A smile is not always an indication of good things but often a shield of something worse.
This is a little bit personal, a lot a bit personal even.
Today, I wanted to give up. I still do. Give up as in close up shop, kick the bucket, call it quits, permanently.
And no this is not a cry for help, more so an exorcism of the decaying thoughts that sometimes penetrate my mind.
I wanted to give up because these obstacles seemed too great for little ol’ 5’2″ me.
I try and try and try to do and be better, but the universe won’t let me be great and I’m tired.
Imagine you’re building a wall and every couple of layers you build, it breaks down and you have to start all over again. This is what 2016 has been like, thoroughly kicking my ass all over the place and today I thought, that’s it, I don’t want any parts of it anymore, I’m done.
Having such ‘thoughts’ has been with me since I was a child. Some people are more susceptible to it that others, I am one of the some people. Everyone has their demon and mine is currently dancing and causing havoc in my head.
You might think why write this Irene? Well, life isn’t always easy and a bed full of roses. I’d hate for someone out there to look at my life and think I have it made and that I don’t go through shit, nope, sorry, regular folk just like you. If my openness allows someone else to relate and not feel so alone, then I think that trumps my need for privacy. As Nina Simone says and I quote, “An Artist’s duty, as far as I’m concerned, is to reflect the times” and as a writer, this, is one of those ‘times’ for me.
In my moment of bluergh-ness, I want to encourage someone else to not to give up. Hypocritical I know, hey, I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t sometimes tell you things that I myself don’t feel like doing.
Confide in the people you trust and ask them to support you. I had to do that today otherwise my last post may have been the last time you’d have heard from me. Not because I’d necessarily be 6 feet under but because I’d had given up on my purpose, like f*ckallthisshit kind of give up, shaveallmyhairandnotbath kind of give up, but thankfully my friends have literally poured into my life-Thank you. Oh, there goes my doorbell, no doubt, one of my friends, coming to check I’m alive. Yup, I was right…
The older you get, the more you understand Britney Spears episode, although to be honest, I got it then. I got it because I’d been dealing with difficult situations most of life.
Anyway back to me telling you to do what I don’t want to do. One of my friends shared something that she had been doing to get by and it honestly made so proud of them and secondly, inspired. They are doing ALL they can to not give up and create a better life for themselves, with the very bitter lemons they were served. If they can, I can, you can.
So what I’m saying to you is, I’m not giving up just yet, and that I will keep on trying and giving it my best, even when the bricks crumble. I hope that this very raw and melancholy sharing, will at least make you feel like you’re not alone and if not, hit me up, we can wallow in self pity together- Just kidding, I can’t encourage that, instead we’ll build this wall together quicker, stronger, longer.