Tag Archives: growth

It’s Not You, It’s Me.

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Whenever we take up issue with something or someone else, it is usually an indication of a greater issue that we have going on internally. For example, if you’re jealous of someone else’s looks or life, what that might be saying is that you have low self-esteem and do not see yourself as valuable. There may already be a feeling of inadequacy in existence, which seeing another person further aggravates.  

I recently had a situation where I felt like someone wasn’t as attentive as I would have liked. I worked myself up for days going over the details, but I knew that the issue didn’t really lie with them, it was me. I didn’t feel good enough, I didn’t have great confidence in myself, I didn’t believe I was worthy. During that period I acknowledged that I had some work to do on myself. And no it’s not easy nor does it happen overnight.

You see the problem isn’t always about the other person and what they did, in many instances it’s about us and how we truly feel about ourselves. This is part of the reason why it’s so important to focus on ourselves, because when we shift it onto something or someone else to avoid dealing with the problem, we do ourselves and the people around us a disservice. It’s a disservice because we’re not able to tap into the crux of what is happening, which ultimately shapes our world and the experiences we have. We cannot live at or give our best if we do this. If we don’t address it internally, we can never change it externally. 

So the next time someone’s actions or presence evokes a negative reaction or feeling in you, think about what it is really saying about you, is there something for you to work on? And if so don’t be afraid of it. Broach it with care and take your time, but whatever you do, do not ignore it. 

 Xo

3 P’s: Perfectionism, Procrastination, Paralysis

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I planned to write on something completely different, but after a brief conversation with an old friend in which she sent me an article, I thought maybe this article would be useful to others like me.

The 3 P’s: Perfectionism, Procrastination, Paralysis.

If you’re affected by one P, you’ll be affected by two and likely the third P too. Works like a pendulum going back and forth. If you do suffer from any of the above, then you understand how truly crippling this can be for your any area of your life.

Reading the article that I am about to share was like having a mirror to look into and you can only improve upon what you know. I hope it’s insightful.

“Do you set your standards high, but always feel like you’ve failed? Learn about the 3 “P’s” and end the vicious cycle that keeps you stuck and ineffective.

THE VICIOUS CYCLE

Perfectionism, procrastination, and paralysis – one often leads to the next, in a vicious cycle, especially on large, long-term projects with no clear deadlines. Let’s look at each part of this cycle, and explore some concrete steps that you can take to disrupt the cycle.

PERFECTIONISM

Although most of my coaching clients don’t contact me until they are suffering from the second or third “P,” I will start with the first, one: perfectionism. This trait can be defined as striving towards impossibly high goals. The perfectionist is caught in a trap – he or she can never be good enough. Usually a perfectionist engages in a rigid, black or white kind of thinking about his own performance – if it isn’t perfect, it’s horrible.

I see perfectionism as existing on one end of a continuum. Up to a certain point, aiming high can help you become successful. Most academics who have made it to graduate school have set high standards for themselves and have met those high standards. There is nothing wrong with pushing yourself to attain excellence. It only becomes a problem when the goal is always set beyond your reach.

The Mediocre Perfectionist?

Ironically, the perfectionist often achieves a product that is far less than perfect. In contrast, those who aim at more realistic goals can outperform the perfectionist. How could that be? The procrastination and paralysis that result from overly high standards causes the perfectionist to wait until it’s too late, then rush to do something; anything. The more relaxed realist, in the meantime, is able to put an effort in earlier, over a more prolonged period of time, with more chance to let time and subsequent editing improve the final product…”

You can read the rest here

Xo

 

Make Room

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I have an iPhone and it feels like every few seconds it tells me ‘Storage almost full’. Seeing this message has become the absolute bane of my life. I then start the process of looking for things to delete in order to create space and what I usually find tends to surprise me. ‘How did this get there?, erm this is useless, I’d never use this again, I have no interest in that, ergh delete’ are the thoughts I have when doing this.

It’s amazing how quickly things take form and become staples in our lives without us even realising it.

It’s crucial that we declutter on a regular basis so that we can make room for the things we really want and need in our lives now. This could be physically in terms of our possessions or mentally in respect of the way we think that no longer serves us and has now unknowingly become a hindrance or the time we afford others, it could be anything. Unfortunately we don’t have a message that pops up to tell us when we’re reaching our capacity and need to offload, but there are other tell tale signs that we can use to our advantage.

Lighten your load by decluttering and make room for what you want.

Xo

To Find Your Peace, Face Your Beast

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To find your peace, you must face your beast.

Nothing good comes out of hiding. You may find temporary relief in avoiding the issue or suppressing the pain but all you will have done is put it on hold. When we do this, we set ourselves up for a huge explosion that we’re seldom prepared for. As my friend and I will say, you have to unpack your load.

To unpack (by our definition) means to delve into discovering the root cause of your issues and facing it head on. Is it easy? No. Sometimes you discover it’s not what you thought it was about and other times it’s related to previous experiences that you never quite dealt with.

Someone did something recently that I took great offense to. It wasn’t just the low level of regard and respect that they showed, it was how their actions triggered insecurities. I now had to unpack and work through it otherwise it’d definitely affect my day to day but ultimately rob me of my peace of mind. This situation signaled to me that I still had some work to do on myself in that area and that I am not quite ‘there’ yet.

Too often when something threatens to upset our psyche, we go to our vice to quickly appease ourselves. We find a big enough distraction to shift our focus and attempt to diminish what is brewing. We’re too afraid to face what is looming ahead, so quick lets bury ourselves in something. The effects of doing this tend to last much longer than if we were to deal with the problem. For example, this terrible saying of ‘The best way to get over a man is to get under a new one’. What you’re actually doing is adding onto your things to unpack.

Are we able to still move forward in life without dealing with the issue? Absolutely, it’s called denial and suppression. The thing with doing that however is that it can show up in other areas of your life in the most obscure way. It’s not always detectable but it’s always there.

With most things, you have to actively work for it and peace is no different. Whether you meditate on it or take action, it will require you to make the efforts to help yourself.

So do yourself a favour, the next time something threatens your stability, don’t shy away from it, take some time out to figure out what it is telling you about yourself and work on and through it.

It won’t happen over night but it will happen over time.

Peace xo

“New Year, New Me” Stop Lying!

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First of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR! However you spent it, I hope it was good for you.

At the start of the year, we’re so strongly convicted of all the things we’re going to do and how this time it’ll be different (queue in the ‘This is my year’ warriors). How Sway? You won’t push yourself, but somehow it’ll be different, you won’t change your habits, but somehow it’ll be different, you won’t commit to anything, but somehow it’ll be different, you won’t alter your thinking, but somehow it’ll be different. Do you and I a favour and stop being deceitful.

The reality is, changing and improving the quality of your life is A LOT of hard consistent work and the results of it may not materialise until months and years later, so the question is, how bad do you want it and can you go the distance?

The unrealistic expectations that we sometimes hold of ourselves cause us to repeatedly fall short of our goals (myself included). We have it in our minds that it’ll be easy to accomplish and when faced the actuality of it, opt out and resign to a life of mediocrity.

With anything worth having, you will have to put the work in, not only in attaining it but to maintain it also. Whether it’s money, career, relationships, family, if it is to be successful, you will have to constantly work for/at it.

What does the work look like in real life? Time, effort, patience, sacrifice, discipline, self-control, consistency, commitment, developing, sweat, tears, failure, restarting, stress, balance, challenge, criticism, the list is endless. And yes, looking at that list it’s very easy to see why anyone would say ‘It’s not for me bro’, but if you want it, it’s a package deal- You can’t pick and choose the bits you want.

In my experience, when trying to change anything, the idea is to focus your energy on one thing. Full focus and attention on one thing is bound to produce greater results at a rapid rate than giving your divided attention to many things. The latter is also a sure fire way to not only be ineffective but stagnant. You will feel like you’re working but the reality is you’re working on too many of the wrong things at the same time and going nowhere fast.

Now I’m not advocating that you abandon everything else, simply that you devote most of your efforts to accomplishing one thing before diversifying. Become skilled at one thing and that will give you the necessary tools to increase your success rate in other areas of your life. Continue as you are? Well you already know what that looks like.

Xo

‘If It Doesn’t Challenge You, It Won’t Change You’

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I’d be the first to say I like an easy life. Stress and drama are not my kindred and so far as is possible I avoid it, but sometimes you simply can’t, sometimes its necessary.

I saw the above title on Instagram yesterday and all the ways this statement applies came flooding through my mind; the gym, my career, my relationships.

When hardship comes, we often look for the quickest way to stop it, instead of looking at how this can shape us to be better. We don’t want to struggle or to feel pain, but truth be told whether we like it or not it’ll come, the real test is in how we deal with it.

The challenges that come our way are an opportunity to become better and refine our character, however this will not be possible if every time something threatens our comfort we run or shut down.

Challenge is an integral part of anyone’s development, learn to embrace it and make it work for you not against you. When next it crosses your path, refuse to run or shut down, ask yourself ‘How can this make me better?’

Xo

This is 30!

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I wish I could give you a play by play of everything that has been happening over the past few weeks but we’d be here forever. A few words to describe it would be a rollercoaster of emotions, testing and exciting.

At times it felt like a line from Mary Mary’s Shackles ‘everything that could go wrong, all went wrong at one time’. I couldn’t catch a break. For every disappointment, I steamrolled my way forward, refusing to stop, just dusting myself off and keeping it pushing. Of course there is only so long you can continue on that path until it all falls down, and that came the day before my birthday, a few hours before my dinner party. My emotions boiled over and momentarily a dam broke. Fortunately, I didn’t have the capacity to wallow in it because I had a dinner to be at, and not just any dinner at that, MY 30th birthday dinner.

The dinner was amazing! I am so fortunate to have had great people to help organise, plan and oversee the proceedings of the day as I could not have done it without them. It’s a huge blessing to also have friends and family that would show up and I’m incredibly grateful.

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What do I think so far about being 30? It’s been 3.5 days and its too soon to have a fully formed answer to this, but so far, it feels like a coming into something new. I have renewed energy to appreciate the things that I have and to make even better what I have been given. Ironically,  I also feel like the baby of the next decade (lol) which is great and I don’t feel so “old”.

I’m excited about what’s next and looking forward to the year ahead. I want to be able to say this time next year “What a difference a year makes” in the most wonderful way.

What do you want to say this time next year?

Xo

 

 

 

20 Things to Know in Your 20’s – Part 2

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Continuing on from my last post on Sunday, here are the next 10 things I have learnt in my 20’s:

  1. Not everyone’s opinion matters, in fact yours is the most important. And if yours is self-depreciating then you need to remedy that immediately effectively.
  2. Heartbreak hurts like a bitch but one day you will be better. I was in love with someone for years and I honestly thought my little heart will never mend. It did. Now, I look back and laugh (cackle) at how dramatic that period of my life was. It was also one of the biggest teachers I have ever had
  3. Don’t be okay with the okey doke. If you believe you can have different, then go for it irrespective of what people say or the environment you are in. Many Greats started at the very bottom
  4. For my ladies, you can say no to sex if you don’t want to. Men, you don’t have to sleep with a girl, you control your membrane. Society might encourage that behaviour but for us all it is okay to say no, not today. The opposite is also okay too. But do so with caution and sense
  5. Let go. It requires way too much to hold on
  6. Cut and or reduce communication with those that do not add to your life. Honestly, the power is in your hands. You absolutely have a say in who should be in your life and who shouldn’t. It takes one person to ruin your life, don’t let that happen on your watch
  7. Travel. If it’s your thing and even if it’s not, a few visits to new places won’t hurt you, it’ll enrich you
  8. Work on your discipline. To live the life you want will require sacrifice and discipline. Otherwise years will go by and nothing in your life would have changed.
  9. Think carefully about what you want your future to look like and start to work on it now.
  10. People will let you down, repeatedly and you’ll do the same to others. Its life, nobody is perfect, don’t beat yourself up about it (I’m working on this as we speak), just do better

I hope you find some of the 10 tips useful, what are your tips?

Xo

Finishing Strong

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Typically around this time of the year we start to reflect on all that we’ve done. We look at what’ve achieved and what we haven’t.

We examine closely the things we didn’t get to do and resign to saying ‘2018’ is my year. Pray tell, how will 2018 be any different if you’re not doing anything different? You still think the same, speak the same, act the same, have the same conversations, do the same things and somehow it’ll be…different?

I want you to remember that 2017 isn’t over yet and there is so much we can still do in creating the life we want to live.

Now I don’t have all the answers but I do know a little something that might help. I learnt something recently from my mentor that has helped shape what I do now and it’s this; the work is your habits.

What do your habits say about you and your life? The state of your life is in direct correlation to the habits you have nurtured and practice on a daily basis. For example, if you work out regularly, it’s likely to be evident in your fitness, physique and mentality. Like the saying goes the proof is the pudding.

After a long day at work, like most I just want to plop onto my bed. I don’t want to do any ‘house stuff’ least especially laundry. The clothes are on my bed and I gear up to swiftly push them to the side and curl up on my bed but I pause. What does this act do for me? 1) Fosters laziness and procrastination 2) Increases workload 3) Messy space, messy life 4) Lack of clarity…you see, that ‘little thing’ isn’t worth all that comes with it, so in most cases, I’ll sort it there and then. Everything you do, is mapping out your life.

So, as you go about your daily activities today think about this, what is what I’m about to do say about me and my life? And if you find that the answer is negative, there is your starting point for you to do something about it.

Check your habits and if you don’t like the results it produces, change your habits.

Xo

When Things Go Wrong

05 Wednesday Jul 2017

Posted by in Experiences, Less Talk, Life, More Action, Thoughts in motion

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I think there is something about speaking of things you are going to do and it ultimately going tits-up right after.

It feels like every time I speak of something I am going to do publicly, it doesn’t happen. Is there some sort of wicked force that actively works against me in that moment? If there is they need to cut that shit out.

For example, I said I would do a daily diary and that didn’t materialise in the way that I wanted (Sorry 😦 ), yet I had every intention on doing so and even made the efforts towards making this a reality but it just didn’t happen.

On the flip side, there have been many occasions where what I speak of comes to pass. It’s usually in cases where I haven’t put much thought into things or did not direct ALL my energy towards it and BOOM! Manifestation. My point? Think it, work on it, let go of the outcome.

There is also another lesson here for me to learn in how I approach things going forward, don’t speak about what you’re going to do, ever, just do it. With all things, just do it.  

So as the momentum for the 7 day diary has passed, we’re going to scrap that altogether and go with the flow. I am a firm believer in letting things be and not forcing the unnatural to happen because it just won’t. All it will cause is further frustration and the thing you want to get hot wheels and keep running from you.

When things go wrong, and you make a few attempts to fix the issue and it doesn’t work, do yourself a favour; let the chips fall where they may. Some things simply have to fall apart before they can come together again. It needs that space for whatever it is to breathe, evolve and settle, then and only then can true change take effect.

Take a deep breath and momentarily, let it be.

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Xo

P.s Maybe I’ll revisit this 7 day diary…or not lol.