We all have a part to play in the health, quality and longevity of our friendships. In today’s episode I speak on a friendship that was severed for 5 years, how we came back together, and what it ultimately taught me.
What choices have you made was a question I was asked today.
I wrote the question down in my trusty Office Depot blue notepad to answer it.
My instinct was to list the ‘bad’ choices, the habits that do not serve me and then—No. I’m not going to do that, I’m going to do the opposite.
I chose instead to write down the choices I made that worked out well, the decisions that turned into something marvellous; lifelong friendships, priceless moments, great financial gains, seeing the world, dedication to handling my business and therefore having peace of mind, being responsible, working smarter and much more.
And as I did so, my trust in my abilities increased. I felt more empowered and actually, I do make f*cking great decisions. The list is proof of that.
We don’t talk up enough our great commitments and how exceptional we’ve been due to what we did, and it’s high time we start.
Spend 5 minutes listing the choices you made, be it big or small, that paid off or flourished or gave you an unforgettable gift.
Relish in what you come up with and commend yourself for being a remarkable human.
We are full of excuses. Excuses that hinder, inhibit, and can foster stagnation. And yes, sometimes they are valid and substantiated, however, they are only as powerful as we say they are. I often remember what a coach said to me once, after I poured out my heart and laid out my issues regarding overcoming …
London to Paris–that’s the move I made during a pandemic. I talk about the good, bad and uncomfortable things about starting a new life somewhere different.
I love knowing everything. I like to know what I’m doing, where I’m doing it, who I’m doing it with (don’t be nasty), and how I’m doing it. I like my t’s crossed and i’s dotted, but that’s not life. Life is full of beautiful, unpredictable, and transformative unknowns and you only get to find …
From this day forward I am no sharing with friends.
Whenever I find out something new, useful or potentially life changing, I am quick to share it with the people close to me. I want them to do good too, I want them to know what’s possible, I want them to believe in themselves more. I share so they can know what’s happening in the hopes that they’ll concede but alas they do not.
Of course, I don’t know everything, however, I do know a thing or two about certain subject matters and with that I always want to give.
But after a few failed attempts at ‘helping’, I have decided to stop. I am no longer sharing and instead have opted to just show them.
As the saying goes the proof is the pudding and sometimes there is nothing more effective than others being able to see the results for themselves.
So if you, like me, have found yourself in the position where your words are falling by the wayside, stop talking, just do it and do it well.
Recently I have felt like my interactions with those close to me have become a bit stale, and it seemed to have happened ever so rapidly.
We’re just not gelling like we used to, and with life evolving so quickly, our paths are diverging in a way that’s challenging and causing me to really reassess my relationships.
And so I made a decision to limit my engagement and take some time out to figure out what’s going on and in the meantime redirect my focus on other things.
It’s important to evaluate what’s going in your life from time to time, especially if it doesn’t feel right- The whole elevation requires separation bit.
Now I’m not sure if my game plan is to elevate, although as I think about it, I suppose it is. To mentally elevate.
Maybe you’re in similar place to me, having to figure things out and that’s okay. For your own self development, it is sometimes necessary.
There are a few things I’m doing more of in this period:
- Positive affirmations
- Reading a minimum of a chapter a day (currently, Crushing it by Gary V)
- Investing in my goals
I don’t know how long I’ll be disengaged for, it could be a week, two weeks or a month, I’ll know once I feel different.
I’ll still be here though, on the blog that is.
Dare I say it I am excited that it’s Monday and the start of a new week! Everything that happened last week is now in the past and we have new opportunities to make good on, so go forth and prosper!
Energy doesn’t lie, it can’t, it just is.
I, like a lot of people am big on energy. If their energy is off, there’s a high possibility that you’ll be off too.
Over the past couple of weeks I have been MIA because something else has held my attention. By something I mean someone. They held my attention in a way that it distracted me from the things I was supposed to do. I chose to allow their presence consume a lot of my energy and not in a good way.
During this period it became crystal clear to me how important it is to align yourself with people who encourage, support and want the best for you. If this is lacking in your relationships, run. I realised that I was dealing with someone who did not have the best intentions and although it was a difficult pill to swallow, it was absolutely necessary that I realised this now than later.
One person is enough to completely change the course of your life for the better or worse, so do not ignore the signs as they are always present and there to guide you onto a better path. Will it be pain free? No. In fact you’ll probably find it a struggle to detach yourself from them, but the pain you’ll experience from that is less than what you’ll experience in the long run if you continue to entertain and have this person influence your life.
Don’t know how to gauge if this person is right or not? Here are 5 questions to ask yourself:
- How do they regularly make you feel, uplifted or in low spirits?
- Are they helping you grow or making you stagnant?
- How have you changed since having them around, is it positive or negative?
- Do they care about your general wellbeing?
- Do they support your ambitions with love and careful consideration?
Asking those questions will paint a better picture of the quality of the relationships you have and if it’s not good, you’re one step closer to figuring out how to change that. The one thing you mustn’t do, is attempt to change them. It’s a futile exercise that no one has the power to do except the individual in question.
Your life is your responsibility and it’s up to you to filter out the people and things that do not cultivate the life you want to lead. Make it your business to protect your space.
The title was inspired by Mr Hotspot on Instagram, I love this clip https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fO6FkK5i6AY
It took me a while to learn how to not be so concerned with what someone else thought of me and my life and in all honesty I am still learning.
A couple of current truths about me are that I’m a perfectionist and critical which sort of means the same thing. So with anything that I do, it’s usually well thought out. The flip side to this is that I can be incredibly self-conscious and pedantic about everything!
‘What will they say? Will they judge me? What if they don’t like it? What if no one cares? They are going to hate it’
Pause…Okay, what if all your worst nightmares happen? And? Then what?
If there’s something I’ve learnt about people is that whether you’re bloody amazing or not they’re going to talk about you. Period. The only way to avoid that is to do nothing and be nothing and who wants to live like that? No one. And even still, no matter what it is, someone will find value in what you do and who you are. Social media is proof of this. The amount of times I’ve come across something I thought was absolutely insane, someone else was loving it.
So if they’re going to talk about you anyway, why not do the thing that you love to do, that you’re proud of, that makes you happy, that gives you purpose, that adds value that way you can stand by what you have chosen to do with your life, rather than feel like a fool for changing who you are and what you were doing to please others who couldn’t care less and are insistent on bringing you down regardless.
It’s not your business to worry about what others say about you and your life but it IS your business to be concerned your life and how you live it for you.
Surround yourself with those that will support and edify you and also be sure to BE the person you want to have in your life (Like attracts like).
Last thing, if there is one thing to consistently do in 2018 is to live your bestest (yes I said bestest) life!
Photo by Whole Magazine
As much as some find it purposeful, my writing is my remedy and I hope you’ll allow me to continue to use this platform to express myself as necessary and bear with me whilst I go through this weird phase.
A friend of mine would often say “Wow, the year of realisations” in response to anything (usually funny stuff) that takes her by surprise. I have a similar use for that phrase except the surprises are a bit more painful than funny.
I have recently had to question and re-evaluate some of the friendships that I have and it hurts to know that perception isn’t always reality.
The realisation that the esteem I held people in isn’t mutual is a hard pill to swallow. What concerns me more is having to look at myself and ask how did I get it so wrong? Why did I give of myself in a way that would yield such little return or regard?
I share this purely to show that irrespective of who anyone is, everyone deals with similar things.
How will I go forward with this new ‘enlightenment?’ Time and wise counsel from God. The one thing I do not want to do is harden my heart and become bitter, because let’s be real that will do more damage to me than it’ll ever do to them.
Relationships of any kind are hard work and require consistent reciprocal effort, compromise and compassion. If these are missing then it’s time to release the noose from around your neck and free yourself.
You cannot be of service from an empty space, you have to be full and part of that comes through your relationships with others.
Remember this, if there’s no love in it, leave it.
…In other news this is how I’m trying to be for the rest of the week:
P.s I’ll be back to normal asap.
I was rereading my last post and thinking about the kind of people I have around me. Although I love them dearly, I noticed that there are some that will feed into my plight rather than snap me out of it and that is dangerous.
For example, you’ve had a bad day and you call your friend to moan. What then followed were exchanges of experiences and a reinforcement of how ‘right’ you are to feel crap. When you get off the call, do you feel better? Typically no and if you do, it’s likely to be temporary.
Sure, there are times that you just need to vent and get things off your chest but whoever you go to must be someone of sound reasoning and mind.
Say no to people who unfailingly reaffirm your shitty feelings, to people who are not able to gently correct you, to people who mollycoddle you into believing you’re always right, to people who agree with everything you say, to people who do not have a healthy positive outlook on life. Those people have a greater influence on your life than you know and faith comes by hearing, so the more you hear the wrong type of things, the more you believe in it, make sense?
To put it simply, in times of stress and frustration, do not go to the constantly stressed and frustrated.
P.s Have a great week ahead!
I’d be lying if I said I haven’t missed blogging sorely, I definitely have! I didn’t plan on posting today but I was challenged yesterday and a little insulted, when someone questioned my commitment to blogging.
How frigg’n dare they?!
I do however think my absence warrants an explanation. I have for the past 5 weeks been revamping my website, and it’s taken longer than expected, as these things usually do. I have spent it going back and forth with my ‘web guy’, different hosts and it’s been a bit of a palaver. However, things are finally on the move and I hope to back to normal by the end of this week, so expect new things…Yay!
So as a big middle finger I mean proof, that I am not a slacker and you guys do deserve better, here’s my little tidbit for today.
I’m about to get a little shouty, a little passionate, a little brash because I feel so strongly about this: ALL relationships require EFFECTIVE communication in order for it to be healthy and functional.
This idea that it’s just “supposed” to work or they should just “get it” is bullsh*t and here’s why.
I was speaking to a friend a while back and I asked her about a good friend of hers. I noticed that they had barely spoken much in the last couple of months and they used to speak every day. She began to tell me about what’s happened and why she has all of a sudden distanced herself. I asked her, “have you told her how you feel?”, her response “No”.
I looked at her like she had an extra head. So you are not speaking to her, for reasons she is unaware of? My friend stated “I would not have done that, she should just know!”. What?!
Now don’t get me wrong, she is entitled to her feelings and reasons, but my issue is when you have failed to communicate it to the other party.
There are so many things wrong with this thinking. You and the other person are not the same; you do not share the exact same experiences, are not from the exact same background, do not behave exactly the same, do not have the exact same thinking or perspective, how can you expect this person to “get it” all the time, every time? Not even twins can get it right all the time.
We can look at the same object and have completely different opinions of it, based on things already mentioned, and that’s perfectly fine. It’s not one size fits all, nor is there a standard or rule book that everyone follows.
We need to accept that we are made differently and sometimes, we do need to talk in order to learn and grow.
I get it wrong all the time, but guess what? If you don’t tell me, I’ll never know or learn and I most certainly won’t just “get it”.
We as humans don’t have a peak, where we become all powerful, all knowing, even when we are old and grey, there are still things we can learn.
I have encountered it so many times in my relationships and others, how a little communication can make the world of difference in enhancing and fortifying it.
If you tell your friend in this scenario, that you are not happy about a particular outcome and you do so with the aim of finding a resolve and NOT attacking them, and they choose to respond negatively, then so be it, “Que Sera Sera”…BUT, if they respond positively, how much better will you feel? If they value you, you’ll both find a way to compromise, it’s that simple.
I had an experience just yesterday, where a friend and I, who I have known for decades, had a misunderstanding, one that quite possibly could have caused a permanent rift between us. It took us 5 minutes to clear the air. 5 minutes of us expressing ourselves in a manner that was respectful and ultimately came from a good place to resolve the issue. 5 minutes was all it took to clear up animosity that had existed for over a year. 5 minutes.
These disparities don’t always have to mean the end of the world, it can be used as a bridge to get closer, not further way.
Too often good relationships break down because of poor and ineffective communication, and 8/10 times it could have been avoided with simple, clear, and respectful communication.
Don’t deprive yourself of a good thing, be bold enough to simply talk it out.
Ps I used lots of capitals ugh. #sorrynotsorry 😛
Pps Ill be moving over to WordPress.org soon, don’t ask…
Sometimes the people you know, change, and that’s perfectly okay.
I had a situation at work where I “thought” I was building a good working relationship with someone and then I found out she was intentionally trying to undermine my capabilities to another colleague. I. Was. Livid.
It wouldn’t have mattered if it was someone who wasn’t in close proximity, people talk, people will always talk, but to find out it was someone I was “pally pally” with, stung. I wanted to take back every ounce of my genuine care, consideration, niceness and effort. Of course I can’t do that now, it’s too late, damn it!
I had a neighbour, an older woman, who was lovely to me and my family for 14 years. She would always and I mean always gift my family with home cooked meals, biscuits, sweets, apples from her garden, you name it she provided it. We had supported each other in many different ways over the years. She and my late grandma were even good friends.
And then, all of sudden, she stopped communicating with us, stopped coming by, was curt and the usual friendliness that we were used to was no longer there.
I made a couple of attempts to see how she was doing and enquire if everything is okay and she would respond with plain answers without looking me in the eye. To say I was perplexed is an understatement.
I had someone who I believed to be a good friend, who purposely excluded me from being privy to major life changes, that Sue, Bob, Jim, Mary, basically *randoms all knew about…erm what?-_-
All of which was strange, abrupt and unsettling.
Things like this can leave you confused, upset, questioning your actions and theirs, yet you’d be no closer to understanding what the hell happened.
It’s surprising and it’s hurtful, but it happens and there is no need to blame yourself. How they behave is entirely on them, you cannot assume responsibility for it, you can only be responsible for yourself and how you conduct yourself.
Why don’t you simply ask them what’s wrong, you say? There’s this thing called denial. You can ask till your purple in the face and get nothing. They’re not comfortable in revealing what’s upset them so they say nothing or it may be that they have issues completely unrelated to you, you just happen to be on the receiving end.
How do you conduct yourself in these situations? As you always have, with a little more caution. The best thing is to redirect that focus onto yourself and the other people you have in your life. Remove yourself from the people and situations that no longer serve you. Give these people the space to just be, don’t get mad, retaliate or harbour ill feelings, instead wish them well.
I have encountered many of these types of situations and I opt for the high road. I don’t act out, I don’t behave like I have horns and if I do, I soon come to my senses and remedy it. I continue to be a good person and not allow their actions to change my character. If you do this, the testament is they usually come back, apologetic, different and willing to be better. I can personally vouch for this.
Life is way too short to deal with BS of any kind from anyone.
*Randoms is British slang for a nobody, an irrelevant being, stragglers. You get my drift…