Tag Archives: challenge

It’s Not You, It’s Me.

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Whenever we take up issue with something or someone else, it is usually an indication of a greater issue that we have going on internally. For example, if you’re jealous of someone else’s looks or life, what that might be saying is that you have low self-esteem and do not see yourself as valuable. There may already be a feeling of inadequacy in existence, which seeing another person further aggravates.  

I recently had a situation where I felt like someone wasn’t as attentive as I would have liked. I worked myself up for days going over the details, but I knew that the issue didn’t really lie with them, it was me. I didn’t feel good enough, I didn’t have great confidence in myself, I didn’t believe I was worthy. During that period I acknowledged that I had some work to do on myself. And no it’s not easy nor does it happen overnight.

You see the problem isn’t always about the other person and what they did, in many instances it’s about us and how we truly feel about ourselves. This is part of the reason why it’s so important to focus on ourselves, because when we shift it onto something or someone else to avoid dealing with the problem, we do ourselves and the people around us a disservice. It’s a disservice because we’re not able to tap into the crux of what is happening, which ultimately shapes our world and the experiences we have. We cannot live at or give our best if we do this. If we don’t address it internally, we can never change it externally. 

So the next time someone’s actions or presence evokes a negative reaction or feeling in you, think about what it is really saying about you, is there something for you to work on? And if so don’t be afraid of it. Broach it with care and take your time, but whatever you do, do not ignore it. 

 Xo

3 P’s: Perfectionism, Procrastination, Paralysis

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I planned to write on something completely different, but after a brief conversation with an old friend in which she sent me an article, I thought maybe this article would be useful to others like me.

The 3 P’s: Perfectionism, Procrastination, Paralysis.

If you’re affected by one P, you’ll be affected by two and likely the third P too. Works like a pendulum going back and forth. If you do suffer from any of the above, then you understand how truly crippling this can be for your any area of your life.

Reading the article that I am about to share was like having a mirror to look into and you can only improve upon what you know. I hope it’s insightful.

“Do you set your standards high, but always feel like you’ve failed? Learn about the 3 “P’s” and end the vicious cycle that keeps you stuck and ineffective.

THE VICIOUS CYCLE

Perfectionism, procrastination, and paralysis – one often leads to the next, in a vicious cycle, especially on large, long-term projects with no clear deadlines. Let’s look at each part of this cycle, and explore some concrete steps that you can take to disrupt the cycle.

PERFECTIONISM

Although most of my coaching clients don’t contact me until they are suffering from the second or third “P,” I will start with the first, one: perfectionism. This trait can be defined as striving towards impossibly high goals. The perfectionist is caught in a trap – he or she can never be good enough. Usually a perfectionist engages in a rigid, black or white kind of thinking about his own performance – if it isn’t perfect, it’s horrible.

I see perfectionism as existing on one end of a continuum. Up to a certain point, aiming high can help you become successful. Most academics who have made it to graduate school have set high standards for themselves and have met those high standards. There is nothing wrong with pushing yourself to attain excellence. It only becomes a problem when the goal is always set beyond your reach.

The Mediocre Perfectionist?

Ironically, the perfectionist often achieves a product that is far less than perfect. In contrast, those who aim at more realistic goals can outperform the perfectionist. How could that be? The procrastination and paralysis that result from overly high standards causes the perfectionist to wait until it’s too late, then rush to do something; anything. The more relaxed realist, in the meantime, is able to put an effort in earlier, over a more prolonged period of time, with more chance to let time and subsequent editing improve the final product…”

You can read the rest here

Xo

 

‘If It Doesn’t Challenge You, It Won’t Change You’

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I’d be the first to say I like an easy life. Stress and drama are not my kindred and so far as is possible I avoid it, but sometimes you simply can’t, sometimes its necessary.

I saw the above title on Instagram yesterday and all the ways this statement applies came flooding through my mind; the gym, my career, my relationships.

When hardship comes, we often look for the quickest way to stop it, instead of looking at how this can shape us to be better. We don’t want to struggle or to feel pain, but truth be told whether we like it or not it’ll come, the real test is in how we deal with it.

The challenges that come our way are an opportunity to become better and refine our character, however this will not be possible if every time something threatens our comfort we run or shut down.

Challenge is an integral part of anyone’s development, learn to embrace it and make it work for you not against you. When next it crosses your path, refuse to run or shut down, ask yourself ‘How can this make me better?’

Xo

Turning 30: 20 Things to Know in Your 20’s

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Can I scream? Am I allowed? I feel like I need to or rather I am going to.

This week has been, how do I put it nicely, challenging. I don’t know whether it is because I am turning 30 in exactly a week or there is something in the water but whatever it is, I need it to hurry up and go away.

In light of this pending new age, I thought it’d be good to do a list of the 20 things to know in your 20’s of what I have learnt, loved and lost.

As someone who is nearing the end of their 20’s you can only imagine the level of anxiety that I and many others like me are experiencing. By my culture and this societies standards,  I needed to have been married, had a baby, bought a home, a thriving career and lots of money in the bank. Ha! Almost none of those have happened.

So here are the first five things I have learnt about my 20’s:

  1. Use your youth. If you can work, work, if you can create, create. Use the energy that you have now as over time you may not have the same intensity. Think Mark Zuckerberg, Evan Spiegel, and Jessica Matthew, to name a few
  2. Look after your credit so it can look after you.
  3. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know. Form friendships of value. In any relationship it is a give and take
  4. Have wild ambitions but set realistic goals towards achieving them. Don’t say you want to be a best-selling author by the end of the month yet you haven’t begun your story. Make the steps towards achieving your goals practical and achievable and over a period of time, you will accomplish it.
  5. If you have an idea, build on it now. There’s absolutely no such thing as the perfect time. Will you fall flat on your face? Most likely. But what you will learn will be invaluable to your growth and development.

Growing into adulthood isn’t easy and as with anything there’ll be highs and lows, you just have to learn how to roll with it.

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I’m smiling inside, I promise.

See you tomorrow!

XO

P.s I am accepting virtual gifts next week 🙂

 

 

Finishing Strong

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Typically around this time of the year we start to reflect on all that we’ve done. We look at what’ve achieved and what we haven’t.

We examine closely the things we didn’t get to do and resign to saying ‘2018’ is my year. Pray tell, how will 2018 be any different if you’re not doing anything different? You still think the same, speak the same, act the same, have the same conversations, do the same things and somehow it’ll be…different?

I want you to remember that 2017 isn’t over yet and there is so much we can still do in creating the life we want to live.

Now I don’t have all the answers but I do know a little something that might help. I learnt something recently from my mentor that has helped shape what I do now and it’s this; the work is your habits.

What do your habits say about you and your life? The state of your life is in direct correlation to the habits you have nurtured and practice on a daily basis. For example, if you work out regularly, it’s likely to be evident in your fitness, physique and mentality. Like the saying goes the proof is the pudding.

After a long day at work, like most I just want to plop onto my bed. I don’t want to do any ‘house stuff’ least especially laundry. The clothes are on my bed and I gear up to swiftly push them to the side and curl up on my bed but I pause. What does this act do for me? 1) Fosters laziness and procrastination 2) Increases workload 3) Messy space, messy life 4) Lack of clarity…you see, that ‘little thing’ isn’t worth all that comes with it, so in most cases, I’ll sort it there and then. Everything you do, is mapping out your life.

So, as you go about your daily activities today think about this, what is what I’m about to do say about me and my life? And if you find that the answer is negative, there is your starting point for you to do something about it.

Check your habits and if you don’t like the results it produces, change your habits.

Xo

The Ugliness of it All

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Like Giggs infamous lyrics say ‘It will get bloody, it will get gory’, such is the premise of progression, success and greatness.

I had a ‘moment’ yesterday where I felt like the aspirations and plans I had for my life weren’t happening nor had they come to pass.

I silenced everything and connected with that feeling. I allowed whatever emotion that came to me to flow, which in this case was tears. And I’m not a crier or I should say I don’t like crying.

After talking and meditating, clarity came; things will get ugly before it becomes beautiful.

You ever look at something or someone and think this came together like magic? Well it wasn’t magic, unless magic is effort, hard work, smart work, patience, dedication, consistency, passion, failure, tears, sweat, perseverance, losing, ungratefulness, unappreciation, stress, doubt, producing rubbish, then I suppose it is, but nothing great ever just happens.

A house didn’t always look like a house

A car didn’t always look like a car

Serena Williams wasn’t always THE Serena Williams

Everything had a small beginning, a messy middle and a refined end…and then repeat.

The difference between those that succeed and those that don’t, is tenacity. Successful people do not give up, they grow through it .

So, the question is, do you want to be successful or nah? If so, then expect that sometimes there’ll be confusion, wins, self-doubt, high points, losses, success and so on, it’s part and parcel.

SW2

Don’t let the ugliness of it all deter you from believing and working towards better.

Xo

P.s I haven’t forgotten about the challenge, I did one of mine, did you?

 

One Person Can

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A new opportunity has arisen for me and I subsequently began to think about the possibilities of what I’ll be able to do, change and improve upon. The excitement of it all boiled over. And then one thought stopped me in my tracks, “I’m one person, can I really make the difference I envision making?”. I immediately felt a sense of dejection.

“How can I, one small person make an impact? I am inexperienced and who’ll take me seriously anyway?…”. I fortunately wasn’t granted the liberty of continuing on that downward spiral because I was reminded of all the amazing things we get to enjoy and learn from in our society that was brought about by ONE person making the decision to be the change they wanted to see.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie is one of the people I admire. Her books, intellect and being her unapologetic self, are a few things that both inspire and teach me…but what if? What if she decided that her voice wasn’t worth being heard? What if she decided that Purple Hibiscus is a pile of crap and dumped it in the bin? What if she never picked up a pen? I shudder.

Chimamanda

So this is for me as it is for you, don’t allow your current circumstances, inexperience or insecurities deprive you of believing that you are necessary and what you have to offer is valuable. Hold on to that little voice telling you can, because you can.

Xo

P.s How’s your challenge going?

 

New Week: Press Reset

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Who taught you to stop believing?

Do you remember being a child and believing in the impossible? Nothing was off limits. I can recall countless times where whatever I thought of or believed in happened. I’m not going to share what some of them were, because I am certain someone will want to cart me off to the head doctor.

I spent so much of my childhood especially being the only child for almost 10 years (and at that point you’re still an only child because of the age gap), living in my imagination. I would conjure up stories, desires and situations which made my young life that much richer. Life, however, has other plans and slowly all the negative things get the better of us and we soon forget how to manifest and live more.  But I want to get back there, living as a child does, with no doubts, little fear and great ambition.

I asked myself this question, ‘how do we not become bogged down with the negative things that have happened, to cause us to believe less?’ The answer I received is this, learn and let go.

Think about it, a lot of children when they hurt themselves or don’t succeed at doing something, they get right back up and do it again. A child learning to walk after falling down a few times doesn’t suddenly say ‘yeah this walking stuff isn’t for me’, they carry on trying until they get it. The recollection of how badly it went wrong the first time is but a distance memory to them; they learn and they move on.

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One of the ways we can implement this ability is by following this principle by the good book, where it says but transformed by the renewing of your mind. One interpretation of this that you have to constantly, daily even, press reset.

With this in mind, I have decided to push myself beyond my self-inflicted limitations and I would love for you to join me.

Pick one thing that you have found to be a challenge to accomplish. It could be going to the gym 4 times a week, finishing off a proposal, having that business meeting, registering your company, making that dreaded phone call to a family member that you have not spoken to in years, buying a house, it could be absolutely anything. Decide that by the end of the week (19.11.17), you would have either done it or are one step closer to doing it. The one step does have has to be a huge step (no pressure 🙂 ).

My challenge has dragged on for many years, but I am determined to pull my finger out! I’ll definitely share mine next Monday, eek!

In the water

I’ll leave with this which I wholly believe in, it is always better to have tried something than to not have tried at all. You learn so much quicker when you do than when you don’t.

See you on the flipside!

Xo

Facing my fears one by one: Dans Le Noir

08 Wednesday Jun 2016

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I’m always open to trying new things, you cannot know if you like something until you do it.

Last Sunday I did something that if I had known the full extent of what it entailed, I wouldn’t have done it. Nope not I.

I had heard about this restaurant called Dans Le Noir, which in english is ‘In the Dark’. I had wanted to go for a while now, but the chance hadn’t presented itself. The premise of the restaurant is that you dine in the dark.

One fateful day last week, my friend invited me and of course I leapt at the opportunity, finally, I get to go!

The day of reckoning had arrived and after telling my other very dry friends (lol) also known as enemies of progress, what I was about to do, they proceeded to tell me ALLLLLL the things that could go wrong, including finding a maggot in my food?!

Naturally, I start to get nervous, especially as I’m an exceptionally picky eater. I defiantly tell them that I am still going and that there’s nothing they can do to dissuade me. At this point the really dark part hadn’t quite dawned on me.

I meet up with my friend who I was attending dinner with, and he begins to give me a better idea of what it would be like as he had been before some years back.

I am told the waiters are blind and about the blackness I am about to go into.

I heard him but I didn’t REALLY hear him because when I say, nothing prepares you for the dining experience, I mean absolutely nothing!

You think your eyes will adjust and you’ll see something, nope not happening.

It’s time to go in, I place my hand on the shoulder of the waiter Fabio as he leads us into the dining area.

OH.MY.GOODNESS

It

Was

Dark

Once seated, I begin to hyperventilate because the place feels small, not that I would know because I couldn’t see anything (i’m claustrophobic) and on top of that I forgot something quite crucial. I have a fear of going blind.

I truly felt what it might be like to be blind and for me it was an eye opener,literally. I was so appreciative of Fabio, who was incredibly helpful and polite.

In a way it’s good that I wasn’t prepared because I never would have done it. I wanted to sprint towards the door, but that would have been a futile attempt for obvious reasons.

Thankfully my friend was there and managed to get me to relax, which was no easy task. I’m grateful I was with him otherwise I would not have stayed and faced my fear in this way.

What I loved about it was the sense of freedom it gave, in that you could speak freely and without judgement. You also bonded with the other diners because you were all sharing a very rare experience together. There were no distractions, just you, your company and the darkness as companions and this meant you were really able to engage with them and others around you.

Will I do it again? Not any time soon, give me a minute. In the future, possibly.

Should you do it? Absolutely! Try it once.

What’s next on the list? Well sky diving durrh 😉

XO

Get your mind out of the gutter!

29 Monday Feb 2016

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I have quite high expectations of my life and I work daily towards reaching and maintain those standards but sometimes, my thoughts trail off into the gutter.

What do I mean? When things get tricky, the first thing you want to do is to resort back to familiar behaviours. Its what you know and what you believe to have worked and that’s fine…except excellence and greatness, cannot come from sameness or being comfortable. You must push against the urge to settle for less or what you are used to.

Whatever you used to get ‘there’ has served its purpose and cannot be recycled to advance you to the next place; you must evolve or otherwise forever be stuck.

By way of our upbringing, surroundings, associations and interactions we are nurtured to think and behave in specific terms. It stays that way until one day, we are introduced to something different, possibility.

For example, you want to buy a home, however, once upon a time owning property wasn’t even a figment of your imagination, never mind it being an actual reality. Your parents weren’t homeowners and neither were your grandparents. You lived in an area where the residents predominantly lived on welfare. You attended school with most of the kids who lived in your area BUT one day, there was an opportunity to join an after school club which you took. The club was girls scout. There you met with girls of different ages and backgrounds. You befriended a girl who was from a middle class family. You went to her house, met her family, had sleepovers, and here, you were introduced to a different way of living. You have now been exposed to the possibility of something different.

A gutter usually contains waste, and is full of things that are no longer beneficial to and for you, in this case it would be old habits and thinking practices. I cant lie and say its easy to do, after all you are literally trying to rid yourself of something that has been a part of you for a very long time, so what do you do? Take the blue pill (old ways) which you have consistently taken for years or try the red one(new ways)where the possibilities are endless? It is always your choice.

Three things you need to know:

  • It wont be easy but it’ll be worth it
  • When it gets challenging, you WILL want to resort back to what is familiar because lets face it, it’s the safest option, BUT you may never have what it is that you have always desired.
  • The time is always now! Take it from me, its very easy to use the excuse of life has gotten in the way but with or without you, life will carry on. Its imperative to hold on and focus on the positive changes that you wish to effect into your life and the life of others.

I remember the year I graduated from University like it was yesterday, that was 7 years ago! And when I observe the things I wished to accomplish, I find that a lot has not yet been achieved, why? Well, life of course.

But how long will ‘life’ continue to be a crutch for the lack thereof? Again, the decision is made by you in what you opt to do on an everyday basis, take the blue pill, get the same results, take the red one and who knows? What do you have to lose?

Forward ever, backwards never.