Adulting, need I say more? If you could opt out, at least for a period of time, would you take it? This episode is about the realities of adulthood.
Are the goals and dreams you have yours? As in, do they belong to you? Were they carefully crafted in your mind, and intricately thought about by you, for you?
Are you sure?
Are YOU sure?
I saw someone get featured in a magazine and the next thought I had was ‘Oh I’d like to be a magazine’. I said it instinctively.
It was quickly followed by ‘Erm no you don’t. Why do you want to be in a magazine? How would it change your life? What would it do for you?’.
This internal conversation took place in a matter of seconds, and swiftly I threw that fickle desire in the bin before it grew legs.
Sure, it’ll be a nice to have, maybe, but when I checked in with my goals, being in a magazine wasn’t on the list, and I’m not about to shift my focus onto something different and someone else’s achievement on a whim, simply because it looked good.
Too often we collect other people’s achievements and aspirations, and make them our own and don’t even realise it.
And as we carry out the work associated with accomplishing that goal, we wonder why it’s so incredibly hard to attain, and why it’s not ‘working’ as it should. It could be because you had no business doing it in the first place.
I want my own business- do you really?
I want a huge wedding- do you really?
I want to be a billionaire- do you really?
I want this body type- do you really?
I want to be famous- do you really?
How much of what you do is done because it’s socially acceptable?
One of the beautiful things that has occurred this year is the realisation to many people of what is most important to them. People are waking up.
I have seen people move across the globe, get married on their doorstep, downsize the homes they’ve lived in for years, change careers, and just take chances they wouldn’t normally because they have come back home to themselves and are consciously doing what is right for them.
But like I said, I was just checking.
I trust that whatever you’re doing and working on, is for you, by you.
Works like a charm. Every time I openly confess my feelings about something, freedom follows. Give it a go, release your feelings and it need not be public but it must be seen by you. When you release the feelings, it no longer owns you and keeps you captive.
Back to today’s post.
It’s so easy for someone to say ‘love yourself, value yourself, have self worth’, and the rest of it, when the reality of doing that is obscure to most of us. What school can we go to to learn this exactly? Many of us do not have a clue what that means or how to even begin to do that.
I’ll break it down from my perspective, you may have yours and I’d love to hear it too!
Before you can begin to love or value yourself, you first have to know yourself.
Think about it, how can you love or see value in what you don’t know or understand? It’s near impossible. Do we love complete strangers at first glance? Typically no and that’s what some of us are, strangers to ourselves.
We don’t know what we like or don’t like, what makes us excited, what makes us happy, what makes us angry, what we will or will not do, our limits, our beliefs and so on. How then will it be possible to love yourself if you don’t know who you are?
Therefore rule no 1: Know Thyself.
To do this, spend time monitoring your thoughts, what and how you do things and the interactions and impact you have with/on people. Do things you haven’t done before, and revisit things you used to enjoy doing.
The aim is to put yourself in a position to get reacquainted with yourself, and in some ways discover more of who you are.
For example, I know if something scares the crap out of me, thinking about it is not going to make it better. In fact I have to do the complete opposite and not think about it and just do it. That’s what happened when I jumped out of a plane, when I travelled to a different country for the first time alone, when I started this blog, when I attended university, when I left various jobs, you get my drift. Things get done when I get up & do it. I know this about me because I’ve watched how I respond to things. And guess what? the things I think about in excess seldom get done as I am the king of rationalising the hell out of something. In knowing this I am better equipped to maintain the most important relationship I have, which is with myself.
It’s only when you know more of who you are both in the good and not so good that you can begin to appreciate the essence of who you are and have an understanding of how you can then love yourself.
A few ways I love myself are:
1. Removing limitations with the things I desire
2. Being kind to myself and reaffirming the goodness in me whenever I feel low and ugly (yes I have ugly days).
3. Exercising discipline in areas that I desire to be improved upon (I checked my credit score yesterday and its in the 900’s, I could scream and yes I worked for it!).
4. Being still.
5. Having nice quality things and surrounding myself around good people.
6. Maintaining the standards that I have set for myself.
7. Saying no.
8. Saying yes.
Loving yourself isn’t only about physical self care, it’s also about accepting who you are and doing the work to improve the things that could be better.
What are your thoughts?
I really hope you’re doing well.
I wanted to drop a quick note and ask a question: are you living life on your own terms? To elaborate a little more, is the life you’re living yours by design or other peoples design? And really think about that answer.
Over the past few months, I have been steadily unlearning a lot of ideals and thoughts that have been ingrained in me through the various paradigms I operate in, to sift out one that is actually authentically me, and doing so has made me happier and freer. I am now consciously making my own mind up about things and the (self)inflicted pressure has significantly reduced.
I realised that when I strip away everything, I already have everything that is truly important to me like a roof over my head, my family is alive and very well, a means to earn money to sustain my life, a life that I am falling more in love with, and the list goes on…all because I decided to detach myself from what is supposed to be.
You can experience this new level of freedom which will empower you to actually do more of what you love by simply asking yourself, is this really me? And if you discover that it isn’t, work through that to find what is.
Everyone’s mission in life is different and to think we should all be doing and have the same things by a set time is utterly absurd.
I’ll give you an example and I use this one because there is a huge obsession with it in this society, love.
For as long as I can remember women have been conditioned to be reliant on a man for love and value, which is damaging on so many levels.
I am constantly asked by people I know and don’t know about having a partner, which for a long period made me feel a certain way. Almost as if my life could not be fulfilling if I didn’t have one and that this was the pinnacle for a woman. They often inferred and sometimes said ‘that there must be something wrong with me’. At a point I believed them and took a long hard look at myself and altered my behaviour so I could fit. Ha. It didn’t work.
The plan for me was never to fit in, but because of the words I kept hearing (which builds faith, faith comes by hearing), I believed them over myself and what I felt. Big mistake and it cost me.
Through detaching myself from this conditioning, I have been able to replace it with one that gives to myself over and over and over again. By me for me.
Now I’m not saying burn everything and move to a remote area and don’t want or need anyone, not at all, we need connections, they help us thrive, my suggestion is simply that when you make decisions about your life, make sure it is by you for you.
Last week I was a bridesmaid at a friend’s wedding. It was beautiful, a true blessing.
In the midst of celebrations I had reflective moments as I usually do in these situations. I thought about how wonderful all the different relationships (friends, relatives, couples) were, however, I was quickly reminded that things were not always so and getting here was in short, a real conscious effort…But here we all were celebrating, reaping the work of our hands in more ways than one.
Isn’t it how we look at all good things? That they just are, that there wasn’t a process, growing pains, or a lot of challenging work involved to make it what it is.
We often forget or choose to ignore the behind the scenes and just glorify the highlights. Those highlights are nothing without the graft. It could not would not exist without an individual/s choosing to show up and participate in ALL the parts required to achieve a goal.
If you want something you cannot pick and choose the bits you want to deal with and avoid the ones you don’t. You’re either all in or out, straddling the fence isn’t permitted.
Usain Bolt pre-retirement would train all year round for possibly a 10 second race a few times a year. Let that sink in. A 10 second race.
Beautiful, wonderful things are sometimes cultivated.
So the next time you see something great, think about what it might have taken to get there and let that reinforce what you do. Don’t ever get twisted thinking that anyone has it easy, everyone pays a price, the question is whether you want to?
Winter is here! And cuffing season is upon us. The struggle to find a bae is real.
For those of you that don’t know what cuffing season is, by my definition it’s the autumn/winter period where due to the drastic change in weather, people find themselves a partner. It may be for the purpose of cuddling, having someone to go home to, Netflix and Chill, Christmas and all the other reasons to have a significant other. After all no one really wants to be alone especially during the festive period.
What makes C-Season particularly different is the urgency increases and the standards decrease and my thought is this: don’t let desperation take you where your backside(ass) isn’t supposed to be.
One more time for those of you at the back.
And this is for all times and all things.
Let me tell you about this one time I found myself in a predicament I had no business being in.
This time last year I was a mess! I literally hopscotched from one crappy ‘relationship’ to another shitty ‘relationship’ and why? Because my backside(ass) was, dare I admit it, desperate to change my status with a quickness. I was tired of being in an unfulfilling relationship and stupidly entertained another one that had the ‘appearance’ of being a good one. I was so wrong! And life taught me an invaluable lesson to mind my mother******* business. Fortunately for me, I was only bruised and not broken.
Things will transpire organically, there is never a need to manipulate or force life to happen for you the way you want it because 1) It’s likely to be more detrimental for you and 2) Because of number 1.
Don’t allow society or the people around you, pressurise you into making a decision with potentially permanent effects based on a temporary feeling. Do focus on having fun and living your best life.
As always there is a time to sow and a time to harvest, just like seasons change so do circumstances.
The Magic Circle
When I was a teenager, I remember my peers saying things like and please excuse the crudeness of this next statement, “If she is a hoe, then her friend must be one too”. I strongly disagreed with this statement (and still do to some extent). I thought it is very possible to be friends with someone who has a different lifestyle to you and still not be influenced by it.
The older I have become, the more I realised that the latter statement doesn’t necessarily present reality. My mother would always say ‘mind the company you keep’, ‘yeast works through a batch of dough’ or ‘Iron sharpens Iron’. These idioms didn’t come out of thin air, they came as a result of noticing the patterns within of a group of people or things.
If you think those in your immediate circle do not affect what you do and how you do it then think again.
In fact as I am writing this I just remembered a recent incident that occurred between my friends and I.
We were in Mexico for a friend’s wedding and on one of the free days, we had a fun filled day with different activities. Quad biking, zip lining, jumping into the river from different heights, it was a lot, but a fantastic day nonetheless!
One of the activities, although you had a choice on whether you wanted to do it or not, was zip lining and or jumping from different heights into the river(Fresh water). Now I am a new swimmer, so I’m not at all confident.
My friend Ref is a incredibly adventurous (she beats me hands down), a thrill seeker if you will. She is game for almost anything. She had been jumping in and out of the river and had already been on the zip line.
I didn’t want to be a punk and leave Mexico without pushing my boundaries. I too decided to get on the zip line, fear will not make me its b*tch.
What possessed me to do it? Well aside from my desire, my friend with her zest for life did it for me. There were times during the trip in Mexico where she would encourage me to try things I was apprehensive about doing, but it was her fearlessness and action that sealed the deal for me. If she can do it, then so can I and I did.
Which brings me to my next point, I had another friend with me who couldn’t swim at all, Remi. We are like two peas in a pod, out of us, I am the more daring one. After my first go at zip line, guess who wanted to do it too? She did. I nearly fell on my face when she said she wanted to do it, but not wanting scare her, I didn’t make a big deal out of it at the time.
Need I remind you that she CANNOT swim, we went towards zip line, “1, 2, 3 GO!” off we went and down we ascended. To say I was a proud friend was an understatement; the act represented so many things for me. After being friends for nearly 15 years, I was happy to know that we were still in this race together not just physically but mentally.
Would she have done it, if I hadn’t done it first? Would I have done it, if Ref hadn’t done it before me? The answer to that question is likely to be a hell no!
If your friends are perpetually broke, the chances are (if you are not already there), that you will follow suit. It’s just like how we adopt our parents characteristics or do the things commonly done in our community. For example, why do people from a particular background or area, join gangs? It is what is done and for them like a rite of passage, what they are “supposed to do”. In the same way if you’re from a Nigerian background, university is a given.
Millionaires attract and hang around with other millionaires. Naturally their finances will increase. Why? Because they share their knowledge and expertise with one another, and often times collaborate.
Married people associate themselves with other married people, it’s a no brainer. Even if there is an anomaly amongst the group that is single, or in the relationship, the chances are high that the end result will be marriage.
You become what you see or are in association with.
Creatives hang around with other creative people, and if you are one and you don’t, I can guarantee than your production rate is minimal because there aren’t others like you to heighten that desire and inspire you.
If you have friends that are always late, you’re probably always late too, and if you’re not, then you’ll soon join them. I can vouch for that, my mother’s sense of timing is way off, so you can imagine mine isn’t fantastic,although I am working on it ( I promise).
By no means am I saying ditch your current friends, I am however, encouraging you to expand your network of friends, partnerships and associations.
When advancing onto the next level and there is no one like minded around you, you must then brace it alone.
Years ago I started attending events alone. The result is I now have no problem being in strange environments alone and can thrive in them. Once upon a time asking a passerby a question was a challenge.
Go to where you want to be. Don’t wait for that ‘time’ or when you ‘make it’, do it now! Until you arrive (whatever arriving means to you) saturate your life with the things that reinforce your aspirations. There have been many a time where I have felt and overwhelming sense of despair based on my environment alone.
Are there exceptions to this rule? Of course, but if you are trying to achieve something quickly then get around those who are achieving and living it, fast. If not, you will continue to remain where have always been.
Shout out to my friend Sam, who was inspired to begin writing again and start his blog www.theskepticalromantic.wordpress.com because he came across mine 🙂
Still think it’s not that important?
P.s the feature image is Remi and I.
Age ain’t nothing but a number!
People are making themselves emotionally and physically sick over these life robbing unwritten rules as to the way their life is suppose to be.
I write on this occasion for my ladies that are constantly being hit with “When are you going to get married and have kids?…” -_-. You are getting it from your family members, your friends, your colleagues, strangers and on top of all that seeing pictures day in, day out of others doing those things. You are bound to start feeling anxious and that you are falling far behind.
When you allow yourself to be managed and controlled by other people’s ideologies as to how they think your life should be, you will NEVER be happy. These same said people won’t be there when you’ve rushed yourself into an unhealthy relationship or stay up late with you to take care of your child/ren.
Allowing such pressures to affect how you live your life can cause you to make indelible choices that are hard to recover from.
Personally, I wish people would be quiet about these “statistics” of women’s infertility the older they get or the higher risk of down syndrome as if people that had kids young were completely exempt from such things…yeah I didn’t think so. Oh and the other one is the lack of “good” quality men out there. There are hundreds, thousands, millions of men you haven’t met but Sue wants you to be worried about it because Sue has never encountered a good man which is purely down to her terrible choices in them (You attract what you are).
If we want to talk about statistics let’s talk about the women that have perfectly healthy kids and are over forty? Or the woman that got married to the love of her life in her late 30’s? Shouldn’t this be considered too or nah? There is no singular rule book on how things are to be.
Having previously subjected myself to such thoughts I know how depressing it can begin to feel. I almost allowed it to end a good situation by saying “ I don’t have time to be with someone that doesn’t want to be married and have kids in the next couple years blah blah blah” Laugh. Out. Loud. All because I succumbed to societies notions of where I should be in life. Truth be told I am not ready for all that!
It is not the end of the world if you don’t have these things by a certain age. As it is your life, I think it’s only fair that it should be governed by your rules.
So the next time someone says “When are you getting married?” or “When are you having kids?” here are a few retorts for you to use.
“I am getting married or having kids…
- When YOUR partner starts treating you better
- When YOUR kids are doing well in school
- When YOU leave the job you’ve been in for 5 years that you hate
- When YOU complete your degree that you put on hold for two years
- When YOUR finances are in order and you pay your bills on time and are not in thousands of debt
- In short I will get married and have kids when all of your life is in complete order.”
You see it’s not cute to make comments about something that is clearly none of your business, LOL. Everybody has something to work and improve upon so it would better if everybody just minded their own business.
In all honesty nobody is qualified to tell you how to live your life. What I write is to inspire, incite and encourage a different thought process and ultimately action, however it is entirely up to you how you choose to live your life because at the end of the day it IS your life-your responsibility, your choice-your consequences.