Tag Archives: experience

Fumbling in the Dark

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Remember when you were a kid and you for the first time, entered a room you’d never been in. It was pitch black and although there was no real reason to be scared, you still were.
You don’t know where the light switch is, and you can hear your heart beating out of your chest. You don’t know what’s in the room, you don’t know if you’re ready for what ‘might’ be lurking in this dark place. You don’t want to be scared but your imagination is running wild.
You frantically place your hands on the wall, trying to find the switch but you can’t find it. You keep feeling your way around, moving carefully, in case you hit something that could hurt you. After a few more seconds you find the light switch and the brightness that comes next surprises you even though you expected it.

Your eyes slowly adjust and you take in what’s there. Some things you recognise as you’ve seen something similar before and some things you don’t.
As you’re now in the room you might as well get involved and get discovering. You’re still cautious because what you find could change things.

You make a plan of what you’re going to do based on your previous experience. You start looking at the things you know, with the goal of getting to what you don’t recognise uncertain of what you’ll learn. Will there be money? A toy? Something you’re not supposed to see or know? A letter? Hidden information about a family member?…

That’s life. Full of twists and turns, ups and downs, good times and not so good times, failures and successes, dark moments and brighter days and to thrive, you have to live through it.

You are not going to be able to have everything figured out all the time and this truthfully, is one of the most difficult challenges I have. I have to know everything. I need to know what and when the outcome will be and that’s thing, you cannot truly experience the best life has to offer by controlling everything. You have to free up the reigns a little bit (takes note), embrace what comes, and be present.

Xo

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Gratitude

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img_1716Wait till it’s taken away from you, maybe you’ll remember to be grateful for what you have in future.

It’s so easily done isn’t it? Things are good, every area of your life is booming as you’ve always wanted, ‘you’ve got it like that’…until you don’t, and all hell breaks loose.

Part of the pain we experience when times are rough, is guilt. We experience guilt for not being appreciative of what we had, we reminisce and regret the haughtiness we had in thinking that this will be forever. Still, in those hard times, we should be grateful because there is always something to be thankful for.

I often experience an uncomfortable ease when a terrible thing happens and suddenly there’s an urgent call to love your loved ones as it’s short lived. It does not cultivate the solid essence of being grateful because it stems from fear. And yes I’m definitely a culprit.

Being grateful is to do so irrespective of what you do or don’t have. The benefits are clear.
From the simplest, most mundane and normal things to the major changes and transitions, have gratitude, for the love of it, not for the fear of it, even when it’s tough.

Xo

Hard Lessons: The 100th Time

04 Monday Dec 2017

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You know a couple of weeks ago when I said sometimes the things you go through isn’t just for you it’s for others? Well that would be me right now. Huff.

I make good progress and feel like my decisions are sound and BOOM Abort! Abort! Abort! Too late, a f**k up.

I am kicking myself because I am so sure that I shouldn’t be in this position. I should have known it wasn’t a great idea, I should have left when I was supposed to, I should not have committed even just a little bit if I knew that I would not go the distance, I should have had the foresight to see what could go wrong, and the rhetoric goes on and on and on.

Needless to say, that particular dialogue is unhelpful, in fact it’s rather useless. I have two options; continue with that line of thought or be pragmatic about it. I, although challenging to do, have chosen the latter.

When things don’t go as expected, it’s very easy to wallow and sing woe is me, however it’s much more work to will yourself to see the upside and press forward.

In evolving forward, a good place to start is by taking responsibility for the part you have played. Think about what you did, what effects did it have? Was it positive or negative? What are the ramifications?  Get a full picture of what has taken place. You see, the mess isn’t necessarily created in that instant, it’s usually prepped and primed beforehand, meaning there are things we have done that contributed to what we now experience.

But, let’s be honest, we’re all winging this thing called life. We’re figuring it out as we go along, making mistakes, failing, falling, and everything else in between, yet those are the very things that can propel us forward to something even better. A chance to grow and be great is, irrespective of our circumstances, a blessing.

Embrace the things that cause you to question yourself and re-evaluate your choices as that will lead you (should you choose) to something worthwhile.

Okay, I’m going now, I have some figuring out to do but I’ll be back soon enough. Until then, *sings* goodbye my lover, I mean have a super sexy week ahead! Yes I said super sexy 🙂

Xo

Relish the moment before it’s too late.

25 Friday Nov 2016

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I’m really trying to slide back into your dm’s but having fallen out of the routine, it’s a bit of a struggle to begin posting regularly again. Huff.

Anyway, I attended a one day course called ‘Building Resilience’, which was brilliant! I gained a lot, but my biggest take away was learning how crucial it is to be in the present moment.  

My problem is that I am never here. My mind, my presence is almost always somewhere else: I need to be at the next place, doing something else, being somewhere else, creating something and hardly ever giving great attention to what it is I am currently doing-This is not a way to exist.

So in a bid to be in the now, I have decided to make the moment big-GER! You make the moment bigger by expanding it. Break down what’s happening into little bits, more specifically bits of things to be thankful for.

  • Think about the things you have now but once wished and prayed for.
  • Think about the things you are learning and what this current period is preparing you for.
  • Think about what you have achieved already that once seemed impossible
  • Think about all the wonderful things happening around you, live in that moment and give it ALL of your attention, lest (I like this archaic word ‘lest’) you find yourself in the future reminiscing about this stage right here or even worse having not prepared for the future you want!

From doing this over past couple of days, I have experienced a new level of peace and certainty that I don’t usually have because I spend most of my time worrying about everything. It’s definitely refreshing to have that peace of mind.

Join me in resolving to relish the moment, be more compassionate towards yourself, and occasionally pat yourself on the back for how far you have come irrespective of the circumstances, as truth be told not everyone made it through to today…

XO  

Ps The featured picture is my friend (the celebrant) and I at her birthday.

Pps My birthday is coming up soon…eek!

Adulting- Whose idea was this anyway?

04 Monday Jul 2016

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The older I get, the more realise that actually, I don’t like change. Maybe that’s an ‘age’ thing :s. As much as I value growth and evolving, I like it on my own terms and at my own pace. When it’s dictated to me by other things and forces, it throws me for a loop and I contemplate, spitting out my dummy and throwing a tantrum on the supermarket floor. It takes me some time to readjust because I had my heart and mind set on a particular ideal. The end result is that I am exceptionally hard on myself.

I have experienced major changes of late and none of which I have orchestrated, well, I obviously played a part in it, but when I refer to my 5 year plan, errrrhhh yeah this wasn’t in it. Moving house, job, finances, relationships, it’s all one big blur that I’m sifting through.

What I’d really like to do is stop the tape, press rewind and go back to January 2015, and I am being deadly serious lol. Do you ever feel this way?

I learnt recently through my mentor, that I have a habit of not leaving room for ‘life’ to happen when I make my goals/plans. It’s an all or nothing type of situation, which then sends me into a downward spiral when things don’t go accordingly. The underlining trait here is that I am a control freak and I can admit that.

Change is the only thing constant, how do we deal with it when it comes unexpectedly?

I like to use myself as an example on my posts sometimes because I wouldn’t want anyone to think that I am not susceptible to life and its woes- I am, trust me.

Back to the question. Well firstly, you have to get into the ebb and flow of life, the more you resist the inevitable change, the harder it will be for you in the long run. Some things are going to happen with or without your input, you might as well get in line.

Secondly, take some time out to re-evaluate things. Often times we think of things as they could be and not as they are. By that I mean, thinking of the worst case scenarios and hypothesizing and wholly missing out on what’s actually taking place now. Let it go, learn to be creative and form a new utopia with what you have.

Thirdly, whatever has happened has happened. There is little to no sense going over what’s occurred and whose fault it is, it’s thoroughly futile to do that. The only time it is productive to do so, is if it is to find a resolution and not repeat the same mistake, outside of that, leave it alone, move on.

I must reiterate that it IS crucial that you assess the contributions you made to X results so that you can adjust and make improvements. It’s a sure-fire way to cultivate growth.

Lastly and probably most importantly, it’s as much about the journey as it is the destination. Don’t bypass the journey in trance of the destination.

Be here now.

XO

P.s I have not forgotten about my motivational muse on Monday’s, I am preparing them. J

PPS This tone of this post is a bit direct, I can sense it, but believe me when I say it is said out of love and care xoxo

What about me?!

05 Monday Oct 2015

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What about me?!

Hellooooo? Anybody there? Is anyone listening to me right now?…no?

Do you ever feel like having a full blown tantrum, a real spit out your dummy moment, in the middle of the supermarket, because life just isn’t fair!

This would be me right now, and usually when I get into this space it’s something I have to exorcise out of me, which is what I’m doing now, by sharing this with you.

Occasionally I get this feeling of being the ‘last man standing’, almost as if I’m in the twilight zone, watching everything else happen around me, except to me. Its like standing at a bus stop, and no matter how much you wave your hands up and down, jump, stand in the road, the bus just won’t stop for you! It does make you think, is there something wrong with me? Why am I always last or being overlooked?

Here are some of my thoughts on why and what to do.

1) There is a season for everything. It is important to acknowledge and understand that you cannot sow and reap at the same time. Sometimes we are not equipped yet with the things we need in order to deal with a particular opportunity. There is a training process that has to ensue before we can embark on that journey. Anything given to us prematurely, we are likely to sabotage because of the lack of wisdom.

The remedy is to continue to work on whatever it is you desire and if it’s not something you can work on, shift your focus. Ever notice how some things come more easily to you when you are not paying attention? I rest my case.

2) Undeniably, it is a hard pill to swallow when you see others with the things that you have so desired for a long time. The green-eyed monster may even rear its ugly head, thus making you jaded. It’s common and happens to the best of us; however it should NOT get the best of us. The antidote for this is again to focus on your ish. Nurture your soil, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, dedicate your efforts to what you have and what you are building. How many times have we looked at someone and thought, ‘I would love to have what they have’ and later on you find out that it was obtained through fraudulent means or that the ‘ideal’ relationship was in reality an abusive one? Not so appealing is it? Remember, a rose although pretty to look at, hosts a multitude of thorns. When the harvest is ripe it will happen for you and in some cases, better than expected.

3) Desperation reeks! There is something about being desperate that stinks of something terrible. It arrives before you and announces its presence in front of everyone. It in fact can act as a repellent for what you want. For example, you may have encountered a person that was infatuated by you, they wouldn’t stop calling, messaging, professing their undying love, yet all it did, was turn you off. Very often those people never move past the friend zone…I’m sure you get where I am going with this.

Desperation can cause you to behave unreasonably, and make costly decisions that are difficult to come back from. You can also end up sacrificing a lot more than you anticipated. Rather than operate from this space, actively chose to be strategic with your execution. For instance, lets look at the Mayweather vs Pacquiao fight that took place in May. Many people were up in arms about how ‘boring’ and ‘lack luster’ the fight was. Some said how Money May was running from Pacman, if that’s what you think he was doing then you don’t know the first thing about planning, strategy and execution. Nearly every move made by Mayweather was controlled, he undoubtedly was hit a number of times, but his strategy didn’t budge. You could see that he had a game plan, which was clearly working to his advantage. He had evidently done his research, and had mentally and physically prepared for his opponent. Everyone expected the fight to go down with right and left hooks, but he took a completely different approach, which his competitor did not envisage. This disarmed Pacman and left him visibly frustrated. Mayweathers stance gained him another world title and increased wealth, it pays in more ways than one to Plan, Strategise and Execute.

Don’t be predictable, be intentional, use the element of surprise to disarm your opponent (whatever that might be).

Now if all else fails, cry, cry profusely, and once you’ve done that, pick up from where you left off and continue on (just kidding), the idea is to keep on striving for better and not become bitter.

Ps You can now listen to an audio version of this post here https://soundcloud.com/lipstickandblackcoffee/no-29-what-about-me

Wanderers of the World 

22 Friday May 2015

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I’ve returned and have been integrated back (with some, actually a lot of resistance) into the thrills of London life,womp womp wooommmppp!

I thought it best to give you an update on my trip away alone, before I discuss anything else.

First off, it was AMAZING! I loved every bit of it, including getting lost. I have always wanted to travel and be incognito, live as the locals do. It’s great exploring a place with tourist eyes but to do so through a native’s eye is even better in my opinion. I wanted to be submerged in their culture without the privilege of being a British national (let’s not pretend that there aren’t some advantages accosted to the British).

There were many observations I was able to make as a result of being alone, things I would not have noticed if I had a companion.

One of the highlights for me, believe it or not, was commuting. Now for those that know me, commuting on London transport doesn’t make any of my highlights and for good reason. I enjoyed studying the faces of the commuters and deciphering what they paid attention to. As a visitor, I hadn’t a clue about what stood out or what was okay to do or not, so it really gave me the opportunity to learn the people, like they say when in Rome, do as the Romans do. I found it really easy to get around and I think I blended in very well, bar my Pharrell looking hat, that occasionally granted me side way glances and a few compliments too!

Another significant benefit was the FREEDOM to do whatever I wanted. I went there with no concrete plan but to simply enjoy being in a different environment and I would do whatever took my fancy. If I felt like having a quick drink in Seventy Eight (a bar in El Poble Sec), that I stumbled across on route back to my apartment, I did, if I wanted to go into the museum that I just walked past (Erotic Museum, don’t ask, I was feeling erh curious, listen I’m grown lol) I did, if I wanted to hop on the Metro and go to the beach (didn’t quite make the beach but took the cable car to Montjuic Hill) I did. There were no hesitations or debating, just doing! Which can sometimes be counter-productive when with others, too many cooks spoil the broth.

You get to learn an immense amount because you have no one else to rely on but yourself. You discover more about the city, the language, the culture, and the general idiosyncrasies. You are forced to ask questions, otherwise how else will you learn? It is a great way to open up dialogue and mingle with the locals.

So here are a few tips on travelling alone:

  • Don’t be shy, ask questions! You’ll meet new people and save yourself a lot of hassle! Always cross check the information they provide as sometimes they may not be well informed themselves. Believe and rely in your abilities.
  • Whatever you wouldn’t do at home, consider not doing abroad. It’s not restricted to this and it does require research, common sense and intuition. On the first day I made enquires at the hotel on if it was safe to travel to the city after 7 pm.  I really didn’t know how things operated and didn’t want to leave the area if it wasn’t ideal to do so. They told me it was but to be aware of pickpockets, I think that goes for most places in the world. On another occasion, I was buying sweets from a stall and a dubious looking character stood next to me, attempting to engage in conversation. He spoke to me in Spanish and French and I told him English only. The lady, serving me felt the same way I did, and moved to another point to finish the transaction. I instantly knew it was because she didn’t want me bringing out my money next to where he stood. Right as she gave me my change, in a sweet but concerned voice, whilst looking me straight in the eye said ‘Be very careful, okay?’ as her eyes fleeted across to the questionable man. I thanked her and told her I will. I was gone with the wind, she did not have to tell me twice! Thank you nice lady!
  •  Keep the important things nearby- (I preferred on my body, slightly paranoid, slightly controlling) and or in a safe and secure place.
  •  Explore, Explore, Explore! (with caution)
  •  Practice your selfie skills.

Will I be travelling alone again? ABSOLUTELY!

The Road Less Travelled…

13 Wednesday May 2015

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I write this post on my flight to Barcelona for a quick break. 

I am travelling alone *queues song* ‘all by myseeellllffffff”yes, you heard, by myself. I’m not meeting anyone there, nor do I know anyone. I am literally entering unknown territory. Although it poses no direct dangers, it’s still a nerving yet exciting prospect-Beating to your own drum.

When I told my mum, two days ago, that I was going away by myself she exclaimed ‘Irene why? You’re so impatient, why couldn’t you wait for a friend? ‘ -_- (prior to booking the trip it had been 2 months of negotiating).There’s a reason I tell my parents last minute, because in typical parental fashion, I am bound to hear a list of what I shouldn’t do, and whys. But when it’s already done and so close to the time, there’s little that can be said to change my mind and I like it that way :). Rebel? Not really, well maybe a little bit.

Travelling alone isn’t something people from my background do often, it’s kind of weird to us and to be honest, it wasn’t my first decision. I had spoken to a number of friends about travelling together and made several attempts to find something suitable for us, but nothing seemed to work with any of them. It was either the cost of holiday or trying to match our schedules and after going through this process with 5+ friends, it became tideous  and incredibly frustrating and as my mother already mentioned I am impatient.

I was still looking at holidays to fit in with a friend and then I had a thought, ‘sod it, I’m going by myself!’. No more ‘trying’ to make it work to their favour, after all it was MY desire. To be frank, the friends in question didn’t help ease the process either *major side eye*, I still love you though lol. 
If there is one with thing I detest, it’s putting your desires and aspirations on hold, in waiting for someone to be ready or get with the programme and I wasn’t about to let that happen. I needed to be on new soil and have new experiences and that’s exactly what I was going to do. 

I must say, I was inspired by a lady I met on my last holiday in France, who told me she travelled all the time by herself and thoroughly enjoyed it. I remember thinking at the time, what a brave thing to do, not knowing that in few months time that would be me. (Ooww! my ears are popping from the pressure) 

I haven’t felt this liberated in a very long time and I find myself cheesing whilst in transit, because I actually did it! (We are about to land now). I had a couple of friends say jokingly ‘You’re my hero’ because of my choice to travel alone as it’s not something people from my area do often. 

I do hope that in reality, it encourages someone to go forth in boldness for what they want. The right time or circumstance seldom come around, you have to make it that way. No matter what or who, pursue your desires with much fervency and you will be rewarded. 

I’m here now, see you xo