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The Danger of Expectations

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Posted by in Lessons Learnt, Life, More Action

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Do you always get what you want?

Some time back I wrote in my notes that my expectations are making me depressed.

They’re such a weird thing, like you’re “meant” to have them, but then having them makes you prone to disappointment. On the other hand not having them can mean that you accept much less or that in some cases you receive much more, so what exactly are we supposed to do? How do we get the balance right?

At one point in my life I was the person with little to no expectations of things and people and without realising it received everything. I have also been the person with high expectations and intentions and consistently seen it fall through in epic proportions and consequently been gravely disappointed. For this reason I have spent some time really ruminating over ‘expectations’ and I think I have it figured out.

When I think about it, a lot of the times I’ve had a clear vision of what I want, it typically doesn’t materialise in that way. I still get it, it just looks a bit different.

Lots of motivational speakers talk much about belief, faith, setting intentions and so on, but what they don’t tell you is how to do these things; and believe it or not I do think there is a method to it. Not one that suits everything of course, but one that produces a healthier balance for your life (subjectively speaking).

Follow me for a moment. Ever watched a film adaptation of one of your favourite books and after watching it you thought ‘this was shit’. Well of course it was! It is NEVER going to match up to the imagery that your intricate and unique mind conceived.

Now using that same analogy, apply it to other situations, a job, a friendship, a lover, money, children. Can you see how you could live in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction and disappointment? How will you or anyone make it when your thoughts have determined what EVERY action and outcome should be? You have left no room for deviation, no room for creativity, no room for life to do its thing and with this way of thinking not even God will make the cut.

So many people are walking around depressed because things didn’t work out how they thought it would and then spend a considerable amount of time focusing on the results that didn’t happen. In doing this you miss out on what did happen, the blessings in that and also what you could do to make it better.

When we create and cement the outcome down to a T and refuse to be open, we deprive ourselves of being able to witness and appreciate the beauty in what IS happening. We stunt its growth and ultimately our growth. The happiest people as we know are those that make the best of what is there not of what isn’t.

The most successful people are successful because they keep moving. They didn’t get stuck on what didn’t happen, they focused on what did and made it better.

So do be expectant, continue to visualise, but refrain from becoming overly attached to it and restricting what it should be. Okay, you might say that’s settling. It’s not. We have to remember that we are not the only ones involved in the makings of something. There are so many other factors involved, ones that we can see and ones that we can’t and we need to consider that too.

Allow life to happen because whether we like it or not, it will happen with or without you so you might as well roll with it.

Xo

P.s My sister took my pictures and I was obviously pretending to be cool or whatever.

SShhh Don’t Talk About It

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I just got back from a solo trip to Malta. If you have ever tried to organise a trip away with others you’ll know how incredibly frustrating it can be. After months of trying to get it together with others, I scrapped those efforts and said right I’m going alone! I didn’t tell anyone until it was all booked. It was exactly what I needed. It enhanced my confidence in myself, that I can do it alone and although it’d be nice to have a companion, I am certainly enough.

Want to do something? Do it. Don’t allow the perfect time, thing or person prevent you from making that move. I have learnt then when you go ahead, the people that are for you will come to you in due time. Whilst in Malta, a friend in London told me he used to live there and that he can put me in contact with a friend of his to take me out and that’s exactly what happened. Within a few hours I was out exploring their night life.

Another thing to do or not do in this case, is talk about it. We all know what it feels like to talk about something and it not materialise, it’s embarrassing. I’m now operating on a strictly need to know basis, not purely because of the embarrassment, but what it does is allow me to work in private without the influence of others that ‘don’t get it’. A lot of the time all talking about it does is waste energy that you really could be using to actually do it. If you have to talk about it, speak about it to people who have done it or are doing it. You have to constantly keep yourself in alignment with the thing that you’re doing. You cannot afford to speak to those who are on a completely different path, because believe it or not they have the power to derail you. Would an architect speak to yoga instructor about their project? No, unless it’s about how to practice mediation with exercise then Bobs your uncle. Now, that’s not to say they can’t provide great insights, it’s just a ground you have to tread VERY lightly-assess them by their fruits.

So, nurture your goals in private and diligently, protect your mind, get in alignment and surround yourself with people doing the work and watch your life change.

Xo

Hey, Listen Up!

07 Tuesday Feb 2017

Posted by in Dreams, Experiences, Life, More Action, Thoughts in motion

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Hi Guys,

My real name is Irene and erm I have a tendency to saunter off when life gets manic but I’m working on it and I hope you can stick with me.

Pretty please…?

Thank you!

Xoxo

Okay, we’ve established that I’m guilty of going away and my excuse is I have been traveling, I visited Paris ooh la la. I don’t mean to sound like I am full of excuses because I am not. Well, not really, they are more like reasons, yes reasons, reasons sound better.

Anyway, I hope you have been doing fabulously! Let’s talk.

I was saying to someone yesterday, that it is so much easier to believe in someone else’s hype than your own. Why is that? :s
Take me for example, I personally believe everyone can fly if they want to, but to fill out an application form for myself sometimes is like Mount Kilimanjaro -_- .Not because I cannot do it, but if truth be told because I am not sure I’ll get it and dealing with rejection is a mother******.  The kicker is how am I supposed to get it, if I do not do the work that is required? However, ask me to jump off a ledge and I’d sooner do that than apply for a role. It is a strange conundrum I know but we’re going to mend it!

I can talk your ear off about affirmations, positivity, and all that stuff but, something has to change and the catalyst for that is action.

Let’s be about it, I am all about making leaps and bounds this year and shaking off those gremlins that have been gnawing at my/our brain ( gross I know) and preventing us from living the life we have always wanted to.  I am therefore challenging you to a duel with me, not really a duel, but to intentionally do the things that scare you shitless. I mean that thing that merely thinking about it, gives you the shits. Don’t front, we have all experienced that intense nervousness. That nervousness which you experience may be an indication of something that you really, really, really need to do.

How else are you going to make your dreams a reality, if you don’t switch up your regular, mundane, dry chapped lipped routine?  You must inject some life, some oomph, some je ne sais quoi into it!

Stop playing small and cowering away, step outside your comfort zone.

Oh and because I am not fear’s b*tch (lol I am on one today), I am sending part of my manuscript to two publishers this week, whoa!

You gon’ learn ta day!

XO

P.s Irene has been abducted and the above post was written by a clone named Irina. We do apologise if this post caused offence, sike!

Sleepless nights

18 Wednesday Jan 2017

Posted by in Late night, Less Talk, Life, More Action

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Burning the midnight oil.

Where are my weirdos at? My tribe, the ones who suffer from self-inflicted insomnia, caused by an overactive mind to do more, be more, live more, everything more!

The struggle is all too familiar to me. You know you should be sleeping as you have a 9-5 to get to, but for whatever reason you can’t and when you do actually fall asleep, its time to get up, ugh.

I was pondering today on thinking, and how it can often times be an achilles heel, Anxiety is worrying about the future and depression is worrying about the past, and although you can think your way into a new way of life, it is impossible to do so without taking action.

I attend weekly counselling sessions, yup you heard right, weekly counselling. Before I continue, I have to say this, counselling is for EVERYONE! No matter who, what, where you are, you can benefit from having a place where you can offload without judgement.

Anyway, so like I said earlier I have counselling because I’m ill, I kid, for various reasons, and at one point during these “meetings” (thats what I like to call them), I discovered that I spent a lot of time thinking about all the things I had to do constantly, and consequently feeling overwhelmed to point of not actually doing anything whatsoever! Nada, Zilch, Nothing.

Is that not sheer madness? You over stress, over imagine and over think something to death that you have no more energy.

Here’s my tried and tested advice: Think a little, Do a lot.

Good things come to those who do. Work with what you have and DO the best you can.

If you have debts, speak to a financial adviser, there are plenty of charities that offer free advise with debt management. You don’t have to feel alone. If its an ill family member or friend, spend your efforts making it the best time you’ve ever had together. My late Grandmother lived in a different country and whenever she called or was speaking to my mum on the phone, no matter what I was doing, I made sure I spoke to her and honestly it helped when she passed, because I knew I did not take her for granted- Every moment counted. If it is a career issue, seek out someone who you deem to be successful and ask them what they did and learn from them. The internet is also your friend, there is so much useful information, use it to your advantage.

Whatever keeps you up at night, there is a solution to it. Spend less time thinking about it, and more time doing something about it.

All hope is not lost. You are. For now. But not for long.

Keep going, keep trying and…Goodnight.

Xo

 

 

 

Don’t be a dreamer

08 Monday Aug 2016

Posted by in Late night, Less Talk, Life, More Action, Thoughts in motion, Uncategorized

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I have been thinking about late night writing or posting should say. Why? Because I’m a vampire of course.
No but more seriously, there is bound to be a community of nutters, I mean like minded people scouring the internet for something to divulge into, right? People like me.

I had a pretend community called ISG, Insomniac Support Group because le struggle to sleep was real. It consisted of myself and one other guy on Twitter ha!

Anyway back to the matter. My first late night post goes a little something like this: Go to sleep. Just kidding.

What keeps me up at night? Erm a whole host of things, bills, bills, bills, have I said bills?  If I’m honest I try not to allow such things deprive me of sleep, usually if I am up till late, my aspirations are haunting me, literally.

I find that sometimes I spend a large amount of time thinking about them rather than actually doing them. The reason is usually because I have never done it before and truth be told my goals scare me lol, so what do I do instead? Procrastinate.

Last week I bought the audio book by the Shonda Rhimes “Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand In the Sun and Be Your Own Person”.

Shonda is both incredibly inspirational and a pioneer of her own kind. She consistently breaks the mould in various aspects of her life and is living it exactly the way she wants it. I applaud her boldness and her ability to say no to some things and yes to others, if you’ve read/listened to the book, you’ll know what I am referring to.

The thing that most resonated with me from her book, was something she said in her commencement speech at Dartmouth University, which she was petrified of doing. She said don’t dream, do.

Now you might say ‘yeah we know that Irene, we all know that’ yes we have heard it a trillion times but how well have those words permeated your skin? What’s the ratio of what you do to what you don’t do in respect of your goals? Be honest with yourself.

It was like I was hearing those words again for the first time. Its funny because my posts are riddled with ‘action talk’ yet I felt a renewed sense of attachment to the words ‘Don’t dream, do’ as if I had unlocked a new level on a game, the game of life. Maybe its because I knew I wasn’t doing nearly enough.

Yes its great having dreams, but dreams will remain a fantasy if you don’t do anything about it.

No sense in conjuring beautiful images of what you’d love your life to look like if you don’t in fact take any action towards doing something about it.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t know how to do it, just keep doing what you know and be keen to learn.

The idea is to not keep still waiting for the perfect time or opportunity. Now is the perfect time and you are the opportunity.

Keep moving, keep repeating, keep practicing, keep learning, and most importantly keep doing.

By being proactive, the universe will aid and abet in order to get where you want to be but you have to do, consistently and persistently.

Okay that’s my lot. See you night creatures! XO

Sometimes the devil… is you.

20 Wednesday Jul 2016

Posted by in Experiences, Life, More Action, relationships

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Strong words huh? Well it was intentional.

Whatever your religious background,(unless you’re a Satanist :s) I think most of us would agree that the devil is seen as destructive. 

You’re probably scrunching up your face right now, and I need you to just bear with me for a few more moments.

It is about responsibility and actions. It’s easy to blame someone else for your plights, without acknowledging the part you played in being destructive. 

Some people perpetually live in a place of life is not fair, it will never happen to me, woe is me and so on, not realizing the energy they have contributed in created those unfavourable set of circumstances or outcome.

For example, you are fired from your job. Typically, you might deem yourself to be the righteous one, the one that has been wronged, the one who hasn’t done anything to deserve such treatment and the likelihood is, that’s the story you will sell to anyone who cares to listen.

Let’s look at the actual circumstances, you were consistently late, had a nonchalant attitude to work, didn’t interact well with your colleagues, produced satisfactory work and made more than a few gross and costly mistakes during the course of your employment. From the business point of view, you were in fact, not good for business and consequently they chose to terminate your contract.  

Are they wrong for doing so? Or were your actions the deciding factor?

Okay that might not apply to you, let’s look at something else, accommodation. You never pay your rent on time or in full and have repeatedly kept up that practice for a year now. The landlord now wants you out of their property immediately. You begin to cry wolf and how unfortunate you are, yet you failed to uphold your commitment to pay rent in full every month for the past 12 months. In your case it wasn’t that you did not have the funds,you’d just rather spend it elsewhere on othings that are not easily quantifiable.

Is the landlord now to blame for the action they have decided to take going forward?

Maybe you’re a student and you were given coursework to hand in by a set date. You missed the deadline but the teacher used their discretion to allow you to submit your work. You finally receive your grade and you’re not happy with it and consider raising this with your teacher. What did happen was that you you didn’t proof read your work or check punctuation, nor did you spend enough time doing the research required to generate a high quality of work, you then spent the last couple of days trying to scramble a piece of  work together and submit it.

Was the teacher being unfair to you or was it that you didn’t do the work required in order to pass well?

It’s your birthday and you’d like to celebrate it with some friends. The day comes and only a couple of them turn up. You begin to feel sad, unloved and unappreciated. What you failed to realise is that you had been quite mean to some of them over the past few months. You had also made very little effort to check in on them and support them as they had done you. 

Is it a surprise they felt no desire to show up and celebrate with you?

The demise in some cases is by our own doing and until we take full responsibility for that, we will continue to have the same experiences over and over again

My mother would always say to me as you make your bed, so you lie it.

Take the time out today to do some introspection. Examine whether there were things you could have done better or can do better, then make a commitment to correct and improve those areas of your life. 

XO

Change the conversation…now

18 Monday Jul 2016

Posted by in Less Talk, Life, More Action, Thoughts in motion

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We are what we eat.

What we think about, we bring about.

What goes in, must come out.

The theme here is, whatever is going on inside will reflect on your outside world.

What are the things that you believe and think about yourself deep down inside? Those are the exact things that are ruling your existence.

You think positively and are mindful about what you say, yet things are not improving. Well, maybe it’s time you really take a closer look about what you truly think about yourself and your life.

Your life is reflection of the level of self-love you have. This could not be more true.

For example, putting in the work for your dreams to materialize. How much time do you spend doing it? Do you really believe it can happen for you? You want to travel the world, are you making plans for this to happen? You hate the job you’re in, have you looked at applications for your ideal position? Your relationship has broken down and there is no going back, isn’t it time for you to have that difficult conversation?

We often times self-sabotage because we truly don’t feel like it will happen for us, that we are deserving and have the power to change things. We might think it could happen, but we do not believe it will and therefore we act accordingly- We cannot have two masters, that is, where what you think and what you believe are different, one must take precedent.

Why would you leave your terrible partner, if you don’t believe you will have someone who treats you how you want to be treated? Might as well keep the one you have, it’s better than nothing right?

Why would you leave your hated job, if you believe that the next potential employer will think you are under qualified, might as well stay where you are, after all it pays the bills right?

Why would you travel the world, if you believe you will not have the money and end up homeless, I mean none of your friends have such aspirations and have settled for the okey doke, might as well join them, right?

Why would you eat healthier, if you believe you’ll never reach your goal weight, everyone in your family is overweight, unhealthy, and has a multitude of health issues, you are bound to suffer the same, it’s in your DNA, no point in even trying is there?

In fact, why would you do anything at all that you don’t believe in? The answer is you won’t.

Whatever you believe, will be real to you. How do we change the conversation? We change it with action. Follow each new and positive thought with an immediate action that is in alignment with that new thinking or belief. So if you want to eat healthier, write down a list of healthy foods you are going to buy the next time you go shopping. If you are aiming for a new role, download the application form and start filling it in. If you want to attract certain people, go to those places where they are. If you need to release someone from your life, send that text or email to say “we need to talk”, whatever it is, believe in yourself and that you are capable of working it out for your own good.

It takes a lot of courage to change your life, it is no easy feat, but with perseverance, action and commitment, it will get better.

Repetition is the mother of skill. Thought/Belief + action = results. It doesn’t have to be great huge steps, baby ones will make just as much difference in the long run.

Quieten the naysayers in your head, with a new belief backed up with action, repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…get it?

 

 

Complaining gets you results!

06 Monday Jun 2016

Posted by in Dreams, Life, Thoughts in motion

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I have a confession to make. For the past three weeks I have been a champion complainer. Almost every single morning, I have bitched and moaned about this ‘thing’. What is the ‘thing’? Working, but more specifically the commute to work.

After not having a job for 5 months by choice, going back to work (also by choice, well more so necessity) has tested my entire existence. There were days where I woke up and thought, this is the day, this is the day, I am going to run into oncoming traffic and end it all.

Okay okay, that was a bit dramatic, but it would be dishonest to pretend that everything is all rosy when you bliming well know it’s not.

My first thought was I am being punished, this HAS to be the reason why all these ill-fated scenarios keep occurring. Alright, maybe punish is the wrong word, teaching me lesson.

The lesson being, do what you’re supposed to do, when you’re supposed to do it, otherwise you’d end up doing what you don’t want to do-like me ggrrrr.

In a weird turn of events, it’s placed the fire back up my butt to get out there and do more to get to where I want to be, a catalyst even.

I write this to stress that as much as your life may not reflect what you want, it is up to YOU to transform things around. I can whinge until I am purple in the face, if I don’t adjust what I do, then that is where I will remain. I guess that is what pains me the most, because I know wherever I am in life, was and is to a large degree, my doing.

It boils down to this, if you don’t like something, change it, if you want something, go for it, if you believe in something, act like it.

I’ll never forget when I had written a long message to my virtual mentor about doing something I had been afraid to do and all she wrote back was just do it. I remember being incredibly irritated by the response yet it was fact. You just have to do it, change it, remove it, test it, try it, it’s all in the action baby! (Said in a strong NY accent, a British one would just sound weird).

XO

What’s the worst that can happen?

30 Thursday Jul 2015

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What’s the worst that can happen?

I learnt something recently that I thought was quite insightful, ’Anxiety is worrying about the future and depression is worrying about the past’. The truth is the ONLY thing that matters is this present moment and what you chose to do with it.

Confess, how many of you have spent an inordinate amount of time worrying about what ‘could’ happen? I know I’m a repeat offender and all that serves to do is to rob me of my present time and my senses.

Out of all the things that you foresaw happening, how much of it actually manifested? In retrospect, what was the purpose of giving those imagined stresses your valuable energy? As the saying goes, whatever you focus on expands. The same applies to the past, (and I don’t mean to trivialise it ) you are no longer experiencing whatever it was that happened to you in the physical, why chose to mentally re-enact the circumstances and consequently reengage the emotions over and over again? its torture.

Okay let’s say it materialised as you anticipated, now what? You deal with it. Sounds harsh but follow me for a minute, think back to when there were others issues that arose in your life, I’m pretty sure at the time you thought ‘I’m not going to be able to deal with this’ yet you did.

The quality of life can be enhanced by CHOOSING to perceive it differently-When you think differently, you behave differently and therefore alter the end results.

I was having a morning of it, self- inducing stress over things that had not yet happened. The moment I begun to tell myself my worries have not occurred, it calmed me down significantly and I regained focus on what I am able to do now and also on what I do have. Granted, it is not always as easy as this, but it’s a good place start.

We are not taught to let go enough, instead it is reinforced to live in the past and never forget what someone did to you, what you encountered, or what might have been. With that comes a whole set of residual interests by way of our memories and feelings, it’s no wonder that many of us are embittered and miserable. We are in a constant state of past dwelling (or in some cases future dwelling).

Take time today to consider where you deposit your physical, mental and emotional energy, assess whether it is effectively being used in the right place. If you conclude otherwise, consciously choose to transfer it elsewhere and it starts by becoming aware.

Following on from that, centre your energy on the things you have the ability to affect for the better. The idea is to build on that instead of dissipate your energy being anxious.

The way you think either fortifies you or is killing you-remember that.