Tag Archives: life

They Don’t Support Me

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First off, thank you. Thank you to everyone who has ever read, commented, shared, messaged me about my posts, I don’t think I have ever really shown gratitude but I am truly grateful!

I just came across a post of someone laminating about having fake friends, the lack of support and how much they do for others but it’s not reciprocated blah blah blah. Sorry, that’s life. We’re all guilty.

My flesh and blood till date still don’t get the name of blog/company right never mind having read any of my 100+ posts and likewise I am sure there are bunch of things I don’t show my family enough gratitude for.

We don’t always get an equal return on our investment. Could you ever come close to repaying back your mother? I think not.

It’s not your business to pay attention to those that are not interested, your duty is to pay attention to those that ARE vested in you.

For whatever reason we have been wired to focus on all the negatives. We shouldn’t, especially when we are inundated with so many positives.

So what one person didn’t show up to your birthday? There were 10 others that did. Only 5 people liked your blog post, that’s 5 more people than 0. You missed your bus to get to work, at least you have a job to go to, someone else is searching for one as we speak and has bills coming out of their crack and no immediate means to take care of them. You missed an audition, okay are there not others? No matter the circumstance, there are positives, you just have to look for them and FOCUS on that instead.

Would you believe I had a car accident over the weekend worse than the one I had a few weeks ago. Yes you read right a few weeks ago. Talk about a tough break. Was I out of sorts for a couple of days? Sure I was. But guess what? I am alive as is the other driver. It could have been so different, my last blog post could have been the last one forever.

Whatever you focus on EXPANDS. You zone in on the negatives, surprise surprise more negative things come your way. Do the opposite and the same will follow suit.

Take your mind off the things that didn’t work, the people that do not support you, the plans that failed to launch, and look for the positives in all situations.

Love on those that love on you. Show gratitude to those that are there for you and do support you . Appreciate the things you do have and you’ll see that there will be more of these things.

Shift your focus, life is much better that way.

Xo

When Things Go Wrong

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I think there is something about speaking of things you are going to do and it ultimately going tits-up right after.

It feels like every time I speak of something I am going to do publicly, it doesn’t happen. Is there some sort of wicked force that actively works against me in that moment? If there is they need to cut that shit out.

For example, I said I would do a daily diary and that didn’t materialise in the way that I wanted (Sorry 😦 ), yet I had every intention on doing so and even made the efforts towards making this a reality but it just didn’t happen.

On the flip side, there have been many occasions where what I speak of comes to pass. It’s usually in cases where I haven’t put much thought into things or did not direct ALL my energy towards it and BOOM! Manifestation. My point? Think it, work on it, let go of the outcome.

There is also another lesson here for me to learn in how I approach things going forward, don’t speak about what you’re going to do, ever, just do it. With all things, just do it.  

So as the momentum for the 7 day diary has passed, we’re going to scrap that altogether and go with the flow. I am a firm believer in letting things be and not forcing the unnatural to happen because it just won’t. All it will cause is further frustration and the thing you want to get hot wheels and keep running from you.

When things go wrong, and you make a few attempts to fix the issue and it doesn’t work, do yourself a favour; let the chips fall where they may. Some things simply have to fall apart before they can come together again. It needs that space for whatever it is to breathe, evolve and settle, then and only then can true change take effect.

Take a deep breath and momentarily, let it be.

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Xo

P.s Maybe I’ll revisit this 7 day diary…or not lol.

 

Day 3: Flights and Feelings

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You know I said I was going to the gym last night right? Well, I didn’t quite make it.

I took the selfie below and immediately after, I was struck with a very painful belly ache. It felt like someone was wringing out my stomach, hurt like a mother! I decided to forgo the gym for that night. Who knows what the belly ache was protecting me from?…

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Work today has been hectic, I’m lying, most days at work are hectic! Still, it’s not been a bad day except for me leaving work late again, which means I’ll probably be late again for my counselling session this evening.

Yup, you read right, coun-sel-ling- ses-sion. Times have changed, its not for ‘specific’ people anymore, its for everyone.

Say it with me “It’s for everyone!”.

With the right counsellor you can really make progress in certain areas in your life. What they are able to do is to get you to think, extract and create solutions whilst redirecting you to focal points in your life that need addressing. You might even consider me a counsellor of sorts (without the qualifications) in that I often provide a different perspective on things. They needn’t be seen as some taboo nor should you see yourself as broken if you have one.

In the year that I have been going, it’s helped immensely to have an unbiased ear to listen to my woes and gripes with life. If you have ever pondered on it, I say go for it! Anyway, I don’t want to dwell on this for too long, maybe I’ll share my experience at a later point.

*coughs * can I highlight that I am sharing things here that my nearest and dearest don’t know, sooo let’s keep this a secret okay? (she says whilst posting it on the world wide web, instant fail).

I’m getting off the bus and rushing there now. I’ll be back after my ‘appointment’- I prefer the word appointment, session in this context makes me feel weird. Don’t judge me I haven’t entirely made peace with all parts of counselling, bite me!

1900 hours

Today’s appointment was interesting.  My counsellor threatened me. Okay she didn’t (Ms Drama Queen Irene), she gave me an assignment that was non-negotiable, but is that not a threat?! Lol.  She has a point though, with previous assignments I generally don’t remember to do them, my mind is too busy. She informed me that if I don’t do it she has a surprise for me, pffft nice choice of words. I didn’t like the sound of that ‘surprise’ so after this I’m going to get started…tomorrow, no, Friday.

They came to check the damages to my car today for repair womp womp womp! It’s great that it’ll get fixed but the cost? 2 years no claims bonus lost, pay the excess and you just KNOW my insurance premium next year is going to be horrible! If you have any ideas how to avoid this, please, please, please let me know. However, I do intend on getting my bike license soon, maybe this would be the right time to abandon driving and get riding.

Before I go, I have to share that my baby brother went on his first holiday today and it tugged on little heart * cries *. Sure, he’s 19 but he will ALWAYS be my baby brother, forever! There’s an 11 year age gap between us so he feels more like my child as does my sister.

He doesn’t need me anymore, this indeed is a sad time 😦 .

Little Brother

Thats all, see ya and yes I will be going to the gym today.

Xo

P.s I’ll talk about the hashtag #NakedinSummer in my selfie tomorrow. It makes sense, trust me.

Day 2: Dance Fever & Gym Boyfriends.

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I’m back!

After yesterday’s post, I rushed off to a dance studio.

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I decided last week that I was going to get back to one of my first loves, dancing. I’d been meaning to do so for a while, but I couldn’t find classes that fit what I wanted to do, so I said  ‘F it, I’ll teach myself’.

To date, there’s very little that provides me with the feeling of freedom as dance and performing does…Nothing else matters, you just lose or should I say find yourself.

I literally paid for a dance studio for an hour on Friday afternoon. I did my research, found a venue and booked it.

I was excited and a tad nervous even though I was going to be in the room by myself. Ever the investigator, upon getting into the room, I squinted my eyes looking for a camera. I knew that if there was a CCTV camera I’d still be conscious and not completely myself. I didn’t find one,“Yay!”.

Let me tell you, I felt (looked) like a complete fool! LOL. I mean, I can dance in a club but when you’re looking at yourself in a mirror, you really get to see how good or bad you are. My verdict: stiff as a board, but I’m totally okay with that because it means I have lots to improve on. Hold up, I don’t have two left feet, in fact on any given day I’m pretty good, but pretty good is not what I’m after, bloody brilliant is the goal! All in all I left there feeling really rejuvenated and happy with my decision to brave it alone.

Sometimes, its good to do something just for you.

27 June 2017

It’s a very scary thing to witness someone who gave you life be so vulnerable. They’ve cared for you, loved you, disciplined you, practically done everything for you and in a blink of an eye that could all change. My mother is made of solid iron so it was definitely worrying to see her need help.

My mother is however feeling much better today. She still has to rest, but there aren’t any signs of imminent danger. Thank you God!

I’m heading to the gym shortly as I have some major body goals. I want to feel and look the best I have ever done.

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Meagan Good, Teyana Taylor and Sophia Miacova are my current motivators.

You hear it all the time from mothers about how they didn’t appreciate their bodies and if only they knew what they had then and so on. I definitely don’t want to be singing that song.

I want to be happy with that new phase in my life when it comes, knowing that I truly enjoyed myself and my body. Also, you have to be what you want to attract, so buff body it is. That’s not to say my life will stop when children arrive, it won’t, it will just be massively different.

Pre 2017 I hated the gym but needs must. Working out at home wasn’t working and as with a lot of things you have to be in the environment that cultivates the things you want, joining the gym made sense.

I actually like it more now, it makes me feel good especially on a crappy day. Oh and having ‘gym boyfriends’ helps too. Well, they’re not really my boyfriends, merely people who have some sort of ‘interest’, they want to teach me stuff *roll my eyes* everyone is an expert in the gym ha! Like last night, a guy who I’m sure is old enough to be my dad (slight-moderate exaggeration) was asking me to train with him and if we could exchange details. I politely declined. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the affections, it’s nice, but sometimes a girl would like to train in peace even if it means looking like an utter idiot because you really don’t know what the hell you’re doing! I am considering getting a personal trainer though because this lower belly fat has gattogo!

The weather today is PANTS! Talk about grim. Raining cats and dogs “booooo!”, although it’s usually the best time to sleep. I don’t like public transport on a normal day so when it’s raining, erm ew.

I’m babbling now, thats enough from me. I’ll talk about my car drama and anything good (speak it) that happens between now and tomorrow, till then Godspeed!

…And yes today started off much better than yesterday-I win!

Xo

P.s Pictures provided by the muses Instagrams  @meagangood @teyanataylor @sophiamiacova, I don’t own shit.

Let Me Live! (Day 1)

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Hi Guys!

Usually there’s a process when posting, but today isn’t one of those days. I’m writing this off the top of my dome, no editing, nada!

Do you ever feel like you can’t catch a break? As if you are doing a dance with life, taking two steps forward and five steps backwards? And every time that happens you say ‘Commmme orrrnnnnnn (South East London accent), give me a break!’ That would be me right now.

I’d be faking the funk if I said, I was unaffected and I’m thinking positive thoughts because the truth is, I’m not. Being ‘positive’ isn’t high on my priority list. Only a few moments ago did I think, ‘Right, I’m selling all my possessions and going to be mediocre AF’. But that thought lasted all of one minute, it’s not me. That’s the one good thing about my stubborn nature, I don’t relent easily.

To be honest, I am not entirely sure what the point of this post is, maybe it will reveal itself shortly…

Okay, I think that’s it. I am going to document for the next 7 days, how my week goes, with every intention of turning it around. Wish me luck! No, better still send me prayers and good intentions.

Oh, the things that started my week of badly? My mother was suddenly unwell, I had a minor but HIGHLY inconvenient car accident (No one was hurt, thankfully), and of course there is long a**, costly a** process that goes along with that, my job is stressful as hell and in between ALL of that, life is happening, ugh.

Touch base tomorrow!

Xo

P.s I promise, I will be back tomorrow, honest 🙂

Life Is Beautiful Yet Tragic

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Life is beautiful yet tragic for the same reason.

No matter what happens in our world, irrespective of how life changing it may be, life goes on.

People must get up, feed their families, go to work, see friends, finish that project, and do all the other things to sustain their lives.

It doesn’t respect persons or their wants, even when parts of the world is shook by an event, life doesn’t suddenly come to a halt, the show must go on.

You might even say it’s a juxtaposition of sorts as,

In someone’s death, elsewhere there is birth

In someone’s heartache, elsewhere there is love

In someone’s downfall, elsewhere there is victory

In someone’s poverty, elsewhere there is wealth

In someone’s breakdown, there’s a breakthrough

And we should, in some way, take solace in knowing that life will continue with or without us and that is a beautiful thing just as it is tragic.

XO

P.s It’s my 3 year blogging anniversary today, and it’s bittersweet! Thank you for staying with me for this long xoxo

So What You Fell Off?!

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You’ve been working SO hard to change something, keep something up or develop a habit and although it’s a struggle you are making progress. Suddenly, out of nowhere, you fall off. You get knocked off course and for a period of time, you consider throwing the towel in altogether.

It’s too hard, it’s not for me, it’s not worth it, I can’t deal with the shame, the guilt, the disappointment…here’s my thought: get over yourself.

We’re never going to be perfect, we’re not supposed to be, we shouldn’t even aspire to be. What we should focus on, is getting better.

So what you fell down and busted your lip? All it means is you now know what not to do. Have a moment to be in your feelings, then dust yourself off and get going again.

Your success isn’t only in achieving that goal, but in how many times you get knocked down and pick yourself up again. What you teach yourself in those times is invaluable. Resilience, tenacity, determination are things you can only develop through repeated action.

Do yourself a favour and cut yourself some slack, at least you’re doing something to change things for the better! Yes, it will not always be plain-sailing, yes, there will be many bumps in the road, yes, all hell will break loose and yet every ounce of that is necessary for your growth. Use it to your advantage, learn from it and let it propel you further.

And whenever in doubt remember this lyric by Big Sean ‘Last night I took an L but tonight I bounce back!’.

XO

P.s ‘L’ stands for loss

I’d Love You…If You Changed.

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I’m seeing someone. Things are going well enough but there have been some red flags.

I was thinking about all the things I didn’t like about their behaviour and how they would have to change this, that and the third for me to be with them- I stopped myself mid ramble.

If this person has to change the way they are so we can “be” together, then I have no business being with them whatsoever. He shouldn’t have to change himself for me at all. It’s rather cheeky; who do I think I am to request that someone change on my behalf?!

Could you imagine someone saying to you, “I need you to change your hairstyle, stop hanging around this person, wear this, do this job, speak proper English”, you’d soon tell him or her to piss right off! I know I would, why should it be any different the other way around?

I realised this was the mistake I made in my last relationship by saying, If they would just do this, or do that, and this too then it would be great. In all honesty he could never get the shit right because he was being measured by standards that only I knew all the parameters of.

We sometimes want people to fit a mould that we have created. That mould is defective because it is formed from our point of view and is what we consider to be the best way of being. By doing this we automatically set the people around us up to fail.

Take people as they are or leave them the hell alone. Stop trying to make them fit into YOUR box, its unfair and selfish (let’s get rid of the box altogether). If they choose and are willing to change for themselves, wonderful! You can you assist them in doing that, but not under any other circumstance unless its life or death.

Sure we can influence and encourage them but nag them to change? No.

They don’t have to be like you, they need to be like them. Let them live, be it good or bad, they will deal with the consequences.

We are only capable of changing ourselves no one else has that ability.

With all of that said, my spidey senses are telling me to quit this situation whilst I’m ahead because this won’t work. Ugh another bites the dust.

Xo

Shaken, Not Stirred

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30 something, broke, man less, childless, friendless, in fact everything less.

At this stage of her life, Chelle was sure she would have it all figured out, instead, she was about to buy a meal she couldn’t afford with money meant for rent.

Walking through the absolute white flat door, Chelle dropped her things and started to strip. She was letting it all hang out, the full Monty. Her roommate Emmy was not due back till tomorrow afternoon, she could do whatever she wanted without judgement, well without Emmy’s judgement.

In her birthday suit, she strutted her stuff, sat down on the couch without a second thought about hygiene and ate messily. “Que sera sera, whatever will be will be” she sang at the top of her lungs before hastily taking a swig of her bottled beer which she had opened with her teeth. For her, Thursday was the new Friday.

Chelle was different, six feet tall, cinnamon skin with dusty brown coils cascading down her neck. Most people found her intimidating yet strangely alluring. She never took notice though, she was too wrapped up in her own world that even if someone threw themselves at her, she’d merely sidestep them and carry on walking.

Men looked at her as something to be conquered, as if her presence quietened their manhood saying “I have your balls in my hands”. She had not quite recognised her own unique beauty and behaved very much like her brothers, sharp and rough around the edges. She had admirers but without them outrightly declaring their affections for her, she was completely oblivious.  For that reason and a few others, Chelle was spending another night alone.

With a bottle of barely drunk beer in her hand and a half eaten kebab, she fell asleep, mouth ajar and legs wide open, that is until she heard the rattling of keys.

Jolting out of sleep, she tried to grasp her bearings, was it Friday morning? had she missed work? where is she? where are her clothes? who is at the door? “fuck”. It was too late, he was in.

Chelle had forgotten Emmy’s boyfriend had keys to the flat and every so often he would pass by to do things upon request by Emmy.

Funny, her roommate, never quite understood the concept of manners, but would throw a complete fit when Chelle had a guest over with prior notice given. She was a raging, spoilt and untamed beast.

When Chelle initially stood up her brain said run, her body on the other hand did not quite commit to the command. She and Jamal stared at each other unsure of what to do. She stood there with her unshaven fanny, bed head and beer still in hand, frozen.

After what seemed like hours, Jamal mumbled something that sounded like an apology and turned around to give Chelle some of her dignity back. He needn’t have bothered, Chelle’s dignity had long since left her. She grabbed the kebab, picked up her phone and scurried towards her bedroom.

“Fuckkkkkkkk!” Chelle was now squirming on the floor like a slug they had poured salt on. She had stubbed her little toe on the kitchen island en route to her dungeon. She pinched her toe hoping it would somehow delay the pain or at least numb it. It didn’t.

Jamal hearing the commotion, ran towards her and Chelle shrieked “Don’t come near me!”. For a second he had forgotten that she was still butt naked and for the love of God whilst she was now cradling her foot with two hands, she did not need him looking down and seeing her womb.

“Stay where you are, I’m fine, honest” She grimaced. She wasn’t fine or being honest, far from it.  In addition to being 30 something, broke, man less, childless, friendless, everything less, she was now clothes less and embarrassed, could it get worse?

It did.

_____

I miss creative writing, I’m rusty but will definitely be doing much more of this xo

Trapped

22 Saturday Apr 2017

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You’ve been trying a ting* for a while now but it’s not quite working.

One possible reason is this: You’re living in your head!

What do I mean by that? There are certain things you say to yourself on a daily basis that contradict what you deeply want for your life. You hold incapacitating beliefs that limit your ability to make your dreams a reality.

You’ve held onto these things for so long that whatever you attempt to do is really futility at its best. You’re living small, acting small, doing enough to look like you’re doing something, all the while, side stepping doing the VERY thing that will make a massive difference to your life. Your fears and insecurities make you a spectator to the life you really want to lead, in other words, it’s bitch.

Take me for example; I believe that what I do IS valuable to someone, yet my other thought is, who the hell will listen to me? Who would even care about what I have to say? No one cares!

Unsurprisingly, there are going to be behaviours that follow these thoughts, like not speaking up, not promoting your work, being critical of yourself and so on.

But enough is enough! As my mother would say, ‘Time waits for no man’.

If you want a different experience, you have to think and do things in a way you have never done before. Say f*ck it and just do it. Not half-heartedly, not cowering, do it with your chest! There’s no other way to get around it or over it. No matter how silly or unqualified you might feel, do it anyway. It’s the only way you’re going to get closer to living the way you truly want.

It could be buying a home, speaking to that family member, setting up a business, starting YouTube, getting an agent, returning to university, sky diving, travelling to another country alone, ending that dead relationship, clearing your debt, changing careers, whatever it is, know that you can do it.

Free yourself from the things someone once told you about yourself, the things you have told yourself, the belief systems that have crippled you and begin a new, more edifying conversation, starting with believing in your-bl**dclart-self!

You can, you will, you have.

Xo

P.s Ting is a Caribbean/London slang for ‘a thing’…that was obvious right? Anyway bye.