Category Archives: relationships

I’d Love You…If You Changed.

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I’m seeing someone. Things are going well enough but there have been some red flags.

I was thinking about all the things I didn’t like about their behaviour and how they would have to change this, that and the third for me to be with them- I stopped myself mid ramble.

If this person has to change the way they are so we can “be” together, then I have no business being with them whatsoever. He shouldn’t have to change himself for me at all. It’s rather cheeky; who do I think I am to request that someone change on my behalf?!

Could you imagine someone saying to you, “I need you to change your hairstyle, stop hanging around this person, wear this, do this job, speak proper English”, you’d soon tell him or her to piss right off! I know I would, why should it be any different the other way around?

I realised this was the mistake I made in my last relationship by saying, If they would just do this, or do that, and this too then it would be great. In all honesty he could never get the shit right because he was being measured by standards that only I knew all the parameters of.

We sometimes want people to fit a mould that we have created. That mould is defective because it is formed from our point of view and is what we consider to be the best way of being. By doing this we automatically set the people around us up to fail.

Take people as they are or leave them the hell alone. Stop trying to make them fit into YOUR box, its unfair and selfish (let’s get rid of the box altogether). If they choose and are willing to change for themselves, wonderful! You can you assist them in doing that, but not under any other circumstance unless its life or death.

Sure we can influence and encourage them but nag them to change? No.

They don’t have to be like you, they need to be like them. Let them live, be it good or bad, they will deal with the consequences.

We are only capable of changing ourselves no one else has that ability.

With all of that said, my spidey senses are telling me to quit this situation whilst I’m ahead because this won’t work. Ugh another bites the dust.

Xo

29 and Unmarried

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I can’t even begin to tell you what its like to be a woman of African descent born and raised in the United Kingdom.

Trust me when I say there are many realms to navigate through, AND to do it successfully? Its hard, hard af.

In my culture if you’re not married at 29, you’re already past your sell-by date. Yes it IS the be all and end all. It’s something almost all mothers irrespective of backgrounds are worried about.

It’s heralded as an unspoken and if you’re Nigerian very spoken of rite of passage for a lot of women. I remember shortly after graduating, the questions began to come in thick and fast about when I will get married, as if I am supposed to pluck a good suitor from a tree, wrap him up and present him to the family. As the first born in my family and one of the eldest in my extended family, in Tupac’s words “All eyes on me”. I had to ban my family at one point from asking me such questions and I won’t even begin to touch on the children, biological clock, and your eggs will be dust talk…That’s too much to discuss in one day.

If its not my family, its my friends and their families. Sometimes they say it and at other times I just feel it, the general consensus is “Irene, you are the problem, stop being so picky etc”. At some point, not sure when exactly, I started to believe them and it cost me! I mean if ‘everyone’ is thinking it and often times saying it, they must be right, right? I MUST be the problem, right? I didn’t want to be the black sheep and the one who wouldn’t get in line, so I ignored all the alarm bells and stood in the shit for a little too long. I entertained pursuits that I knew from the get-go were not right. Fortunately for me, I came out bruised and not broken.

Do not and by that I mean NEVER go against what you feel in your gut.

In addition to desperately trying to make something work, I spent a few months last year looking at every woman’s finger and then harshly judging her because the conditioning I had had since I was a child began to engulf me and swallow me whole, like Jonah. The thoughts swirling around my head were what’s wrong me? Why does she get to be married? Why wasn’t this a part of my life? Nobody wants me?! (Proceeds to cry in the corner).

The pressure to be married or find your soul mate is everywhere and unavoidable. It’s on TV, its on social media, it’s on YouTube, it’s on the tube, anywhere you can think of it, it’s there, haunting you.

There is an implicit notion that you are broken if you are not in relationship, engaged or married. Having a ring on your finger infers that you are wanted, loved and that someone saw value in you enough to make you a Mrs. This train of thought is detrimental, soul destroying and on every level, just wrong.

You are not broken, nor unloved or unwanted. The ideals established by our families, our cultures and society are often times unrealistic and can lead to an unhealthy state of being.

Anyway, I say all of that to say that I have been delivert*,I have finally made peace with all those demands and expectations that I and others had for my life. I have opted to be nobodies bitch least of all this society’s.

I have become very clear on what a good suitor looks like and my previous experiences were not it and I’ll be damned if I get to the altar and Mr Big chooses not to show up, someone will die, sorry I mean…nah, someone will die!

There is a whole lot more to life than being married or in a relationship. Life doesn’t stop there as my many married friends will tell me, it’s also not an easy feat. While it may not be in your very immediate future, do not sit there moping and become a glutton, get busy. Get busy in discovering more about yourself and living your best life yet while it is still on your own terms, because when you do eventually settle down, you can kiss goodbye to that lol.

Really spend time investing in yourself and your goals. Focus on the things that make you happy outside of anyone and do that, explore, learn a language, travel a lot, buy a home, do a placement abroad, write a book, go back to university to study (actually don’t, tbc), try new things, become a yoga instructor, take a series of cooking classes, make money, join a circus, start painting, get into photography, start a business, take a twerking class (hey, your mate will thank you later),spend time with your non annoying family members and friends, become so busy with living a wonderful life that you do not have time to feel sorry for yourself or look at other peoples lives as being seemingly better than yours. Your life can be amazing on your own, you do not need a mate to have a fulfilling life.

Now, I am not advocating that you completely shun your desire to have a mate, simply that you do not make it your everything. When people are desperate, desperate ideas and decisions become them. When people are happy, well you know how that goes.

I’m off to the gym now at 00:40, okay i’m lying, I was going to though, ha! Tomorrow, I promise.

Goodnight Xo

Ps Delivert- The act of being over delivered from something. Past past tense lol.

Relationships matter, Friendships matter, All liv…Sike!

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I’d be lying if I said I haven’t missed blogging sorely, I definitely have! I didn’t plan on posting today but I was challenged yesterday and a little insulted, when someone questioned my commitment to blogging.

How frigg’n dare they?!

I do however think my absence warrants an explanation. I have for the past 5 weeks been revamping my website, and it’s taken longer than expected, as these things usually do. I have spent it going back and forth with my ‘web guy’, different hosts and it’s been a bit of a palaver. However, things are finally on the move and I hope to back to normal by the end of this week, so expect new things…Yay!

So as a big middle finger I mean proof, that I am not a slacker and you guys do deserve better, here’s my little tidbit for today.

I’m about to get a little shouty, a little passionate, a little brash because I feel so strongly about this: ALL relationships require EFFECTIVE communication in order for it to be healthy and functional.

This idea that it’s just “supposed” to work or they should just “get it” is bullsh*t and here’s why.

I was speaking to a friend a while back and I asked her about a good friend of hers. I noticed that they had barely spoken much in the last couple of months and they used to speak every day. She began to tell me about what’s happened and why she has all of a sudden distanced herself. I asked her, “have you told her how you feel?”, her response “No”.

I looked at her like she had an extra head. So you are not speaking to her, for reasons she is unaware of? My friend stated “I would not have done that, she should just know!”. What?!

Now don’t get me wrong, she is entitled to her feelings and reasons, but my issue is when you have failed to communicate it to the other party.

There are so many things wrong with this thinking. You and the other person are not the same; you do not share the exact same experiences, are not from the exact same background, do not behave exactly the same, do not have the exact same thinking or perspective, how can you expect this person to “get it” all the time, every time? Not even twins can get it right all the time.

We can look at the same object and have completely different opinions of it, based on things already mentioned, and that’s perfectly fine. It’s not one size fits all, nor is there a standard or rule book that everyone follows.

We need to accept that we are made differently and sometimes, we do need to talk in order to learn and grow.

I get it wrong all the time, but guess what? If you don’t tell me, I’ll never know or learn and I most certainly won’t just “get it”.

We as humans don’t have a peak, where we become all powerful, all knowing, even when we are old and grey, there are still things we can learn.

I have encountered it so many times in my relationships and others, how a little communication can make the world of difference in enhancing and fortifying it.

If you tell your friend in this scenario, that you are not happy about a particular outcome and you do so with the aim of finding a resolve and NOT attacking them, and they choose to respond negatively, then so be it, “Que Sera Sera”…BUT, if they respond positively, how much better will you feel? If they value you, you’ll both find a way to compromise, it’s that simple.

I had an experience just yesterday, where a friend and I, who I have known for decades, had a misunderstanding, one that quite possibly could have caused a permanent rift between us. It took us 5 minutes to clear the air. 5 minutes of us expressing ourselves in a manner that was respectful and ultimately came from a good place to resolve the issue. 5 minutes was all it took to clear up animosity that had existed for over a year. 5 minutes.

These disparities don’t always have to mean the end of the world, it can be used as a bridge to get closer, not further way.

Too often good relationships break down because of poor and ineffective communication, and 8/10 times it could have been avoided with simple, clear, and respectful communication.

Don’t deprive yourself of a good thing, be bold enough to simply talk it out.

XO

Ps I used lots of capitals ugh. #sorrynotsorry 😛

Pps Ill be moving over to WordPress.org soon, don’t ask…

Relationships: Family, Friends, Career, Money…?

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Relationships are hard work, irrespective of what form its in, maintaining them sometimes, will have you wanting to free fall from the highest cliff, grrrr!

I was sent a video last night that wound me up. It was a woman talking about how you should treat your man and a few seconds in, I was rolling my eyes, blah blah blah. The thing is, it wasn’t that I didn’t agree with some of what she said, it was the conviction she held that women are SUPPOSED to treat their men that way period. I thought, hold up, what about the men? what will they be doing? does one not have to take into account the calibre of the recipient of such wonderful treatment? It made me think…

People are out here in these streets having expectations of others that they themselves are not fulfilling.

Why do we always want what we have not worked for?

Why do you expect to be taken care of, when you cannot take care of yourself?

How much have you put in for you command this in return?

What do you bring to the table?

In my experience you attract what you are. Years ago I noticed that the men I was attracted to, had one thing in common, my bad traits. It was like fighting with myself on a daily basis, stress! My vibrations were operating at a much lower level and it showed. Thank goodness for growth!

Your relationship to friends, family, career, and money need effort, consistency, nurturing and patience in order for them to flourish and be fruitful. If you are not contributing in that way, the end results will certainly reflect that.

Being on the receiving end of the amazing things in life will often require you to supply something of yourself, a sacrifice of sorts. Everything has a price, whether you think it is worth or not is entirely up to you.

So lets do away with the idea that you get something for nothing, and accept that what you sow, be it good or bad, you’ll reap in due time. I have said this before and ill say it again, you cannot sow and reap at the same time, one must happen before the other.

One must happen before the other.

People change and that’s okay.

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Sometimes the people you know, change, and that’s perfectly okay.

I had a situation at work where I “thought” I was building a good working relationship with someone and then I found out she was intentionally trying to undermine my capabilities to another colleague. I. Was. Livid.

It wouldn’t have mattered if it was someone who wasn’t in close proximity, people talk, people will always talk, but to find out it was someone I was “pally pally” with, stung. I wanted to take back every ounce of my genuine care, consideration, niceness and effort. Of course I can’t do that now, it’s too late, damn it!

I had a neighbour, an older woman, who was lovely to me and my family for 14 years. She would always and I mean always gift my family with home cooked meals, biscuits, sweets, apples from her garden, you name it she provided it. We had supported each other in many different ways over the years. She and my late grandma were even good friends.
And then, all of sudden, she stopped communicating with us, stopped coming by, was curt and the usual friendliness that we were used to was no longer there.
I made a couple of attempts to see how she was doing and enquire if everything is okay and she would respond with plain answers without looking me in the eye. To say I was perplexed is an understatement.

I had someone who I believed to be a good friend, who purposely excluded me from being privy to major life changes, that Sue, Bob, Jim, Mary, basically *randoms all knew about…erm what?-_-

All of which was strange, abrupt and unsettling.

Things like this can leave you confused, upset, questioning your actions and theirs, yet you’d be no closer to understanding what the hell happened.

It’s surprising and it’s hurtful, but it happens and there is no need to blame yourself. How they behave is entirely on them, you cannot assume responsibility for it, you can only be responsible for yourself and how you conduct yourself.

Why don’t you simply ask them what’s wrong, you say? There’s this thing called denial. You can ask till your purple in the face and get nothing. They’re not comfortable in revealing what’s upset them so they say nothing or it may be that they have issues completely unrelated to you, you just happen to be on the receiving end.

How do you conduct yourself in these situations? As you always have, with a little more caution. The best thing is to redirect that focus onto yourself and the other people you have in your life. Remove yourself from the people and situations that no longer serve you. Give these people the space to just be, don’t get mad, retaliate or harbour ill feelings, instead wish them well.

I have encountered many of these types of situations and I opt for the high road. I don’t act out, I don’t behave like I have horns and if I do, I soon come to my senses and remedy it. I continue to be a good person and not allow their actions to change my character. If you do this, the testament is they usually come back, apologetic, different and willing to be better. I can personally vouch for this.

Life is way too short to deal with BS of any kind from anyone.

XO

*Randoms is British slang for a nobody, an irrelevant being, stragglers. You get my drift…

 

Sometimes the devil… is you.

20 Wednesday Jul 2016

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Strong words huh? Well it was intentional.

Whatever your religious background,(unless you’re a Satanist :s) I think most of us would agree that the devil is seen as destructive. 

You’re probably scrunching up your face right now, and I need you to just bear with me for a few more moments.

It is about responsibility and actions. It’s easy to blame someone else for your plights, without acknowledging the part you played in being destructive. 

Some people perpetually live in a place of life is not fair, it will never happen to me, woe is me and so on, not realizing the energy they have contributed in created those unfavourable set of circumstances or outcome.

For example, you are fired from your job. Typically, you might deem yourself to be the righteous one, the one that has been wronged, the one who hasn’t done anything to deserve such treatment and the likelihood is, that’s the story you will sell to anyone who cares to listen.

Let’s look at the actual circumstances, you were consistently late, had a nonchalant attitude to work, didn’t interact well with your colleagues, produced satisfactory work and made more than a few gross and costly mistakes during the course of your employment. From the business point of view, you were in fact, not good for business and consequently they chose to terminate your contract.  

Are they wrong for doing so? Or were your actions the deciding factor?

Okay that might not apply to you, let’s look at something else, accommodation. You never pay your rent on time or in full and have repeatedly kept up that practice for a year now. The landlord now wants you out of their property immediately. You begin to cry wolf and how unfortunate you are, yet you failed to uphold your commitment to pay rent in full every month for the past 12 months. In your case it wasn’t that you did not have the funds,you’d just rather spend it elsewhere on othings that are not easily quantifiable.

Is the landlord now to blame for the action they have decided to take going forward?

Maybe you’re a student and you were given coursework to hand in by a set date. You missed the deadline but the teacher used their discretion to allow you to submit your work. You finally receive your grade and you’re not happy with it and consider raising this with your teacher. What did happen was that you you didn’t proof read your work or check punctuation, nor did you spend enough time doing the research required to generate a high quality of work, you then spent the last couple of days trying to scramble a piece of  work together and submit it.

Was the teacher being unfair to you or was it that you didn’t do the work required in order to pass well?

It’s your birthday and you’d like to celebrate it with some friends. The day comes and only a couple of them turn up. You begin to feel sad, unloved and unappreciated. What you failed to realise is that you had been quite mean to some of them over the past few months. You had also made very little effort to check in on them and support them as they had done you. 

Is it a surprise they felt no desire to show up and celebrate with you?

The demise in some cases is by our own doing and until we take full responsibility for that, we will continue to have the same experiences over and over again

My mother would always say to me as you make your bed, so you lie it.

Take the time out today to do some introspection. Examine whether there were things you could have done better or can do better, then make a commitment to correct and improve those areas of your life. 

XO

Drop the dead weight

27 Monday Jun 2016

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If you’re struggling to fly, drop that dead weight.

We’re aware that the things we surround ourselves with and the environment we live in can greatly affect the way we function.

For some time now I had been feeling stagnant and lumbered with other people’s problems. You might say it’s a choice to take on OPP, however, in some cases you ingest their plight subconsciously, it’s why I categorically avoid the news.

That’s one aspect, the other is being in an environment that does not cultivate the person and lifestyle you want to have/be and lastly holding onto that person, thing or past event. All the above can stifle and hold you back in more ways than you realise, thankfully there is a way out.

The solution? Well that’s for you to figure out…just kidding (although you do have a huge part to play in it). It will require you making some tough decisions/actions and sticking it through until desired results are met.

Maybe that’s something you’re dealing with now, frustration, despair, repetitiveness, and you’re in dire need of change. The best and most important place to start is with yourself. You have control over your life and the way you chose to live it, so it makes sense that you will also be the very same person to bring about imminent change.

I promise that once you begin to face these issues head on and eliminate them one by one, the quality of your life will be enhanced.

What does that mean in theory? It means, going for that role that you think is out of reach, studying your finances to see what your spending habits are like and where you’re going wrong, letting go of that person who doesn’t edify your life and have your best interests at heart, adjusting the attitude you have towards some things and checking yourself, facing the reality that you have made some bad choices and committing yourself to making better ones, learning to be at peace regardless of the circumstance, changing your language and circles, definitively, you know the areas that require your undivided attention. Spend some of your energy on changing, removing yourself from the situation and or letting go of those things.

I must emphasis, as exciting or not exciting this journey may be, there WILL be times that you’ll falter, go off track, feel like giving up, be close to the edge, I implore you not to. Ride out the wave of those feelings, push through anyway, pick up from where you left off, you will soon start to see the results you want in your life, it just may not happen overnight.

Honestly, truthfully, sincerely, take care of yourself, it’s the way to not only be of good service to yourself, but to others also.

XO

Relationships: You need to cut it

15 Wednesday Jun 2016

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Relationships, friendships, situationships, familyships = Work

When you’re single you think, wouldn’t it be great to be in a relationship? And when you’re in a relationship, being single sounds like a wonderful idea- The grass always seems greener on the other side.

The truth is every type of relationship requires consistency, effort, and most certainly compromise. It’s work, the grass is greener where you nurture it.

People have the impression that relationships (all forms) are supposed to be easy, fun, like they appear in the movies. When it doesn’t fit that idealistic picture, then the answer is to cut them out.

The attitude that there’s plenty more fish in the sea in this society is very much rampant and although that statement might be true, the focus should always be on quality not quantity. Quality and edifying relationships are hard to come by and when you have them, they should be valued and respected accordingly, rather than disposed of.

I often see on social media declarations like, ‘I’ll cut that person off’ or ‘I have no qualms cutting people off’ as if it’s an accomplishment *Slow claps*. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t behave like this when I was younger, I was ruthless albeit justified in some cases by very humble opinion. Over time I learnt the value of nourishing relationships, which includes telling people the hard truth (and also hearing it) and making the effort to make it work.

Was and is it easy? Heck no. Many times I want to be stubborn and hold on to my pride for dear life, because temporarily that will make me feel better. In the long run you will suffer.

You cannot jump from friend to friend, relationship to relationship and the like, just because you don’t like something they did it or said. You will find that whomever you are with and wherever you go, the problem remains. Shirking your issues with others won’t make them disappear.

In order to have the kind of loving, nurturing, healthy relationships that you desire, you must take responsibility and approach it with a level of maturity that sometimes, may not be present in others.

If it means something to you, then treat it that way, if it is no longer worth it to you, have the decency to respectfully leave it peace and not in pieces.

XO