Tag Archives: Better

I Could, I Should, I Might?

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Posted by in Experiences, Lessons Learnt, Life, More Action

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cc5a9b14-ac0b-48cd-87a3-7f751557ba9eI have been doing it so wrong for the past year and I knew better.

Isn’t that the worst? When you know better yet you’re not doing better and for whatever reason you can’t figure it out.

I have had a bunch of things that I wanted to achieve and acquire over the past couple of years which technically isn’t a problem. The distinction here is that I had no clarity on any of it. I would umm and ahh over everything, and I do mean everything.

I couldn’t decide if I was coming or going. Do I want to live in London or Manchester? Do I want to travel to a different country and work there or stay here? Do I want to buy a house or rent one? Do I want live in an apartment or a semi detached house? Do I want this type of job or to not work in this field at all? Do I want to be in a relationship or not? And this conversation continued in almost every area of my life. It stayed that way up until recently when I had a durh or as Oprah would say an ‘aha’ moment.

No wonder I had been stressed out and felt utterly unaccomplished, I had no idea what I truly wanted. I flip flopped out of fear of making a decision that would cost me. I didn’t want to unduly suffer again for a terrible choice I made, but guess what that meant? I didn’t do anything.

I had no clear sense of direction and therefore could not confidently take action towards anything, and that ultimately resulted in little to no result.

The lesson here is if you’re in a period of confusion and not knowing what way to go, just pick one. We spend a lot of time trying to avoid past mistakes but sometimes that leads to inaction and frustration, not to mention wasted energy.

The point of living is to live and that cannot happen if you’re second guessing everything. The only thing happening by doing that is building fear muscles and we certainly don’t want that.

Get clear on what you want and stick to it. It’s almost impossible to move forward without having an idea of what it is you want, how do you expect the universe to help you out when you keep giving her mixed signals?

Take a chance today and make a choice. Even if it doesn’t work out how you imagined, you still would have learned something you didn’t know before and that believe it or not is progression.

Xo

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3 P’s: Perfectionism, Procrastination, Paralysis

18 Thursday Jan 2018

Posted by in Lessons Learnt, Life, Thoughts in motion

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I planned to write on something completely different, but after a brief conversation with an old friend in which she sent me an article, I thought maybe this article would be useful to others like me.

The 3 P’s: Perfectionism, Procrastination, Paralysis.

If you’re affected by one P, you’ll be affected by two and likely the third P too. Works like a pendulum going back and forth. If you do suffer from any of the above, then you understand how truly crippling this can be for your any area of your life.

Reading the article that I am about to share was like having a mirror to look into and you can only improve upon what you know. I hope it’s insightful.

“Do you set your standards high, but always feel like you’ve failed? Learn about the 3 “P’s” and end the vicious cycle that keeps you stuck and ineffective.

THE VICIOUS CYCLE

Perfectionism, procrastination, and paralysis – one often leads to the next, in a vicious cycle, especially on large, long-term projects with no clear deadlines. Let’s look at each part of this cycle, and explore some concrete steps that you can take to disrupt the cycle.

PERFECTIONISM

Although most of my coaching clients don’t contact me until they are suffering from the second or third “P,” I will start with the first, one: perfectionism. This trait can be defined as striving towards impossibly high goals. The perfectionist is caught in a trap – he or she can never be good enough. Usually a perfectionist engages in a rigid, black or white kind of thinking about his own performance – if it isn’t perfect, it’s horrible.

I see perfectionism as existing on one end of a continuum. Up to a certain point, aiming high can help you become successful. Most academics who have made it to graduate school have set high standards for themselves and have met those high standards. There is nothing wrong with pushing yourself to attain excellence. It only becomes a problem when the goal is always set beyond your reach.

The Mediocre Perfectionist?

Ironically, the perfectionist often achieves a product that is far less than perfect. In contrast, those who aim at more realistic goals can outperform the perfectionist. How could that be? The procrastination and paralysis that result from overly high standards causes the perfectionist to wait until it’s too late, then rush to do something; anything. The more relaxed realist, in the meantime, is able to put an effort in earlier, over a more prolonged period of time, with more chance to let time and subsequent editing improve the final product…”

You can read the rest here

Xo

 

“New Year, New Me” Stop Lying!

04 Thursday Jan 2018

Posted by in Life, More Action, Motivation

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First of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR! However you spent it, I hope it was good for you.

At the start of the year, we’re so strongly convicted of all the things we’re going to do and how this time it’ll be different (queue in the ‘This is my year’ warriors). How Sway? You won’t push yourself, but somehow it’ll be different, you won’t change your habits, but somehow it’ll be different, you won’t commit to anything, but somehow it’ll be different, you won’t alter your thinking, but somehow it’ll be different. Do you and I a favour and stop being deceitful.

The reality is, changing and improving the quality of your life is A LOT of hard consistent work and the results of it may not materialise until months and years later, so the question is, how bad do you want it and can you go the distance?

The unrealistic expectations that we sometimes hold of ourselves cause us to repeatedly fall short of our goals (myself included). We have it in our minds that it’ll be easy to accomplish and when faced the actuality of it, opt out and resign to a life of mediocrity.

With anything worth having, you will have to put the work in, not only in attaining it but to maintain it also. Whether it’s money, career, relationships, family, if it is to be successful, you will have to constantly work for/at it.

What does the work look like in real life? Time, effort, patience, sacrifice, discipline, self-control, consistency, commitment, developing, sweat, tears, failure, restarting, stress, balance, challenge, criticism, the list is endless. And yes, looking at that list it’s very easy to see why anyone would say ‘It’s not for me bro’, but if you want it, it’s a package deal- You can’t pick and choose the bits you want.

In my experience, when trying to change anything, the idea is to focus your energy on one thing. Full focus and attention on one thing is bound to produce greater results at a rapid rate than giving your divided attention to many things. The latter is also a sure fire way to not only be ineffective but stagnant. You will feel like you’re working but the reality is you’re working on too many of the wrong things at the same time and going nowhere fast.

Now I’m not advocating that you abandon everything else, simply that you devote most of your efforts to accomplishing one thing before diversifying. Become skilled at one thing and that will give you the necessary tools to increase your success rate in other areas of your life. Continue as you are? Well you already know what that looks like.

Xo

Growth in Leaps and Bounds

23 Monday May 2016

Posted by in Life, Thoughts in motion, Uncategorized

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I was paid a compliment over the weekend about my blog, which is always nice to hear. The comment was your posts are so “well written”. I chuckled because my skills in writing are much better than what it used to be. Back then I didn’t care for punctuation marks, syntax, and I never, ever, ever proof read my work. As you can imagine, on reflection, it was abysmal.

I then recalled a time where I had written a post in anger about what I would consider at that point, a tumultuous period of my life. It was 2012 and that year was rough! You name it, I went through it! The brief conversation I had over the weekend caused me to go looking for this post.

When I found it and re-read it, I was howling with laughter. The write up was a complete and utter mess! It was only once and strictly for the purposes of venting, but goodness me, was I possessed? Probably, I honestly thought I was cursed, because my life was Murphy ’s Law personified: Anything that could go wrong, will go wrong*

Anyway, I mentioned the above to prove that where you start isn’t always where you will be, if you continue to practice and push forward, you WILL get better.

Below is the post from 2012, read at your own peril. Apart from the strikethroughs that I have inserted, this has not been altered, just to show you how bad it was. The post represents growth, not only in my writing ability, but also in me as a person. My mentality is completely different, stronger, less impenetrable with negativity, and I most certainly don’t stay down for as long. I now know better and for the most part, I try and do better.

Parental advisory, there are a lot of expletives, let’s just say I was VERY angry…

“Diary of an Angry Black Woman

So the day is the 7th July a Saturday to be precise and I have a meeting scheduled with a friend to conjure up our plan for world domination..ok not really. Just a business meeting really. She lives in Essex and i, in south london. We arrange to meet in Stratford as its in the middle for both of us..well sort of…what a big fucking mistake that was.

This is how my day began…I start getting ready for my 3 pm meeting, telling myself I WILL BE ON TIME -_- I jump in the bath and lather myself up, thinking about today’s pending events. Whilst doing my make up (thinking I still had ample time) i look to my laptop and see its 14.24, shit, fuck shit shit fuck where did the time go?! however this particular friend suffers from the same disease i have “johnny come lately” so I didn’t worry too much about being on time, although i felt a little defeated at not meeting my goal.

We were to meet up in Westfields Stratford but there was a problem, the car park for Westfields was closed and will be till 19th September…no i do not think you heard me.. till the 19th OF SEPTEMBER! WTF ? this is ridiculous sooo all of my tax money into a car park I cant park in? All because of the bleeding flipping Olympics, this is fast becoming the bane of my life. Did I mention I have no road tax? At a cost of 107 GBP for 6 months only, I’m finding it extremely hard to let go of that money coupled with the fact that wait…I don’t actually have that money to give…its long being legit *bbm not interested face* However I have an absolutely clean record and have no intentions in becoming a statistic so I make arrangements to sort it out before travelling to Stratford. Id managed to go unnoticed thankfully by the authorities but going to Stratford, a police hotspot I didn’t want to risk it.

I leave my house and make my way to my local to sort out my bank card, I say sort out what I really mean is to extract money from where there was no money…just call me a mathemagician ha! that was dry I know…anyway before leaving my house I call my credit card holders and tell them to unlock my card as id blocked it a few weeks ago- This was to source the road tax payment. I get to my local, put money in a pay and display ticket machine…20p per 8 mins! Ok it’s not much but when brokeness strikes every fucking penny counts. I do what i have to and leave.

The time is now 15.30 and I’m a long way from being at my meeting. I thought to myself do I chance it and go Stratford anyway or buy the road tax ? I guess fate would have its own way or maybe not…as I was driving to Stratford , I approach a post office and thought fuck it, ill get it now. I read the tax renewal form and distinctly at the bottom reads no credit card allowed FFS bummed! luckily I had made this discovery earlier on and transferred the very little that i had left into my current account from a lack lustre savings account *sigh* I had printed off a balance statement which showed I had only a fiver left in it…a fiver. Need i say more about my current affairs? times were definitely hard right now but i chose not to cry and bury myself in it but to remain cool, calm and collected. My insides were raging THIS CANNOT BE LIFE-im too nice for this stuff but whatevs right now, whatevs.
Moving on..i hop out of my car and walk towards the post office guess what? its motherfucking closed! just my luck. *sigh* 😦 i get back into my car and conclude ill go to Stratford anyway throwing caution to the wind, and in any case my friend was already there so I didn’t have a choice. I drive trying not to care that the big bad wolf may appear at anytime.

On my way there I’m thinking of where I can possibly park. Stratford a former dumping ground for all things unimportant had fast become a tourist magnet with the erection of the now infamous “Westfields” and it being the pinnacle for the Olympics. ‘The Stratford City’ as they are trying to rename it IDGAF it will always be a craphole to me. Good for the economy my ass..what about its inhabitants why cant I fucking park in the car park…morons!

Having an AHA! moment I think ill park in the other car park attached to the original mall…yeahhhhh I say convinced I got it sussed out and the answer to my present problem solved right? WRONG! as I come closer to the car park I see the sign ” Car park closed” -_____________________- you’ve got to be kidding me. I begin to think hard and fast of the next option.

I drive away from Stratford centre to the residential area in hope of finding a space. I turn into one road and seeing a single yellow line I think I’m in luck but my luck ran out straight away when I see a ticket warden issuing a ticket to a car in front of me. Great! However it is better to have seen that not to as that would have been my second ticket in a month and I wasn’t down for that shit…not today not ever! I hate those yellow looking pieces of paper ever noticeable from a distance..bloody bastards. I drive on with no progress, now I’m tired, stressed and frustrated. There were park and displays but i wasn’t prepared to pay for one I’d rather be in a car park.
Morrison’s wasn’t far but my friend’s recent ticket from there put me off so I didn’t even bother venturing inside. I think I have another “bright idea” and decide to drive to my friends in Forest Gate to park at hers and ask if she can drop me to Stratford..long winded I know but I just didn’t want a ticket or to pay a park and display no friggn way. I ping ping ping her to ask her of her availability, she gets back to me a minute away from hers to tell me she wasn’t at home. Fab just Fab.

I park up on the road and just sit there. Thinking about my pitiful life where did it all go wrong? Lord why me? What did I do? I remain there for about 10 minutes. I figure to just pick my friend up and we go to another area where there’s parking to have this meeting. I ping her to let her know my plans and she calls me to get understanding of the plan..Something she rarely gets. As we confirm the new meeting point “Bus stop” the phone goes dead.”hello, hellOOO” nothing. Hmmmp I ping her and call her but her line is dead, now is not the time for this to happen. I shouldn’t really expect any different there was always something wrong with her phone. I sit there for another 5 minutes or so hoping she’ll call back but nothing.

I decide to drive past the said bus stop which was the Stratford station one, yer the one brimming with hundreds of people yep that very one. How in the world am I supposed to see her? What I had wanted to tell her was to stay at the taxi rank bit where she’d be more visible but I couldn’t. As I draw nearer to Stratford bus stop I stay in gear 2 so as to get a better look but that was a waste of time, I saw no one.

I park in another residential area and wait for another 20 minutes, I get nothing from her. I ping her to let her know what I’ve done and how I have now left Stratford. Driving back to south london I look at my phone and I see my messages have ‘D’ next to it, are you fucking kidding me?! I park up on a road near Canning town station and wait..true to form she rings me and relays to me that her phone switched off and wouldn’t turn back on Cheers Shitberry! She said she came to the bus stop station and didn’t see me and is now on her way back home to Romford.
What a friggn waste of time and petrol.. Through no real fault of ours, the plan for world domination was put on hold.

I also found out that Morrison only charged 1 GBP for 2 hours NOW you tell me! ugh. Im just not in the mood.

So there we have it. I’m at home trying to unwind and eventually prepare for my tonights date-This better be worth it, I’m not prettying myself for another epic fail.

Moral of the story? I should of just fucking skyped.

Signed-ABW “

*Adapted by John Stapp