Tag Archives: Mind

The Danger of Expectations

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Do you always get what you want?

Some time back I wrote in my notes that my expectations are making me depressed.

They’re such a weird thing, like you’re “meant” to have them, but then having them makes you prone to disappointment. On the other hand not having them can mean that you accept much less or that in some cases you receive much more, so what exactly are we supposed to do? How do we get the balance right?

At one point in my life I was the person with little to no expectations of things and people and without realising it received everything. I have also been the person with high expectations and intentions and consistently seen it fall through in epic proportions and consequently been gravely disappointed. For this reason I have spent some time really ruminating over ‘expectations’ and I think I have it figured out.

When I think about it, a lot of the times I’ve had a clear vision of what I want, it typically doesn’t materialise in that way. I still get it, it just looks a bit different.

Lots of motivational speakers talk much about belief, faith, setting intentions and so on, but what they don’t tell you is how to do these things; and believe it or not I do think there is a method to it. Not one that suits everything of course, but one that produces a healthier balance for your life (subjectively speaking).

Follow me for a moment. Ever watched a film adaptation of one of your favourite books and after watching it you thought ‘this was shit’. Well of course it was! It is NEVER going to match up to the imagery that your intricate and unique mind conceived.

Now using that same analogy, apply it to other situations, a job, a friendship, a lover, money, children. Can you see how you could live in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction and disappointment? How will you or anyone make it when your thoughts have determined what EVERY action and outcome should be? You have left no room for deviation, no room for creativity, no room for life to do its thing and with this way of thinking not even God will make the cut.

So many people are walking around depressed because things didn’t work out how they thought it would and then spend a considerable amount of time focusing on the results that didn’t happen. In doing this you miss out on what did happen, the blessings in that and also what you could do to make it better.

When we create and cement the outcome down to a T and refuse to be open, we deprive ourselves of being able to witness and appreciate the beauty in what IS happening. We stunt its growth and ultimately our growth. The happiest people as we know are those that make the best of what is there not of what isn’t.

The most successful people are successful because they keep moving. They didn’t get stuck on what didn’t happen, they focused on what did and made it better.

So do be expectant, continue to visualise, but refrain from becoming overly attached to it and restricting what it should be. Okay, you might say that’s settling. It’s not. We have to remember that we are not the only ones involved in the makings of something. There are so many other factors involved, ones that we can see and ones that we can’t and we need to consider that too.

Allow life to happen because whether we like it or not, it will happen with or without you so you might as well roll with it.

Xo

P.s My sister took my pictures and I was obviously pretending to be cool or whatever.

It’s Not You, It’s Me.

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Whenever we take up issue with something or someone else, it is usually an indication of a greater issue that we have going on internally. For example, if you’re jealous of someone else’s looks or life, what that might be saying is that you have low self-esteem and do not see yourself as valuable. There may already be a feeling of inadequacy in existence, which seeing another person further aggravates.  

I recently had a situation where I felt like someone wasn’t as attentive as I would have liked. I worked myself up for days going over the details, but I knew that the issue didn’t really lie with them, it was me. I didn’t feel good enough, I didn’t have great confidence in myself, I didn’t believe I was worthy. During that period I acknowledged that I had some work to do on myself. And no it’s not easy nor does it happen overnight.

You see the problem isn’t always about the other person and what they did, in many instances it’s about us and how we truly feel about ourselves. This is part of the reason why it’s so important to focus on ourselves, because when we shift it onto something or someone else to avoid dealing with the problem, we do ourselves and the people around us a disservice. It’s a disservice because we’re not able to tap into the crux of what is happening, which ultimately shapes our world and the experiences we have. We cannot live at or give our best if we do this. If we don’t address it internally, we can never change it externally. 

So the next time someone’s actions or presence evokes a negative reaction or feeling in you, think about what it is really saying about you, is there something for you to work on? And if so don’t be afraid of it. Broach it with care and take your time, but whatever you do, do not ignore it. 

 Xo

A Single Mind

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You cannot have two masters, one will rule over the other. Ever tried to go left and right at the same time? It’s impossible.

It works the same if you are double minded. When working towards a goal, you cannot willingly accept alternative outcomes because the likelihood is you’ll end up with the least desired one.

Let’s say you want a brand new 2018 Mercedes Benz. You have this car in mind but then repeatedly say ‘Well if not a Mercedes, a Ford, Peugeot or Mini Cooper will do’. Can you see the confusion? You want a Mercedes but you’ve already considered various other options. By doing this you have done two things 1. You have already introduced failure and doubt into the equation by that line of thinking 2. It also means you won’t give all your efforts to getting the Mercedes because you have options and are comfortable with settling.

You must be clear and concise with what it is that you desire. Not being clear causes you to be stagnant, creates confusion, mediocrity and eventually frustration.

Focused and determined people are seldom unsuccessful.

If you are unsure of what it is you want or the goal, that’s completely fine. Simply set some time aside to write what’s in your head down on paper and begin to sift through what’s there until you’re more confident in what it is that you desire.

Being clear minded is not to be confused with not being open. To be open means to be flexible in how the thing comes to you not in what the thing is itself. Being clear minded is to know what you want. They work together.

Every accomplished person, knew what they wanted first. Get clear, your present and future depends on it.

Xo

Everything Is Not For Sale

10 Monday Jul 2017

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10 Signs of a Toxic Person

16 Monday Jan 2017

Posted by in Experiences, Life, More Action, Thoughts in motion

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If they restrict your happiness, constrict their access.

I think we can all agree that we want 2017 to be even better and one of the ways to do that is to check the people you associate yourself with.

Some people are no good for you and no matter how much you want it to be different, it won’t.

With that said, you REALLY need to be mindful of the company you keep. The kind of people you surround yourself with can either help you build, help you destroy, or keep you in the same place. Sometimes its family, sometimes its friends, sometimes its colleagues and sometimes it’s your environment. Whichever it is, if it is working against you, you need to cut your losses while you can.

To give clarity, here’s a situation that I think a lot women will be able to relate to.You get into a relationship with a man who was initially a great guy. Years go by and the relationship changes for the worse. He is not supportive, berates whatever you do, is uninterested in anything you have to offer and so on.You have been unhappy for a while and you’re aware of this, but you stay in hope that it will change and get better.

You confide in your friends, who by the way, are constantly in drama of their own doing. Their advice is that you’re lucky to have a man and how many women at your age do not have partners, so work with what you’ve got.

You don’t entirely agree and believe that this is not healthy and think that ending the relationship is the best outcome, after all you and your partner have stopped being able to relate. However, you’re so used to it, that you carry on with the charade because leaving seems way too hard. You remember what your friends said and eventually convince yourself that they are right.

Things continue as they are and it’s worsening, “that’s it!” you say to yourself and finally muster up some courage to end it, but then there’s a surprise, you’re pregnant.

It just went from bad to worse, because children usually exacerbate the issues already there to a whole ‘nother level.Resentment, regret and remorse settle in and you struggle to forgive yourself for not taking the plunge sooner. What was left of that relationship went up in smoke and a host of other issues arise in a bid to co-parent. The recovery time from all of this…who knows?

The above scenario could happen to anyone and I know a number of people where this has occurred. Were there opportunities to cut their losses? Undoubtedly. Often times we don’t act quick enough and the fallout of course is monumental.

The signs are always there…

Check out some of them below:

  1. They are life and energy suckers.
  2. They talk negatively about everything and everyone, including you.
  3. They get you to do things that you really don’t want to, manipulative.
  4. They give you advice that is usually to your detriment.
  5. They do not support your dreams.
  6. They are mentally, emotionally and physically abusive.
  7. They do not take an interest in what you do or in your day.
  8. Everything is about them, and their struggles, me, me, me, me!
  9. They are never wrong and are always above reproach
  10. They do not take accountability for their actions

*Megaphone* The above applies to you too! You might need to check yourself and see if you do or don’t fall into the above categories. It is unfair to expect a behavior that you, yourself, do not display.

I have to add that a toxic person isn’t necessarily a bad person, it may be that these habits were learned and so they don’t know any better, however it is not your job to ‘fix’ them. A conversation might be in order to assist them in their journey but while they figure that out, you need to figure you out.

If their behavior does not change and is still detrimental to your well-being, cut the umbilical cord and release yourself.

Ill return to this topic with ways of filling that void you may now have lost but first, get to snipping.Okay, here’s one for now, find some energy giving people, people who make you laugh and go to environments that lift you up. I like driving at night time into the area that I’d like to own a home. I peer into their homes (from the car lol) a tad stalker-ish (don’t judge me) but it shows me another side to what I regularly see.

Xo

P.s I am fully aware that using a bitmoji as a picture is a total cop out, but hey it works for me 🙂

Nirvana on the other side

20 Monday Jun 2016

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Before we go any further, can you please not give me the side eye, I know I said for the next few Monday’s I’ll write on someone who inspires me, however, occasionally, you must allow yourself to be led by what is on your heart(- does this sound like a cop out? It’s not, I promise 🙂 )

I’m going to be a little bit hypocritical here, but there are times that it is absolutely necessary to have that break down in order to experience a break through. I mentioned that I’m being hypocritical because I dislike the aforementioned process, although it is extremely constructive.

I am learning to accept for myself that it is okay to cry, the release is good for you. Think of it this way, crying gets rid of the bad energy and feelings that you have supressed and kept inside for a period of time. The pent up emotions starts to negatively affect the body and the brain, limiting your ability to function well. Your decision making skills and your attitude to life will undoubtedly be impaired due to the internalised stressors and pressures you have harboured.

In any building, should there be an emergency, it is mandatory to know where the exit routes are, the same is required for the body. If I eat unhealthily, the result may be excess weight, in this case it may be headaches, body pains, rash, or a complete and utter melt down.

Having a break down is a clear sign that there are things that require your attention which you have, in some cases, systematically ignored. I say systematically because we often times know instinctively when something should be done but instead we ignore the signs and carry on anyway, in the hopes that it will disappear or work itself out. Not so.

We must take care of ourselves as best as we can and it’s perfectly okay to ask for help and admit that you’re not doing so great. Who hasn’t had low points in their life? If someone says they haven’t, then you have confirmation that they’re a bona fide liar. These challenging seasons as cliché as it will sound, make the highs more enjoyable and in all honesty in the trenches is where the most evolution happens. It will strengthen you and make you a better person.

If you’re at that point or close to it, don’t be afraid to let it all out, trust that it will get better from there on out. Don’t be afraid to admit to yourself that you’re not coping well, it doesn’t make you less of a person. The process may be painful, exhausting and you might feel like giving up, I urge you not too.

This may mean spending time alone, introspecting and examining all areas of your life, especially the parts that you are not happy with, the outcome will certainly be daunting yet worth it.

I implore also not find other means to distract you from doing the work, do not placate it with alcohol, binge TV watching, painting the town red or whatever other vice there is. Doing this will not rid yourself of the issue, in fact it will only aggravate it further.  The sooner you get to it and do the work, the sooner you discover your nirvana at the other side.

You are powerful enough to make a difference in your in life.

XO

 

Anthony Joshua: Chat **** Get Banged!

13 Monday Jun 2016

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Every Monday for the next four weeks, I am going to write about someone who inspires me.

Anthony Joshua is the first up.

I have been saying for months now that AJ (that’s what I call him because we’re friends init) has to be in my circle. Is that weird? Nah, not to me, listen if you don’t ask, you don’t get, stranger things have happened.

Why Anthony? Well in the two years I have known about him, he has made huge strides in his career.

From a delinquent teen, to an Olympic Gold Medalist, father and IBF Heavyweight World Champion, he has accomplished a lot in a short space of time.

As someone who has dabbled in boxing myself for fitness purposes only, I am massive fan of people who are able to exercise self-control over a period of time to achieve a goal, its attractive, motivating.

Anthony has shown his commitment to bettering his life and the life of his family. He is disciplined as evidenced by his spectacular physique and titles, and we know, this is no small feat.

He has put the work in, just take a look at his hands, they reveal the blood, sweat and I’m sure at one point, tears that he has shed.

What’s equally as impressive as his aesthetics is that behind it, is a powerful and mastered mind, don’t believe me? Watch this vid https://youtu.be/K1HydHBjJeo

With his commanding presence, one might expect him to throw his weight about and be ostentatious, but he’s quite the opposite.  His genuine humility makes him even more likeable.

Of British and Nigerian descent, yup this makes me proud…and the best part, he’s just getting started.

Mr chat sh*t get banged next’s fight is on the 25th June facing Dominic Breazeale, what he is now calling the ‘KO Show’. Will you be watching?

Oh one last tidbit, I’ve noticed a direct correlation between successful people and exercise. A lot of them do it in one form or fashion.

What exercise does for the body is nothing in comparison for what it does for the mind. If you don’t already exercise, do yourself a good deed and start. It can be walking, jogging, weight lifting, the gym, an activity, anything that is physically challenging will do the trick, so far as you’re pushing your limits on a regular basis.

Train the body, strengthen the mind.

Get your mind out of the gutter!

29 Monday Feb 2016

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I have quite high expectations of my life and I work daily towards reaching and maintain those standards but sometimes, my thoughts trail off into the gutter.

What do I mean? When things get tricky, the first thing you want to do is to resort back to familiar behaviours. Its what you know and what you believe to have worked and that’s fine…except excellence and greatness, cannot come from sameness or being comfortable. You must push against the urge to settle for less or what you are used to.

Whatever you used to get ‘there’ has served its purpose and cannot be recycled to advance you to the next place; you must evolve or otherwise forever be stuck.

By way of our upbringing, surroundings, associations and interactions we are nurtured to think and behave in specific terms. It stays that way until one day, we are introduced to something different, possibility.

For example, you want to buy a home, however, once upon a time owning property wasn’t even a figment of your imagination, never mind it being an actual reality. Your parents weren’t homeowners and neither were your grandparents. You lived in an area where the residents predominantly lived on welfare. You attended school with most of the kids who lived in your area BUT one day, there was an opportunity to join an after school club which you took. The club was girls scout. There you met with girls of different ages and backgrounds. You befriended a girl who was from a middle class family. You went to her house, met her family, had sleepovers, and here, you were introduced to a different way of living. You have now been exposed to the possibility of something different.

A gutter usually contains waste, and is full of things that are no longer beneficial to and for you, in this case it would be old habits and thinking practices. I cant lie and say its easy to do, after all you are literally trying to rid yourself of something that has been a part of you for a very long time, so what do you do? Take the blue pill (old ways) which you have consistently taken for years or try the red one(new ways)where the possibilities are endless? It is always your choice.

Three things you need to know:

  • It wont be easy but it’ll be worth it
  • When it gets challenging, you WILL want to resort back to what is familiar because lets face it, it’s the safest option, BUT you may never have what it is that you have always desired.
  • The time is always now! Take it from me, its very easy to use the excuse of life has gotten in the way but with or without you, life will carry on. Its imperative to hold on and focus on the positive changes that you wish to effect into your life and the life of others.

I remember the year I graduated from University like it was yesterday, that was 7 years ago! And when I observe the things I wished to accomplish, I find that a lot has not yet been achieved, why? Well, life of course.

But how long will ‘life’ continue to be a crutch for the lack thereof? Again, the decision is made by you in what you opt to do on an everyday basis, take the blue pill, get the same results, take the red one and who knows? What do you have to lose?

Forward ever, backwards never.

 

 

What have you done for me lately? 

26 Monday Oct 2015

Posted by in Dreams, Life, More Action

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We always want more yet some of us have done so little with what we have. Ok let me speak for myself, I always want more, better even, but have I made great use of my current resources? Truth be told, no.
Each person has a unique set of skills, resources and ability. They may vary in degrees of expertise, or quality but they are nonetheless existent and purposeful. How purposeful? Well…that depends on you.

It’s Monday, so why not start with a fresh mind and a new direction? Write a list of all the things you have, be it a talent, skill, resource, material item, it could be anything and next to that item, state its use. The idea is to become more aware of what you have in your immediate possession. It will also help you to realise what you are not utilising well enough.

I’ll give you a few of mine that are on my list:

  1. Own vehicle (I value my independence greatly). I am able to move freely from place to place, at my own leisure, meaning I can make appointments, arrive to work on time(erm yeah), meet friends, travel up and down the country (I drove to Wales a couple months back), the list is endless.
  2. It allows me to develop my skills further, interact and build relationships with people that I may not encounter on a day to day basis. I makes moniessssssss, I mean I am paid for my services, which consequently affords me the standard of living that I have and the opportunity to develop myself further in other areas of life.
  1. Social media accounts (that I don’t use nearly as much as I should, ugh)-I can connect and reach people all over the world, I learn a lot about the issues that affect people nationally and internationally. I am also inspired and encouraged by the stories and lives of the people that I come across. People also get to see what I am about and my interests which is (currently) posing for the gram-just kidding!
  1. I am keen learner and can easily adapt to any environment. There’s little to nothing that I won’t make an attempt at doing, no matter how difficult, it’s always worth a try. It means that there’s a lot I am able to do.
  1. Healthy body (sort of, I need a six pack, help! I can’t stop stuffing my face) and a ‘sound’ mind.  I am able to function independently; I can get up and go. Whatever I set my mind to do, I can do. I have conditioned my mind to focus on the positive so I never stay down for long-thankfully (Once upon a time, I could be depressed for days/weeks/months on end).
  1. Ability to create, write, inspire, cultivate.
  1. Creative
  1. An analytical mind. I can piece things together quite quickly and find solutions.
  1. A good sense of style. Perception accounts for a lot

You may have a completely different set of ideals, and the above are just a few of mine. After writing down your list, intentionally decide on what you will use more, or maybe differently. Have it down as an action plan for the week, and let’s see what you come up with.

Till next time, have a great week!

A Prison Sentence

08 Wednesday Jul 2015

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A Prison Sentence

I started watching OITNB from season one recently and boy did it give me a reality check.

While watching it, I kept uttering to myself I will not go to prison, not for anything, not simply because of the prison culture in itself, the mere thought of being confined to a room and striped of freedom is grave punishment enough for someone like me.

Ironically, the more I watched it, the more I started to think, are we really that different? One of the characters said and I paraphrase, the only difference between you and I, is that when I did bad things I didn’t get caught-I think some of us can attest to that.Some of us are one good/ bad decision away from a life changing moment.

I looked around my current settings and examined what made me any different to them? They had a room, I have a room, they weren’t at liberty to do what they wanted when they wanted, I am… but was I truly? I pondered on whether the choices I made every day were reflective of the life I truly wanted to live- the answer is a resounding no.

Many of us are living out a prison sentence and we don’t even know it. We have become incarcerated by our past, fears, habits and perspectives.

I’d be the first to admit that one of my fears was created and built upon solely by me. I built a mansion out of it (I think I’m a pretty good architect, ok probably not a good thing in this sense). It started off small, but every day I added to it and before I knew it, it was colossal. I berated myself and made constant comparisons of myself to others and over time it reached a point that I was “in fact” useless.  I have since recognised that this is not true and is something I work on daily to undo the damage I had caused for all those years.

Every day we write the next chapter in our lives by what we tell ourselves, cemented further by what we do. Picture this, you have a bouquet of beautiful flowers and we know that in order for it to last long enough, we have to nurture it.  Assuming you don’t water it, give it the necessary light or feed it its prescribed plant food, by the end of two weeks, you will have no doubt , a vase of withered and lifeless flowers. Is there any way of reviving this and bringing it back to its full former glory? I am yet to see this happen. You need to be nurtured every single day, it is your principal duty ,not anyone else’s to feed, water and nourish yourself.

Be mindful of what you listen to, what you watch and who you allow to influence your life, the impact on your mental state is more than you realise.

I remember being about 11 years old and constantly hearing from my school peers that a girl having a muscular physique was unattractive, especially having defined calf muscles.  I happened to fit that bill and for the longest while, I would go to great lengths to conceal my body for risk of being called something that I was not. At about 17 I had one person say to me you have nice legs (If my head could have spun around, it would have) and that it was something they found attractive, “what?!” Needless to say that was the beginning of me embracing myself and showing ‘the finger’ to those people, which might I add aren’t doing so well and are desperately hitting the gym *Does shoulder shimmy*.

To mentally emancipate yourself, it will require a daily dose of restructuring, from what you visually see, hear, do and tell yourself. For every thought you don’t wish to embody, you must PRACTICE counteracting it with something you do want. We talk and focus SO much on everything we don’t want and end up creating more of that very same thing -Whatever marinates, you generate. Listen what do you have to lose? You’ve spent your whole life living it mentally and physically unhappy, why not do something different and be on course for something more enriching?

Anything worth it must be maintained, otherwise you will lose it and this applies to everything! When you stay at a 4/5*hotel room, you expect it to be well-kept, comfortable, and luxurious even. For it to be that way, it is sustained by a team of expert cleaners, who laboriously clean the rooms, every single day. It should of course look and feel brand new. Suppose the cleaners and maintenance team don’t attend to their daily duties, when you visit, in what state should you expect to find the room in? The same respect should be given to yourself.

A thought in order to become a habit must be reinforced by action- ‘Think’ inside out.  Anything is possible 🙂