Category Archives: Uncategorized

29 and Unmarried

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I can’t even begin to tell you what its like to be a woman of African descent born and raised in the United Kingdom.

Trust me when I say there are many realms to navigate through, AND to do it successfully? Its hard, hard af.

In my culture if you’re not married at 29, you’re already past your sell-by date. Yes it IS the be all and end all. It’s something almost all mothers irrespective of backgrounds are worried about.

It’s heralded as an unspoken and if you’re Nigerian very spoken of rite of passage for a lot of women. I remember shortly after graduating, the questions began to come in thick and fast about when I will get married, as if I am supposed to pluck a good suitor from a tree, wrap him up and present him to the family. As the first born in my family and one of the eldest in my extended family, in Tupac’s words “All eyes on me”. I had to ban my family at one point from asking me such questions and I won’t even begin to touch on the children, biological clock, and your eggs will be dust talk…That’s too much to discuss in one day.

If its not my family, its my friends and their families. Sometimes they say it and at other times I just feel it, the general consensus is “Irene, you are the problem, stop being so picky etc”. At some point, not sure when exactly, I started to believe them and it cost me! I mean if ‘everyone’ is thinking it and often times saying it, they must be right, right? I MUST be the problem, right? I didn’t want to be the black sheep and the one who wouldn’t get in line, so I ignored all the alarm bells and stood in the shit for a little too long. I entertained pursuits that I knew from the get-go were not right. Fortunately for me, I came out bruised and not broken.

Do not and by that I mean NEVER go against what you feel in your gut.

In addition to desperately trying to make something work, I spent a few months last year looking at every woman’s finger and then harshly judging her because the conditioning I had had since I was a child began to engulf me and swallow me whole, like Jonah. The thoughts swirling around my head were what’s wrong me? Why does she get to be married? Why wasn’t this a part of my life? Nobody wants me?! (Proceeds to cry in the corner).

The pressure to be married or find your soul mate is everywhere and unavoidable. It’s on TV, its on social media, it’s on YouTube, it’s on the tube, anywhere you can think of it, it’s there, haunting you.

There is an implicit notion that you are broken if you are not in relationship, engaged or married. Having a ring on your finger infers that you are wanted, loved and that someone saw value in you enough to make you a Mrs. This train of thought is detrimental, soul destroying and on every level, just wrong.

You are not broken, nor unloved or unwanted. The ideals established by our families, our cultures and society are often times unrealistic and can lead to an unhealthy state of being.

Anyway, I say all of that to say that I have been delivert*,I have finally made peace with all those demands and expectations that I and others had for my life. I have opted to be nobodies bitch least of all this society’s.

I have become very clear on what a good suitor looks like and my previous experiences were not it and I’ll be damned if I get to the altar and Mr Big chooses not to show up, someone will die, sorry I mean…nah, someone will die!

There is a whole lot more to life than being married or in a relationship. Life doesn’t stop there as my many married friends will tell me, it’s also not an easy feat. While it may not be in your very immediate future, do not sit there moping and become a glutton, get busy. Get busy in discovering more about yourself and living your best life yet while it is still on your own terms, because when you do eventually settle down, you can kiss goodbye to that lol.

Really spend time investing in yourself and your goals. Focus on the things that make you happy outside of anyone and do that, explore, learn a language, travel a lot, buy a home, do a placement abroad, write a book, go back to university to study (actually don’t, tbc), try new things, become a yoga instructor, take a series of cooking classes, make money, join a circus, start painting, get into photography, start a business, take a twerking class (hey, your mate will thank you later),spend time with your non annoying family members and friends, become so busy with living a wonderful life that you do not have time to feel sorry for yourself or look at other peoples lives as being seemingly better than yours. Your life can be amazing on your own, you do not need a mate to have a fulfilling life.

Now, I am not advocating that you completely shun your desire to have a mate, simply that you do not make it your everything. When people are desperate, desperate ideas and decisions become them. When people are happy, well you know how that goes.

I’m off to the gym now at 00:40, okay i’m lying, I was going to though, ha! Tomorrow, I promise.

Goodnight Xo

Ps Delivert- The act of being over delivered from something. Past past tense lol.

2016: Its not over till the fat lady sings!

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My last post was a doozy! Phew. But we’re here now and moving forward.

We have 3.5 weeks left before we’re in officially in 2017! Does that excite you?

I have been saying that I cannot wait for 2016 to be over for the a little while now and then I thought about it, why can’t I wait? What about it being 2017 will make a difference?

Let’s think about it. In reality all it is, is another day. That’s it.

With the risk of sounding cynical, it’s not like we’re able to wipe out 2016 nor is there a worldwide ritual that takes place in order to enter into the New Year.

New and better things are ultimately down to us. The wonderful thing about that is you can begin again at anytime and anywhere.

Did you hear me? I said at ANYTIME and ANYWHERE. So why wait till 2017?

You hear hoards of people say ‘this year is my year’ and they talk about all the great and magnificent things that will happen. How sway? Transformation only comes through changed and consistent behaviour. You can’t do the same thing and expect there to be some revolution in your life. You have to put the work in.

Many parts of this year may not have been great or enjoyable but I am determined to end the year well and welcome my life into 2017 with grace, strength and a new energy and that starts now! There is absolutely no time like the present. Where is the sense in waiting for the New Year when you can implement change right now this second?!

You want things to be different? Start now. Work on those habits that have created the life you live that you want to be rid of. Remove old ways of thinking, and put on a new way of thinking-Be transformed by the renewing of your mind

And remember your power is in the small things.

XO

Psst…watch my very first (and probably last) video of the year! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVgcWtKzuGM&t=301s

 

 

 

 

Silence the Naysayers aka Haters!

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They say silence is golden and the best revenge is success, how about marrying the two?

I have been tried, tested and doubted in so many ways and my best resolve is through my actions. No need to retaliate or retort back, just show and prove.

Nothing spurs me on more, than someone doubting my abilities and not believing in my vision and me. I will not stop until it has manifested in the flesh. Do you get urged on in the same way?

I don’t react or retaliate because firstly, that’s unnecessary energy that can be spent elsewhere, and secondly I don’t need that kind of karma drama coming back to me, no sir!

What if you don’t believe in yourself? In that case you have change the story (lies) you have been telling yourself. Stop saying you can’t have the body of your dreams, or that you can’t be the person you’ve always wanted to be, or that what you have to offer is not necessary, or that you’re not talented enough, or that your dreams don’t matter- CHANGE THE STORY.

Don’t hate on you.

Please brace yourself I’m about to start shouting:

YOU CAN HAVE THE BODY OF YOUR DREAMS

YOU CAN BE THAT PERSON YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE

WHAT YOU HAVE IS NECESSARY

YOU ARE TALENTED

YOUR DREAMS MATTER

DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU MATTER.

Okay that was exhausting, all that shouting, but I need you to get it. You are enough and you can achieve whatever you want to, if you only you would change the story you have told yourself all these years and replace it with one that you agree with and want for your life.

If you won’t listen to yourself, then listen to me, you can do it or maybe I should say you can’t do it… does that work? Will you do your best now to prove me wrong or right?

There is proof all around you of all the “impossibilities”, so if you’re ever in doubt, look closer.

Right, I’m off to sh*t on someo… I mean I’m off to prove myself right that I can indeed do it!

I’ll tell you next week, what it is that I did 😉

Enjoy the rest of your week!

XO

Ain’t too proud to beg…

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I am about to be a hypocrite with what I say next, but this specific mission is a challenge for me too: It’s okay to ask for help.

Did I just lose a limb saying that? Nope, I survived.

I was raised by a very proud and strong-willed mother, so naturally I would have her traits-Go figure!

I find asking for help to be quite a task, because in some way I have been cultivated to see it as a sign of weakness. If someone offers help, I’ll be much more likely to accept it albeit with hesitation, but to ask for it? Oh boy.

I am here to declare today that asking for help will not kill you, instead you’ll have a better chance at succeeding. What’s the worst that could happen? They say no and then? You move on to the next person.

I was told once ‘No man is an island’ and this idiom is categorically true as we are all connected in one way or another.

When people say they are self-made, I laugh, because that ‘self-made’ individual was assisted by someone who believed in them, someone who saw value in them, without others to invest in us, where would we be?

Do not suffer in silence, ask for help if you need it. Do not let pride stop you from excelling.

Pause: I just asked for help and was rejected. I think the next half of this should be on rejection.

I asked a thriving business owner if I could shadow her while she worked, kind of like a one day internship. I mean what better way to become more informed than to follow someone’s work? Well I guess she thought otherwise and I was rejected for the one-millionth time in life lol. I can’t tell you how many times someone has said no to me in one capacity or other. Should I close up shop and call a day because they said no? HELL NO!

You dust yourself off, adjust your crown, and continue to knock on the doors, windows, and buildings of opportunity until there is a crack! It might not happen today but it will happen!

Nothing fuels me more than someone not believing in my abilities, if they don’t care for your life or business, there is someone out there who will!

Don’t give up, don’t give in, do keep trying, do keep learning, do keep evolving!

It’s a matter of time, its not ‘if ‘ its ‘when’. 

XO

P.s I think I used about 100 exclamations marks, I was passionate huh?

Re-invent yourself. You’re boring!

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Snapchat inspired this post. I am an avid user and think the concept is great!

A few weeks ago snapchat included bitmoji’s, which my friend and I absolutely love and it got me thinking. Snapchat is constantly evolving and that’s the very reason why people enjoy it so much. There’s always something new to play around with. 

There is only so long you can continue to do the same thing without changing yet still expecting to be effective. What once worked now doesn’t and you therefore have to improve yourself and or your business in order to remain powerful, relevant and influential. To do that you must reinvent yourself, like Hov says “allow me to re-introduce myself, my name is…”

Let’s look at this Pokémon Go craze that took over the world a couple of weeks back, people were losing their minds over this game. Everywhere you looked there was someone on it, men and women in a zombie like trance, looking for a Pokémon. Here’s the thing with this kind of fad, it is short lived, the creators must now find a way to make it more interesting and continue to captivate its users as I am sure it will. 

Snapchat has a different kind of fan base, their rise to popularity has been slow and steady. They have our attention now and to keep it, they make it their business to keep it fresh.

Come to think of it, I’m sure in some way Snapchat is going to give me an inferiority complex because some those filters make me look way too good ha! I still love it.

I have thought many times about how and why Beyoncé is still relevant decades later. Achieving this kind of success is not easy, she has to constantly stay ahead, use the element of surprise and raise the bar.

People get bored of seeing the same thing, you have to show what else you have to offer, in what other way can people relate to you? What makes you different from Lucy or Liam? Why should I pay attention you?

It’s time to get creative! Brainstorm on the things that you like to see and what grabs your attention. Consider how you can implement these new ideas into whatever it is you do. There is absolutely nothing that cannot be achieved with persistency, desire and determination.

Think of it this way, recall a time where you really wanted something that wasn’t easily attainable but you pursued it anyway and got it, remember? You can duplicate that success again if only you would apply yourself. 

Just another thing to add, STAY in your lane, don’t jump onto the next thing because it is currently ‘popping’, quick fads are exactly that, quick fads. Stick to what you are good at and focus on improving that, dominate it, and then move onto something else.

Cultivate the habit of being a master of one rather than mediocre at multiple trades. I’m not saying you cannot be good at many things, of course you can, but would you rather be decent at a few things or great at one thing first? I know what I would chose and take it from me, being a jack of all trades doesn’t establish you as having a USP and what you need, what we all need is a USP.

I mean would you take anyone seriously who has not yet achieved success in one thing first, yet claims to be good at a trillion other things all at the same time? Nah. 

Most successful people start off with having that one thing that they’re known for as being an authority in and then over time they diversify.

Dominate then diversify.

Last thoughts: Sometimes I think the way I write in comparison to my real life personality is boring. Yes I said it, boring. In real life I’m a lot more energetic, creative and spontaneous, but when it comes to this blog I almost strip myself bare of all of those qualities but that’s about to change.

Watch this space…

P.s I decided to reinvent myself as a bunny hence the picture…no, not really.

Don’t be a dreamer

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I have been thinking about late night writing or posting should say. Why? Because I’m a vampire of course.
No but more seriously, there is bound to be a community of nutters, I mean like minded people scouring the internet for something to divulge into, right? People like me.

I had a pretend community called ISG, Insomniac Support Group because le struggle to sleep was real. It consisted of myself and one other guy on Twitter ha!

Anyway back to the matter. My first late night post goes a little something like this: Go to sleep. Just kidding.

What keeps me up at night? Erm a whole host of things, bills, bills, bills, have I said bills?  If I’m honest I try not to allow such things deprive me of sleep, usually if I am up till late, my aspirations are haunting me, literally.

I find that sometimes I spend a large amount of time thinking about them rather than actually doing them. The reason is usually because I have never done it before and truth be told my goals scare me lol, so what do I do instead? Procrastinate.

Last week I bought the audio book by the Shonda Rhimes “Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand In the Sun and Be Your Own Person”.

Shonda is both incredibly inspirational and a pioneer of her own kind. She consistently breaks the mould in various aspects of her life and is living it exactly the way she wants it. I applaud her boldness and her ability to say no to some things and yes to others, if you’ve read/listened to the book, you’ll know what I am referring to.

The thing that most resonated with me from her book, was something she said in her commencement speech at Dartmouth University, which she was petrified of doing. She said don’t dream, do.

Now you might say ‘yeah we know that Irene, we all know that’ yes we have heard it a trillion times but how well have those words permeated your skin? What’s the ratio of what you do to what you don’t do in respect of your goals? Be honest with yourself.

It was like I was hearing those words again for the first time. Its funny because my posts are riddled with ‘action talk’ yet I felt a renewed sense of attachment to the words ‘Don’t dream, do’ as if I had unlocked a new level on a game, the game of life. Maybe its because I knew I wasn’t doing nearly enough.

Yes its great having dreams, but dreams will remain a fantasy if you don’t do anything about it.

No sense in conjuring beautiful images of what you’d love your life to look like if you don’t in fact take any action towards doing something about it.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t know how to do it, just keep doing what you know and be keen to learn.

The idea is to not keep still waiting for the perfect time or opportunity. Now is the perfect time and you are the opportunity.

Keep moving, keep repeating, keep practicing, keep learning, and most importantly keep doing.

By being proactive, the universe will aid and abet in order to get where you want to be but you have to do, consistently and persistently.

Okay that’s my lot. See you night creatures! XO

People change and that’s okay.

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Sometimes the people you know, change, and that’s perfectly okay.

I had a situation at work where I “thought” I was building a good working relationship with someone and then I found out she was intentionally trying to undermine my capabilities to another colleague. I. Was. Livid.

It wouldn’t have mattered if it was someone who wasn’t in close proximity, people talk, people will always talk, but to find out it was someone I was “pally pally” with, stung. I wanted to take back every ounce of my genuine care, consideration, niceness and effort. Of course I can’t do that now, it’s too late, damn it!

I had a neighbour, an older woman, who was lovely to me and my family for 14 years. She would always and I mean always gift my family with home cooked meals, biscuits, sweets, apples from her garden, you name it she provided it. We had supported each other in many different ways over the years. She and my late grandma were even good friends.
And then, all of sudden, she stopped communicating with us, stopped coming by, was curt and the usual friendliness that we were used to was no longer there.
I made a couple of attempts to see how she was doing and enquire if everything is okay and she would respond with plain answers without looking me in the eye. To say I was perplexed is an understatement.

I had someone who I believed to be a good friend, who purposely excluded me from being privy to major life changes, that Sue, Bob, Jim, Mary, basically *randoms all knew about…erm what?-_-

All of which was strange, abrupt and unsettling.

Things like this can leave you confused, upset, questioning your actions and theirs, yet you’d be no closer to understanding what the hell happened.

It’s surprising and it’s hurtful, but it happens and there is no need to blame yourself. How they behave is entirely on them, you cannot assume responsibility for it, you can only be responsible for yourself and how you conduct yourself.

Why don’t you simply ask them what’s wrong, you say? There’s this thing called denial. You can ask till your purple in the face and get nothing. They’re not comfortable in revealing what’s upset them so they say nothing or it may be that they have issues completely unrelated to you, you just happen to be on the receiving end.

How do you conduct yourself in these situations? As you always have, with a little more caution. The best thing is to redirect that focus onto yourself and the other people you have in your life. Remove yourself from the people and situations that no longer serve you. Give these people the space to just be, don’t get mad, retaliate or harbour ill feelings, instead wish them well.

I have encountered many of these types of situations and I opt for the high road. I don’t act out, I don’t behave like I have horns and if I do, I soon come to my senses and remedy it. I continue to be a good person and not allow their actions to change my character. If you do this, the testament is they usually come back, apologetic, different and willing to be better. I can personally vouch for this.

Life is way too short to deal with BS of any kind from anyone.

XO

*Randoms is British slang for a nobody, an irrelevant being, stragglers. You get my drift…

 

The desire to give up

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“Don’t give up”

Don’t you just hate cliché words like that? For the sake of it, I’ll list some below that I sometimes find annoying.

The irony is, if you went through my posts, you’d undoubtedly find them littered all ‘up and through’.

Your path is different

It’ll happen for you

Don’t’ give up

It’ll be okay

Your time will come

If it’s meant to be it’ll be

What’s for you is for you.

You have so much potential

You can be anything you want to be

The above is reminiscently poetic. Those words said to you at the wrong time, may cause you to roll your eyes and huff and puff , and rather than serve as words of comfort, they fast become a painful reminder that you are not where you want to be.

*Deep sigh*…however, let me be that thorn in your side once again, as I write this letter to you:

Loyal Reader

Wonderful Place Close

The Universe

M3 HRT

6th July 2016

Dear Friend,

I believe in you and your ability to soar. You are a magnificent creator and able to manifest anything that you so desire. Whatever you want is within reach, but you must keep going and running the race.

You are uniquely different and therefore no one can do what you do or be how you are. You are absolutely necessary and you have something quite special to offer those around you.

I love how when you fall over, you get back up, dust yourself off and keep it moving. You see, you can do stuff like that because you’re resilient and your bounce back game is strong.

I wish you could see yourself sometimes and realise just how wonderful you are. Your presence alone says you are pre-approved for whatever it is you want or choose to be.

Let no one tell you otherwise, you are deserving, you are worthy, and you most certainly can do it.

With love,

Irene Ephraim aka Lipstick

Let’s keep this going, write a letter to someone. It could be someone you know or don’t know. Write it positively, genuinely and loving.

You never know how it may impact their lives.

XO

Relationships: You need to cut it

15 Wednesday Jun 2016

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Relationships, friendships, situationships, familyships = Work

When you’re single you think, wouldn’t it be great to be in a relationship? And when you’re in a relationship, being single sounds like a wonderful idea- The grass always seems greener on the other side.

The truth is every type of relationship requires consistency, effort, and most certainly compromise. It’s work, the grass is greener where you nurture it.

People have the impression that relationships (all forms) are supposed to be easy, fun, like they appear in the movies. When it doesn’t fit that idealistic picture, then the answer is to cut them out.

The attitude that there’s plenty more fish in the sea in this society is very much rampant and although that statement might be true, the focus should always be on quality not quantity. Quality and edifying relationships are hard to come by and when you have them, they should be valued and respected accordingly, rather than disposed of.

I often see on social media declarations like, ‘I’ll cut that person off’ or ‘I have no qualms cutting people off’ as if it’s an accomplishment *Slow claps*. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t behave like this when I was younger, I was ruthless albeit justified in some cases by very humble opinion. Over time I learnt the value of nourishing relationships, which includes telling people the hard truth (and also hearing it) and making the effort to make it work.

Was and is it easy? Heck no. Many times I want to be stubborn and hold on to my pride for dear life, because temporarily that will make me feel better. In the long run you will suffer.

You cannot jump from friend to friend, relationship to relationship and the like, just because you don’t like something they did it or said. You will find that whomever you are with and wherever you go, the problem remains. Shirking your issues with others won’t make them disappear.

In order to have the kind of loving, nurturing, healthy relationships that you desire, you must take responsibility and approach it with a level of maturity that sometimes, may not be present in others.

If it means something to you, then treat it that way, if it is no longer worth it to you, have the decency to respectfully leave it peace and not in pieces.

XO

Facing my fears one by one: Dans Le Noir

08 Wednesday Jun 2016

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I’m always open to trying new things, you cannot know if you like something until you do it.

Last Sunday I did something that if I had known the full extent of what it entailed, I wouldn’t have done it. Nope not I.

I had heard about this restaurant called Dans Le Noir, which in english is ‘In the Dark’. I had wanted to go for a while now, but the chance hadn’t presented itself. The premise of the restaurant is that you dine in the dark.

One fateful day last week, my friend invited me and of course I leapt at the opportunity, finally, I get to go!

The day of reckoning had arrived and after telling my other very dry friends (lol) also known as enemies of progress, what I was about to do, they proceeded to tell me ALLLLLL the things that could go wrong, including finding a maggot in my food?!

Naturally, I start to get nervous, especially as I’m an exceptionally picky eater. I defiantly tell them that I am still going and that there’s nothing they can do to dissuade me. At this point the really dark part hadn’t quite dawned on me.

I meet up with my friend who I was attending dinner with, and he begins to give me a better idea of what it would be like as he had been before some years back.

I am told the waiters are blind and about the blackness I am about to go into.

I heard him but I didn’t REALLY hear him because when I say, nothing prepares you for the dining experience, I mean absolutely nothing!

You think your eyes will adjust and you’ll see something, nope not happening.

It’s time to go in, I place my hand on the shoulder of the waiter Fabio as he leads us into the dining area.

OH.MY.GOODNESS

It

Was

Dark

Once seated, I begin to hyperventilate because the place feels small, not that I would know because I couldn’t see anything (i’m claustrophobic) and on top of that I forgot something quite crucial. I have a fear of going blind.

I truly felt what it might be like to be blind and for me it was an eye opener,literally. I was so appreciative of Fabio, who was incredibly helpful and polite.

In a way it’s good that I wasn’t prepared because I never would have done it. I wanted to sprint towards the door, but that would have been a futile attempt for obvious reasons.

Thankfully my friend was there and managed to get me to relax, which was no easy task. I’m grateful I was with him otherwise I would not have stayed and faced my fear in this way.

What I loved about it was the sense of freedom it gave, in that you could speak freely and without judgement. You also bonded with the other diners because you were all sharing a very rare experience together. There were no distractions, just you, your company and the darkness as companions and this meant you were really able to engage with them and others around you.

Will I do it again? Not any time soon, give me a minute. In the future, possibly.

Should you do it? Absolutely! Try it once.

What’s next on the list? Well sky diving durrh 😉

XO