Tag Archives: emotional

The Danger of Expectations

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Posted by in Lessons Learnt, Life, More Action

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Do you always get what you want?

Some time back I wrote in my notes that my expectations are making me depressed.

They’re such a weird thing, like you’re “meant” to have them, but then having them makes you prone to disappointment. On the other hand not having them can mean that you accept much less or that in some cases you receive much more, so what exactly are we supposed to do? How do we get the balance right?

At one point in my life I was the person with little to no expectations of things and people and without realising it received everything. I have also been the person with high expectations and intentions and consistently seen it fall through in epic proportions and consequently been gravely disappointed. For this reason I have spent some time really ruminating over ‘expectations’ and I think I have it figured out.

When I think about it, a lot of the times I’ve had a clear vision of what I want, it typically doesn’t materialise in that way. I still get it, it just looks a bit different.

Lots of motivational speakers talk much about belief, faith, setting intentions and so on, but what they don’t tell you is how to do these things; and believe it or not I do think there is a method to it. Not one that suits everything of course, but one that produces a healthier balance for your life (subjectively speaking).

Follow me for a moment. Ever watched a film adaptation of one of your favourite books and after watching it you thought ‘this was shit’. Well of course it was! It is NEVER going to match up to the imagery that your intricate and unique mind conceived.

Now using that same analogy, apply it to other situations, a job, a friendship, a lover, money, children. Can you see how you could live in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction and disappointment? How will you or anyone make it when your thoughts have determined what EVERY action and outcome should be? You have left no room for deviation, no room for creativity, no room for life to do its thing and with this way of thinking not even God will make the cut.

So many people are walking around depressed because things didn’t work out how they thought it would and then spend a considerable amount of time focusing on the results that didn’t happen. In doing this you miss out on what did happen, the blessings in that and also what you could do to make it better.

When we create and cement the outcome down to a T and refuse to be open, we deprive ourselves of being able to witness and appreciate the beauty in what IS happening. We stunt its growth and ultimately our growth. The happiest people as we know are those that make the best of what is there not of what isn’t.

The most successful people are successful because they keep moving. They didn’t get stuck on what didn’t happen, they focused on what did and made it better.

So do be expectant, continue to visualise, but refrain from becoming overly attached to it and restricting what it should be. Okay, you might say that’s settling. It’s not. We have to remember that we are not the only ones involved in the makings of something. There are so many other factors involved, ones that we can see and ones that we can’t and we need to consider that too.

Allow life to happen because whether we like it or not, it will happen with or without you so you might as well roll with it.

Xo

P.s My sister took my pictures and I was obviously pretending to be cool or whatever.

10 Signs of a Toxic Person

16 Monday Jan 2017

Posted by in Experiences, Life, More Action, Thoughts in motion

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If they restrict your happiness, constrict their access.

I think we can all agree that we want 2017 to be even better and one of the ways to do that is to check the people you associate yourself with.

Some people are no good for you and no matter how much you want it to be different, it won’t.

With that said, you REALLY need to be mindful of the company you keep. The kind of people you surround yourself with can either help you build, help you destroy, or keep you in the same place. Sometimes its family, sometimes its friends, sometimes its colleagues and sometimes it’s your environment. Whichever it is, if it is working against you, you need to cut your losses while you can.

To give clarity, here’s a situation that I think a lot women will be able to relate to.You get into a relationship with a man who was initially a great guy. Years go by and the relationship changes for the worse. He is not supportive, berates whatever you do, is uninterested in anything you have to offer and so on.You have been unhappy for a while and you’re aware of this, but you stay in hope that it will change and get better.

You confide in your friends, who by the way, are constantly in drama of their own doing. Their advice is that you’re lucky to have a man and how many women at your age do not have partners, so work with what you’ve got.

You don’t entirely agree and believe that this is not healthy and think that ending the relationship is the best outcome, after all you and your partner have stopped being able to relate. However, you’re so used to it, that you carry on with the charade because leaving seems way too hard. You remember what your friends said and eventually convince yourself that they are right.

Things continue as they are and it’s worsening, “that’s it!” you say to yourself and finally muster up some courage to end it, but then there’s a surprise, you’re pregnant.

It just went from bad to worse, because children usually exacerbate the issues already there to a whole ‘nother level.Resentment, regret and remorse settle in and you struggle to forgive yourself for not taking the plunge sooner. What was left of that relationship went up in smoke and a host of other issues arise in a bid to co-parent. The recovery time from all of this…who knows?

The above scenario could happen to anyone and I know a number of people where this has occurred. Were there opportunities to cut their losses? Undoubtedly. Often times we don’t act quick enough and the fallout of course is monumental.

The signs are always there…

Check out some of them below:

  1. They are life and energy suckers.
  2. They talk negatively about everything and everyone, including you.
  3. They get you to do things that you really don’t want to, manipulative.
  4. They give you advice that is usually to your detriment.
  5. They do not support your dreams.
  6. They are mentally, emotionally and physically abusive.
  7. They do not take an interest in what you do or in your day.
  8. Everything is about them, and their struggles, me, me, me, me!
  9. They are never wrong and are always above reproach
  10. They do not take accountability for their actions

*Megaphone* The above applies to you too! You might need to check yourself and see if you do or don’t fall into the above categories. It is unfair to expect a behavior that you, yourself, do not display.

I have to add that a toxic person isn’t necessarily a bad person, it may be that these habits were learned and so they don’t know any better, however it is not your job to ‘fix’ them. A conversation might be in order to assist them in their journey but while they figure that out, you need to figure you out.

If their behavior does not change and is still detrimental to your well-being, cut the umbilical cord and release yourself.

Ill return to this topic with ways of filling that void you may now have lost but first, get to snipping.Okay, here’s one for now, find some energy giving people, people who make you laugh and go to environments that lift you up. I like driving at night time into the area that I’d like to own a home. I peer into their homes (from the car lol) a tad stalker-ish (don’t judge me) but it shows me another side to what I regularly see.

Xo

P.s I am fully aware that using a bitmoji as a picture is a total cop out, but hey it works for me 🙂

A Different Kind of Love 

18 Wednesday May 2016

Posted by in Life, Thoughts in motion

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I have wanted to write on this topic for a while now, however I am still formulating my thoughts on what it is but so far here is what I have…
Self love, what is self love? I don’t have a concrete answer for this yet, but by own personal theory and understanding, self love is loving yourself the way you would want someone to love you. I’ve described it this way because I think it’s easier to digest.

Men and women dream of this “person” that will come and save them, treat them in ways you only hear about in books. To respect them, cherish them, care for them, encourage them, share with them, understand them, forgive them, be thoughtful, accept their flaws and all these other wonderful things. My question is this, are you all of these things for yourself? And if not, why not? When we think of love, we always think of it as being something outside of ourselves, that you only share with another person or thing but never with the person you spend the most time with, you.

Self love isn’t simply the superficial things we do to make ourselves feel better, but it’s how we speak about and to ourselves, how we consider ourselves, how we serve ourselves, how we respect ourselves, how we value ourselves, how we invest in ourselves, and how we cater to our spiritual, emotional and physical needs.

What does that look like in real life? Well, it’s doing what we are supposed to do when we’re supposed to do it. Our instincts serve as a guidance for the things we should accept, remove, grow from or let go of, however we’ve been conditioned and or choose to ignore it.

How are you nourishing yourself? It is commonly said that if you don’t love and respect yourself, no one else will. People treat you how you allow them to treat you. You, are the common denominator, it starts and ends with you.

I believe if you love yourself the way you want someone to love you, it will be difficult to exist in spaces where love isn’t attracted or reciprocated back to you.

At some point in the very near future, I’ll expand further on what self love looks like in real life, but for now I hope it’s opened your mind up a little as to what it is.

Till next time, be good to yourself.

What’s the worst that can happen?

30 Thursday Jul 2015

Posted by in Life

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What’s the worst that can happen?

I learnt something recently that I thought was quite insightful, ’Anxiety is worrying about the future and depression is worrying about the past’. The truth is the ONLY thing that matters is this present moment and what you chose to do with it.

Confess, how many of you have spent an inordinate amount of time worrying about what ‘could’ happen? I know I’m a repeat offender and all that serves to do is to rob me of my present time and my senses.

Out of all the things that you foresaw happening, how much of it actually manifested? In retrospect, what was the purpose of giving those imagined stresses your valuable energy? As the saying goes, whatever you focus on expands. The same applies to the past, (and I don’t mean to trivialise it ) you are no longer experiencing whatever it was that happened to you in the physical, why chose to mentally re-enact the circumstances and consequently reengage the emotions over and over again? its torture.

Okay let’s say it materialised as you anticipated, now what? You deal with it. Sounds harsh but follow me for a minute, think back to when there were others issues that arose in your life, I’m pretty sure at the time you thought ‘I’m not going to be able to deal with this’ yet you did.

The quality of life can be enhanced by CHOOSING to perceive it differently-When you think differently, you behave differently and therefore alter the end results.

I was having a morning of it, self- inducing stress over things that had not yet happened. The moment I begun to tell myself my worries have not occurred, it calmed me down significantly and I regained focus on what I am able to do now and also on what I do have. Granted, it is not always as easy as this, but it’s a good place start.

We are not taught to let go enough, instead it is reinforced to live in the past and never forget what someone did to you, what you encountered, or what might have been. With that comes a whole set of residual interests by way of our memories and feelings, it’s no wonder that many of us are embittered and miserable. We are in a constant state of past dwelling (or in some cases future dwelling).

Take time today to consider where you deposit your physical, mental and emotional energy, assess whether it is effectively being used in the right place. If you conclude otherwise, consciously choose to transfer it elsewhere and it starts by becoming aware.

Following on from that, centre your energy on the things you have the ability to affect for the better. The idea is to build on that instead of dissipate your energy being anxious.

The way you think either fortifies you or is killing you-remember that.