Tag Archives: friendships

Say No to Yes People

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Posted by in Experiences, Less Talk, More Action, Thoughts in motion, Uncategorized

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I was rereading my last post and thinking about the kind of people I have around me.  Although I love them dearly, I noticed that there are some that will feed into my plight rather than snap me out of it and that is dangerous.

For example, you’ve had a bad day and you call your friend to moan. What then followed were exchanges of experiences and a reinforcement of how ‘right’ you are to feel crap. When you get off the call, do you feel better? Typically no and if you do, it’s likely to be temporary.

Sure, there are times that you just need to vent and get things off your chest but whoever you go to must be someone of sound reasoning and mind.

Say no to people who unfailingly reaffirm your shitty feelings, to people who are not able to gently correct you, to people who mollycoddle you into believing you’re always right, to people who agree with everything you say, to people who do not have a healthy positive outlook on life. Those people have a greater influence on your life than you know and faith comes by hearing, so the more you hear the wrong type of things, the more you believe in it, make sense?

To put it simply, in times of stress and frustration, do not go to the constantly stressed and frustrated.

Xo

P.s Have a great week ahead!

Relationships matter, Friendships matter, All liv…Sike!

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I’d be lying if I said I haven’t missed blogging sorely, I definitely have! I didn’t plan on posting today but I was challenged yesterday and a little insulted, when someone questioned my commitment to blogging.

How frigg’n dare they?!

I do however think my absence warrants an explanation. I have for the past 5 weeks been revamping my website, and it’s taken longer than expected, as these things usually do. I have spent it going back and forth with my ‘web guy’, different hosts and it’s been a bit of a palaver. However, things are finally on the move and I hope to back to normal by the end of this week, so expect new things…Yay!

So as a big middle finger I mean proof, that I am not a slacker and you guys do deserve better, here’s my little tidbit for today.

I’m about to get a little shouty, a little passionate, a little brash because I feel so strongly about this: ALL relationships require EFFECTIVE communication in order for it to be healthy and functional.

This idea that it’s just “supposed” to work or they should just “get it” is bullsh*t and here’s why.

I was speaking to a friend a while back and I asked her about a good friend of hers. I noticed that they had barely spoken much in the last couple of months and they used to speak every day. She began to tell me about what’s happened and why she has all of a sudden distanced herself. I asked her, “have you told her how you feel?”, her response “No”.

I looked at her like she had an extra head. So you are not speaking to her, for reasons she is unaware of? My friend stated “I would not have done that, she should just know!”. What?!

Now don’t get me wrong, she is entitled to her feelings and reasons, but my issue is when you have failed to communicate it to the other party.

There are so many things wrong with this thinking. You and the other person are not the same; you do not share the exact same experiences, are not from the exact same background, do not behave exactly the same, do not have the exact same thinking or perspective, how can you expect this person to “get it” all the time, every time? Not even twins can get it right all the time.

We can look at the same object and have completely different opinions of it, based on things already mentioned, and that’s perfectly fine. It’s not one size fits all, nor is there a standard or rule book that everyone follows.

We need to accept that we are made differently and sometimes, we do need to talk in order to learn and grow.

I get it wrong all the time, but guess what? If you don’t tell me, I’ll never know or learn and I most certainly won’t just “get it”.

We as humans don’t have a peak, where we become all powerful, all knowing, even when we are old and grey, there are still things we can learn.

I have encountered it so many times in my relationships and others, how a little communication can make the world of difference in enhancing and fortifying it.

If you tell your friend in this scenario, that you are not happy about a particular outcome and you do so with the aim of finding a resolve and NOT attacking them, and they choose to respond negatively, then so be it, “Que Sera Sera”…BUT, if they respond positively, how much better will you feel? If they value you, you’ll both find a way to compromise, it’s that simple.

I had an experience just yesterday, where a friend and I, who I have known for decades, had a misunderstanding, one that quite possibly could have caused a permanent rift between us. It took us 5 minutes to clear the air. 5 minutes of us expressing ourselves in a manner that was respectful and ultimately came from a good place to resolve the issue. 5 minutes was all it took to clear up animosity that had existed for over a year. 5 minutes.

These disparities don’t always have to mean the end of the world, it can be used as a bridge to get closer, not further way.

Too often good relationships break down because of poor and ineffective communication, and 8/10 times it could have been avoided with simple, clear, and respectful communication.

Don’t deprive yourself of a good thing, be bold enough to simply talk it out.

XO

Ps I used lots of capitals ugh. #sorrynotsorry 😛

Pps Ill be moving over to WordPress.org soon, don’t ask…

People change and that’s okay.

03 Wednesday Aug 2016

Posted by in Experiences, Life, More Action, relationships, Uncategorized

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Sometimes the people you know, change, and that’s perfectly okay.

I had a situation at work where I “thought” I was building a good working relationship with someone and then I found out she was intentionally trying to undermine my capabilities to another colleague. I. Was. Livid.

It wouldn’t have mattered if it was someone who wasn’t in close proximity, people talk, people will always talk, but to find out it was someone I was “pally pally” with, stung. I wanted to take back every ounce of my genuine care, consideration, niceness and effort. Of course I can’t do that now, it’s too late, damn it!

I had a neighbour, an older woman, who was lovely to me and my family for 14 years. She would always and I mean always gift my family with home cooked meals, biscuits, sweets, apples from her garden, you name it she provided it. We had supported each other in many different ways over the years. She and my late grandma were even good friends.
And then, all of sudden, she stopped communicating with us, stopped coming by, was curt and the usual friendliness that we were used to was no longer there.
I made a couple of attempts to see how she was doing and enquire if everything is okay and she would respond with plain answers without looking me in the eye. To say I was perplexed is an understatement.

I had someone who I believed to be a good friend, who purposely excluded me from being privy to major life changes, that Sue, Bob, Jim, Mary, basically *randoms all knew about…erm what?-_-

All of which was strange, abrupt and unsettling.

Things like this can leave you confused, upset, questioning your actions and theirs, yet you’d be no closer to understanding what the hell happened.

It’s surprising and it’s hurtful, but it happens and there is no need to blame yourself. How they behave is entirely on them, you cannot assume responsibility for it, you can only be responsible for yourself and how you conduct yourself.

Why don’t you simply ask them what’s wrong, you say? There’s this thing called denial. You can ask till your purple in the face and get nothing. They’re not comfortable in revealing what’s upset them so they say nothing or it may be that they have issues completely unrelated to you, you just happen to be on the receiving end.

How do you conduct yourself in these situations? As you always have, with a little more caution. The best thing is to redirect that focus onto yourself and the other people you have in your life. Remove yourself from the people and situations that no longer serve you. Give these people the space to just be, don’t get mad, retaliate or harbour ill feelings, instead wish them well.

I have encountered many of these types of situations and I opt for the high road. I don’t act out, I don’t behave like I have horns and if I do, I soon come to my senses and remedy it. I continue to be a good person and not allow their actions to change my character. If you do this, the testament is they usually come back, apologetic, different and willing to be better. I can personally vouch for this.

Life is way too short to deal with BS of any kind from anyone.

XO

*Randoms is British slang for a nobody, an irrelevant being, stragglers. You get my drift…

 

Sometimes the devil… is you.

20 Wednesday Jul 2016

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Strong words huh? Well it was intentional.

Whatever your religious background,(unless you’re a Satanist :s) I think most of us would agree that the devil is seen as destructive. 

You’re probably scrunching up your face right now, and I need you to just bear with me for a few more moments.

It is about responsibility and actions. It’s easy to blame someone else for your plights, without acknowledging the part you played in being destructive. 

Some people perpetually live in a place of life is not fair, it will never happen to me, woe is me and so on, not realizing the energy they have contributed in created those unfavourable set of circumstances or outcome.

For example, you are fired from your job. Typically, you might deem yourself to be the righteous one, the one that has been wronged, the one who hasn’t done anything to deserve such treatment and the likelihood is, that’s the story you will sell to anyone who cares to listen.

Let’s look at the actual circumstances, you were consistently late, had a nonchalant attitude to work, didn’t interact well with your colleagues, produced satisfactory work and made more than a few gross and costly mistakes during the course of your employment. From the business point of view, you were in fact, not good for business and consequently they chose to terminate your contract.  

Are they wrong for doing so? Or were your actions the deciding factor?

Okay that might not apply to you, let’s look at something else, accommodation. You never pay your rent on time or in full and have repeatedly kept up that practice for a year now. The landlord now wants you out of their property immediately. You begin to cry wolf and how unfortunate you are, yet you failed to uphold your commitment to pay rent in full every month for the past 12 months. In your case it wasn’t that you did not have the funds,you’d just rather spend it elsewhere on othings that are not easily quantifiable.

Is the landlord now to blame for the action they have decided to take going forward?

Maybe you’re a student and you were given coursework to hand in by a set date. You missed the deadline but the teacher used their discretion to allow you to submit your work. You finally receive your grade and you’re not happy with it and consider raising this with your teacher. What did happen was that you you didn’t proof read your work or check punctuation, nor did you spend enough time doing the research required to generate a high quality of work, you then spent the last couple of days trying to scramble a piece of  work together and submit it.

Was the teacher being unfair to you or was it that you didn’t do the work required in order to pass well?

It’s your birthday and you’d like to celebrate it with some friends. The day comes and only a couple of them turn up. You begin to feel sad, unloved and unappreciated. What you failed to realise is that you had been quite mean to some of them over the past few months. You had also made very little effort to check in on them and support them as they had done you. 

Is it a surprise they felt no desire to show up and celebrate with you?

The demise in some cases is by our own doing and until we take full responsibility for that, we will continue to have the same experiences over and over again

My mother would always say to me as you make your bed, so you lie it.

Take the time out today to do some introspection. Examine whether there were things you could have done better or can do better, then make a commitment to correct and improve those areas of your life. 

XO

Relationships: You need to cut it

15 Wednesday Jun 2016

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Relationships, friendships, situationships, familyships = Work

When you’re single you think, wouldn’t it be great to be in a relationship? And when you’re in a relationship, being single sounds like a wonderful idea- The grass always seems greener on the other side.

The truth is every type of relationship requires consistency, effort, and most certainly compromise. It’s work, the grass is greener where you nurture it.

People have the impression that relationships (all forms) are supposed to be easy, fun, like they appear in the movies. When it doesn’t fit that idealistic picture, then the answer is to cut them out.

The attitude that there’s plenty more fish in the sea in this society is very much rampant and although that statement might be true, the focus should always be on quality not quantity. Quality and edifying relationships are hard to come by and when you have them, they should be valued and respected accordingly, rather than disposed of.

I often see on social media declarations like, ‘I’ll cut that person off’ or ‘I have no qualms cutting people off’ as if it’s an accomplishment *Slow claps*. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t behave like this when I was younger, I was ruthless albeit justified in some cases by very humble opinion. Over time I learnt the value of nourishing relationships, which includes telling people the hard truth (and also hearing it) and making the effort to make it work.

Was and is it easy? Heck no. Many times I want to be stubborn and hold on to my pride for dear life, because temporarily that will make me feel better. In the long run you will suffer.

You cannot jump from friend to friend, relationship to relationship and the like, just because you don’t like something they did it or said. You will find that whomever you are with and wherever you go, the problem remains. Shirking your issues with others won’t make them disappear.

In order to have the kind of loving, nurturing, healthy relationships that you desire, you must take responsibility and approach it with a level of maturity that sometimes, may not be present in others.

If it means something to you, then treat it that way, if it is no longer worth it to you, have the decency to respectfully leave it peace and not in pieces.

XO

Boy meets Girl or maybe not…You decide.

22 Tuesday Jul 2014

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Boy meets Girl or maybe not…You decide.

What happened to the good ol’ days where boy meets girl, they fall in love, get married have babies, grow old together and eventually depart this earth? Of course this isn’t everyone’s ideal, but follow me with this thought for a minute.

It seems as though this type of structure is becoming a rarity to say the least. Having long-lasting and healthy relationships is no longer held as being desirable.
The young generation’s focus is about getting a man to buy them things in order to keep up appearances and be objectified, which undoubtedly comes at a price. Additionally, we have the men vying for women’s attention using various antics and materialistic things to entice them without any real thought in having more substance. Indubitably, this is not all men and women however, the aforementioned tend to be the ones gaining the attention and having their irresponsible voices heard, whilst those that edify one’s life for the better are regularly ignored.
I guess it’s because bad news spreads like wild fire and good news trickles along. Just take a look at the programmes on TV or the headlines that make the news, you don’t exactly tune in to be uplifted but I digress.

People often complain about the lack of prospective mates and the scarcity of good people, I don’t believe this to be true. I believe the onus is on the individual to alter their line of thought, perspective and action in order to gravitate towards what they want. How you think will affect how you see things and ultimately will determine how you act.

Now my initial intention for this post was to highlight what I believed we are doing wrong, the causes, social media, celebrities’ et al but I’ve decided against that and would like to give ten tips on meeting new people in its place.

So let’s take it back to basics and strip off all the extras. You don’t have to adopt these methods but each one can and will make a difference if applied.

1. Smile. I promise you, your face won’t break (obviously don’t smile like a Cheshire cat as someone might think you need special help and you’ll surely attract unwanted attention especially if you are in London, we can be a miserable set of people at times), nonetheless, I do advise you to try it. Recount a time a stranger smiled at you for no apparent reason, I’m hoping it made you feel good. This simple act can instantly affect your mood positively, it’s like yawning, once you yawn, so does everyone else around you, it’s contagious. People tend to mirror your actions so be mindful of what you do. If you don’t fancy smiling then relax your face, you may not realise it but a lot of people keep tension in their face because they are consumed with worry and other thoughts. Do this exercise wherever you are right now, repeat in your mind to “relax your face” say this a few times and as you do this, gently massage your face and you’ll notice a difference. Worry lines don’t just appear, I’m just saying.

2. Be polite to the people you come across. It never hurts to be nice even if the recipient is not. How you react is your business how they respond is theirs.

3. Have a good attitude. A good attitude goes a mighty long way and you will inadvertently attract good fortune. It is very easy to have a bad attitude with the stresses of life and everyone feeling so “entitled” but whenever you are tempted to do so, take a moment , readjust your attitude and respond differently. Needless to say the results can be highly rewarding. I have always thought why should someone’s bad behaviour dictate how I behave?

4. Be open to meeting different people from all walks of life. Ever met someone who you initially didn’t think much of at first but later on turned out to be an amazing person? I have and I can say it would have been a crying shame to have missed out on knowing someone like that. Don’t limit yourself based on your past experience.

5. Get out of your comfort zone. If you continue to go to same type of places, you can be rest assured that you will continue to meet the same type of people, period. Change is good! If it feels uncomfortable then it might just be what you need.

6. PUT THE PHONE DOWN. Back away from the gadgets and engage in conversation with others and by others I mean human beings, you know the ones that look like you, not the ones that have an lcd screen with buttons just below it. This is a very important one because a large amount of us suffer from this disease and end up missing out on creating priceless moments because we are fixated with our devices. There is nothing like interacting with someone, having eye contact, feeding off their energy, laughing, learning, touching and generally being able to connect in a way that a device cannot provide. There are so many incredible people out there, don’t be your own stumbling block.

7. Put aside your ideas of what you think your perfect man, woman or friend should look or be like. That would be your very first mistake as good things or in this case good people do not come in packages suited to you. Sorry to disappoint you but that’s just not how it works. Someone might look good but be as rotten as spoilt milk inside, yuk! No thanks. I have met many “attractive” people who are hollow-Don’t buy into looks as appearances can be bought if you know what I mean…

There are billions of people on this earth why in the world would you limit yourself in thinking that s/he should look like a b c? Don’t cheat yourself out of an opportunity of a life time with such ideas.

8. Take someone at face value. Sometimes their past or reputation precedes them. Ok this might be a tad confusing in relation to number seven but this is what I mean…sometimes you meet someone you’ve already met, that is, you’ve heard about them and their past. Let’s face it, we have all been deterred off someone and formed an opinion on them without even saying “Hello”. It isn’t a good way to be but it happens, equally it should be noted that people have the capacity to change, so grant them the benefit of the doubt, you might just be pleasantly surprised.

9. Be approachable. I suggest you get your friends to help you with this part. Ask from those close to you but only the ones that will be honest and enquire whether there is something you give off that you are not aware of. I’m glad my friends did this to me years ago, my goodness I was unapproachable and rude, it wasn’t easy to hear but it was what was best. Fortunately, those people gave me a chance and got to find out how fabulous I am haha! You may THINK you are being a particular way but in reality, it’s having the undesired opposite effect and this sole reason could be why you are not able to attract the right kind of people. I remember a former manager, who is a good friend of mine now, told me in my first interview how he didn’t initially give me the job because I came across as unfriendly and rude and there I was, thinking I was being the absolute professional! Laugh. Out. Loud. It’s one thing to intentionally do something but to create something you are unaware of is just painful ugh.

10. Last but not least, have fun! Let your guard down and be authentic, not everyone you meet wants to get into your bed or use you for what you have. Relax and enjoy yourself, people take dating these days as an interview rather than allowing things to occur naturally. Let it breathe and relish in what happens next.

And ladies, if a man approaches you, don’t be horrible and shoo him away like dirt on your shoe, just politely turn him down, it is not easy for them. You’ve experienced rejection before, remember that boy you had a crush on in primary school who you’d always try and grab in kiss chase but he ran like Usain Bolt whenever you came near him? Yeah…me neither, but you understand where I am coming from, it’s not a nice feeling, so empathise.

Men, show the lady in question something worth getting to know because I’ll be honest there isn’t much a lady has not heard from a man before, whether its you’re beautiful to I want you to have my kids :s. Oh and always be honest, believe it or not women value honesty and if you’re not she’ll find out anyway, we always do.
Ok I lied, I have one more tip for you if you meet a friend or potential “friend” take the time to learn about the person and I don’t mean do a background check, learn about them first hand. Their little ticks, mannerisms, take an actual interest in their lives, engage in activities that provide you with an opportunity to learn more about each other’s character.It could be paintballing, a day trip somewhere, hiking or visiting a museum. Do things out of the norm, it would serve as a great starting point for the future plus you get to make great memories, hopefully.

Like Maya says and I paraphrase if you know better, you do better.
Signed LBC

So much for this post being short grrrr!