Tag Archives: relationships

Say No to Yes People

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I was rereading my last post and thinking about the kind of people I have around me.  Although I love them dearly, I noticed that there are some that will feed into my plight rather than snap me out of it and that is dangerous.

For example, you’ve had a bad day and you call your friend to moan. What then followed were exchanges of experiences and a reinforcement of how ‘right’ you are to feel crap. When you get off the call, do you feel better? Typically no and if you do, it’s likely to be temporary.

Sure, there are times that you just need to vent and get things off your chest but whoever you go to must be someone of sound reasoning and mind.

Say no to people who unfailingly reaffirm your shitty feelings, to people who are not able to gently correct you, to people who mollycoddle you into believing you’re always right, to people who agree with everything you say, to people who do not have a healthy positive outlook on life. Those people have a greater influence on your life than you know and faith comes by hearing, so the more you hear the wrong type of things, the more you believe in it, make sense?

To put it simply, in times of stress and frustration, do not go to the constantly stressed and frustrated.

Xo

P.s Have a great week ahead!

Everything Is Not For Sale

10 Monday Jul 2017

Posted by in love, Motivation, relationships, Thoughts in motion, Uncategorized

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I’d Love You…If You Changed.

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I’m seeing someone. Things are going well enough but there have been some red flags.

I was thinking about all the things I didn’t like about their behaviour and how they would have to change this, that and the third for me to be with them- I stopped myself mid ramble.

If this person has to change the way they are so we can “be” together, then I have no business being with them whatsoever. He shouldn’t have to change himself for me at all. It’s rather cheeky; who do I think I am to request that someone change on my behalf?!

Could you imagine someone saying to you, “I need you to change your hairstyle, stop hanging around this person, wear this, do this job, speak proper English”, you’d soon tell him or her to piss right off! I know I would, why should it be any different the other way around?

I realised this was the mistake I made in my last relationship by saying, If they would just do this, or do that, and this too then it would be great. In all honesty he could never get the shit right because he was being measured by standards that only I knew all the parameters of.

We sometimes want people to fit a mould that we have created. That mould is defective because it is formed from our point of view and is what we consider to be the best way of being. By doing this we automatically set the people around us up to fail.

Take people as they are or leave them the hell alone. Stop trying to make them fit into YOUR box, its unfair and selfish (let’s get rid of the box altogether). If they choose and are willing to change for themselves, wonderful! You can you assist them in doing that, but not under any other circumstance unless its life or death.

Sure we can influence and encourage them but nag them to change? No.

They don’t have to be like you, they need to be like them. Let them live, be it good or bad, they will deal with the consequences.

We are only capable of changing ourselves no one else has that ability.

With all of that said, my spidey senses are telling me to quit this situation whilst I’m ahead because this won’t work. Ugh another bites the dust.

Xo

29 and Unmarried

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I can’t even begin to tell you what its like to be a woman of African descent born and raised in the United Kingdom.

Trust me when I say there are many realms to navigate through, AND to do it successfully? Its hard, hard af.

In my culture if you’re not married at 29, you’re already past your sell-by date. Yes it IS the be all and end all. It’s something almost all mothers irrespective of backgrounds are worried about.

It’s heralded as an unspoken and if you’re Nigerian very spoken of rite of passage for a lot of women. I remember shortly after graduating, the questions began to come in thick and fast about when I will get married, as if I am supposed to pluck a good suitor from a tree, wrap him up and present him to the family. As the first born in my family and one of the eldest in my extended family, in Tupac’s words “All eyes on me”. I had to ban my family at one point from asking me such questions and I won’t even begin to touch on the children, biological clock, and your eggs will be dust talk…That’s too much to discuss in one day.

If its not my family, its my friends and their families. Sometimes they say it and at other times I just feel it, the general consensus is “Irene, you are the problem, stop being so picky etc”. At some point, not sure when exactly, I started to believe them and it cost me! I mean if ‘everyone’ is thinking it and often times saying it, they must be right, right? I MUST be the problem, right? I didn’t want to be the black sheep and the one who wouldn’t get in line, so I ignored all the alarm bells and stood in the shit for a little too long. I entertained pursuits that I knew from the get-go were not right. Fortunately for me, I came out bruised and not broken.

Do not and by that I mean NEVER go against what you feel in your gut.

In addition to desperately trying to make something work, I spent a few months last year looking at every woman’s finger and then harshly judging her because the conditioning I had had since I was a child began to engulf me and swallow me whole, like Jonah. The thoughts swirling around my head were what’s wrong me? Why does she get to be married? Why wasn’t this a part of my life? Nobody wants me?! (Proceeds to cry in the corner).

The pressure to be married or find your soul mate is everywhere and unavoidable. It’s on TV, its on social media, it’s on YouTube, it’s on the tube, anywhere you can think of it, it’s there, haunting you.

There is an implicit notion that you are broken if you are not in relationship, engaged or married. Having a ring on your finger infers that you are wanted, loved and that someone saw value in you enough to make you a Mrs. This train of thought is detrimental, soul destroying and on every level, just wrong.

You are not broken, nor unloved or unwanted. The ideals established by our families, our cultures and society are often times unrealistic and can lead to an unhealthy state of being.

Anyway, I say all of that to say that I have been delivert*,I have finally made peace with all those demands and expectations that I and others had for my life. I have opted to be nobodies bitch least of all this society’s.

I have become very clear on what a good suitor looks like and my previous experiences were not it and I’ll be damned if I get to the altar and Mr Big chooses not to show up, someone will die, sorry I mean…nah, someone will die!

There is a whole lot more to life than being married or in a relationship. Life doesn’t stop there as my many married friends will tell me, it’s also not an easy feat. While it may not be in your very immediate future, do not sit there moping and become a glutton, get busy. Get busy in discovering more about yourself and living your best life yet while it is still on your own terms, because when you do eventually settle down, you can kiss goodbye to that lol.

Really spend time investing in yourself and your goals. Focus on the things that make you happy outside of anyone and do that, explore, learn a language, travel a lot, buy a home, do a placement abroad, write a book, go back to university to study (actually don’t, tbc), try new things, become a yoga instructor, take a series of cooking classes, make money, join a circus, start painting, get into photography, start a business, take a twerking class (hey, your mate will thank you later),spend time with your non annoying family members and friends, become so busy with living a wonderful life that you do not have time to feel sorry for yourself or look at other peoples lives as being seemingly better than yours. Your life can be amazing on your own, you do not need a mate to have a fulfilling life.

Now, I am not advocating that you completely shun your desire to have a mate, simply that you do not make it your everything. When people are desperate, desperate ideas and decisions become them. When people are happy, well you know how that goes.

I’m off to the gym now at 00:40, okay i’m lying, I was going to though, ha! Tomorrow, I promise.

Goodnight Xo

Ps Delivert- The act of being over delivered from something. Past past tense lol.

Pain now, Gain later

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What’s stopping you? Is it fear? Is it the work? Is it the lack of discipline?

For me, it is the pain of doing the work. The difficulty or should I say, the idea I have built in my mind of how difficult something is or how long it will take, is one of my stumbling blocks. I’m sure you have gathered by now that patience is not one of my strong suits. The irony is once I’ve done it, I say to myself, ‘Is that it? What was the big deal?!’.

You have to think of it this way, do the work now so that you can enjoy later. I love studying people (my favourite pastime) and when I looked at a lot of successful people, many of them were still reaping from what they sowed years and years and years ago. They are harvesting from the work, graft, grind, that they also found difficult to do at the time. Wouldn’t it be great to have something that continues to bear fruit in your life, years after it’s been done?

Let’s take a singer-songwriter for example. They wrote and performed a song, 10 years ago. When that song gets used in an advert, they get paid and recognition from it. When it’s used in a film, they get paid and recognition from it. Someone does a cover, they get paid and recognition from it.  This is all from one song that they created, in a room, spent hours recording, fine tuning, staying up late, perfecting the performance of it, creating a video for it, doing interviews to promote it,  and all the other host of things that come with being an artist. These are some of the pains, which later became profitable.

It could be anything in your life, getting a new job, reenergizing a relationship, clearing your debts, making an investment, learning a new trade, weight loss, producing content for YouTube, writing a book, a social enterprise, raising a family, anything worth having does not comes easy or overnight. Without doing the work, none of these things will materialize. It’s the natural order of life, sow first, reap second.

Like my mentor says ‘Do what others won’t, to get what others don’t’.

Xo

P.s I am doing the work too, albeit begrudgingly grrr.

10 Signs of a Toxic Person

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If they restrict your happiness, constrict their access.

I think we can all agree that we want 2017 to be even better and one of the ways to do that is to check the people you associate yourself with.

Some people are no good for you and no matter how much you want it to be different, it won’t.

With that said, you REALLY need to be mindful of the company you keep. The kind of people you surround yourself with can either help you build, help you destroy, or keep you in the same place. Sometimes its family, sometimes its friends, sometimes its colleagues and sometimes it’s your environment. Whichever it is, if it is working against you, you need to cut your losses while you can.

To give clarity, here’s a situation that I think a lot women will be able to relate to.You get into a relationship with a man who was initially a great guy. Years go by and the relationship changes for the worse. He is not supportive, berates whatever you do, is uninterested in anything you have to offer and so on.You have been unhappy for a while and you’re aware of this, but you stay in hope that it will change and get better.

You confide in your friends, who by the way, are constantly in drama of their own doing. Their advice is that you’re lucky to have a man and how many women at your age do not have partners, so work with what you’ve got.

You don’t entirely agree and believe that this is not healthy and think that ending the relationship is the best outcome, after all you and your partner have stopped being able to relate. However, you’re so used to it, that you carry on with the charade because leaving seems way too hard. You remember what your friends said and eventually convince yourself that they are right.

Things continue as they are and it’s worsening, “that’s it!” you say to yourself and finally muster up some courage to end it, but then there’s a surprise, you’re pregnant.

It just went from bad to worse, because children usually exacerbate the issues already there to a whole ‘nother level.Resentment, regret and remorse settle in and you struggle to forgive yourself for not taking the plunge sooner. What was left of that relationship went up in smoke and a host of other issues arise in a bid to co-parent. The recovery time from all of this…who knows?

The above scenario could happen to anyone and I know a number of people where this has occurred. Were there opportunities to cut their losses? Undoubtedly. Often times we don’t act quick enough and the fallout of course is monumental.

The signs are always there…

Check out some of them below:

  1. They are life and energy suckers.
  2. They talk negatively about everything and everyone, including you.
  3. They get you to do things that you really don’t want to, manipulative.
  4. They give you advice that is usually to your detriment.
  5. They do not support your dreams.
  6. They are mentally, emotionally and physically abusive.
  7. They do not take an interest in what you do or in your day.
  8. Everything is about them, and their struggles, me, me, me, me!
  9. They are never wrong and are always above reproach
  10. They do not take accountability for their actions

*Megaphone* The above applies to you too! You might need to check yourself and see if you do or don’t fall into the above categories. It is unfair to expect a behavior that you, yourself, do not display.

I have to add that a toxic person isn’t necessarily a bad person, it may be that these habits were learned and so they don’t know any better, however it is not your job to ‘fix’ them. A conversation might be in order to assist them in their journey but while they figure that out, you need to figure you out.

If their behavior does not change and is still detrimental to your well-being, cut the umbilical cord and release yourself.

Ill return to this topic with ways of filling that void you may now have lost but first, get to snipping.Okay, here’s one for now, find some energy giving people, people who make you laugh and go to environments that lift you up. I like driving at night time into the area that I’d like to own a home. I peer into their homes (from the car lol) a tad stalker-ish (don’t judge me) but it shows me another side to what I regularly see.

Xo

P.s I am fully aware that using a bitmoji as a picture is a total cop out, but hey it works for me 🙂

The Writing’s on the Wall

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The most vital lesson for me this year was to trust my intuition. Your inner voice knows best, don’t doubt it, believe in yourself! Trust. That. Voice.

PSA: A recommended good friend doesn’t necessarily make a good boyfriend or girlfriend.

I must be putting out ‘I need a man vibes’, because over the past 2 years, I have been encouraged by those close to me to consider people who they thought highly of. Two of those did not pan out well AT ALL.

But here’s the kicker, in both of those situations, I knew from the very beginning it wasn’t going to work, yet I continued on in great hope that it will just “work”, and that I would eventually be wrong.

Desperation + Desire= Disaster, sheer catastrophe, abort mission!

I always say that the worst place to operate out of is desperation. I don’t think I have ever had good results from taking action whilst in this mode.When you want something bad enough it can completely cloud your judgement and stifle your ability to make sound decisions.

I was forcing it to work with people, where my intuition and experience told me it would not work. I ignored all and every warning sign telling me to ‘abort mission!’ because I believed I deserved it and was prepared by any means necessary to get it. I had had enough of being told this or that, and being looked upon as the ‘problematic one’, so I forced it.

What did forcing it look like? Well, it looked like putting aside my standards, tolerating things that went against my better thinking, and in effect devoting time, effort, energy into the wrong places. The cost of this? My peace of mind, full functionality and temporary insanity.

I have had people all through my adult life, tell me that I am quite particular, especially when it comes to relationships and that I needed to be more malleable.You hear it long enough, you start to believe it and I did. I started to doubt myself and what I truly knew was right, in exchange for what people told me about myself.

I am not blaming these people, because at the end of the day the decision was mine to make. I placed more value on their opinions over what I knew to be true for me.  It was at this point, I knew that I had f**ked up.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to have different opinions, it’s healthy in some cases, as it establishes a dialogue that may not have been had before, however, I cannot stress how important it is for YOU to have the final say in terms of what goes on in your life, your word is the most valuable.

We all have an inner navigation system that guides us in life, make good use of it, it’s there to help you. The more you use it, the easier it becomes to detect.

How I identify that voice:

  • I know it because it disturbs me at the most random and very often, inappropriate time.
  • My heart starts to race whenever it comes to mind, letting me know that there is action I need to take.
  • There’s a tightness in my stomach
  • Unease when doing something that you have been putting off.

These are my tell-tale signs that there is something not quite right and needs addressing. Once I do it, there is a huge weight off my shoulders.

If it doesn’t look right, smell right, feel right, let it go, leave it. You cannot dress up shit and even if you manage to, it doesn’t last long, it will eventually hit the fan.

Save yourself the aggro and do what you’re supposed to while you still have control.

Trust your intuition.

XO

P.s Your intuition might be the most unpopular feeling to everyone else, still go with it, it’s for you, not everyone else.

Relationships matter, Friendships matter, All liv…Sike!

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I’d be lying if I said I haven’t missed blogging sorely, I definitely have! I didn’t plan on posting today but I was challenged yesterday and a little insulted, when someone questioned my commitment to blogging.

How frigg’n dare they?!

I do however think my absence warrants an explanation. I have for the past 5 weeks been revamping my website, and it’s taken longer than expected, as these things usually do. I have spent it going back and forth with my ‘web guy’, different hosts and it’s been a bit of a palaver. However, things are finally on the move and I hope to back to normal by the end of this week, so expect new things…Yay!

So as a big middle finger I mean proof, that I am not a slacker and you guys do deserve better, here’s my little tidbit for today.

I’m about to get a little shouty, a little passionate, a little brash because I feel so strongly about this: ALL relationships require EFFECTIVE communication in order for it to be healthy and functional.

This idea that it’s just “supposed” to work or they should just “get it” is bullsh*t and here’s why.

I was speaking to a friend a while back and I asked her about a good friend of hers. I noticed that they had barely spoken much in the last couple of months and they used to speak every day. She began to tell me about what’s happened and why she has all of a sudden distanced herself. I asked her, “have you told her how you feel?”, her response “No”.

I looked at her like she had an extra head. So you are not speaking to her, for reasons she is unaware of? My friend stated “I would not have done that, she should just know!”. What?!

Now don’t get me wrong, she is entitled to her feelings and reasons, but my issue is when you have failed to communicate it to the other party.

There are so many things wrong with this thinking. You and the other person are not the same; you do not share the exact same experiences, are not from the exact same background, do not behave exactly the same, do not have the exact same thinking or perspective, how can you expect this person to “get it” all the time, every time? Not even twins can get it right all the time.

We can look at the same object and have completely different opinions of it, based on things already mentioned, and that’s perfectly fine. It’s not one size fits all, nor is there a standard or rule book that everyone follows.

We need to accept that we are made differently and sometimes, we do need to talk in order to learn and grow.

I get it wrong all the time, but guess what? If you don’t tell me, I’ll never know or learn and I most certainly won’t just “get it”.

We as humans don’t have a peak, where we become all powerful, all knowing, even when we are old and grey, there are still things we can learn.

I have encountered it so many times in my relationships and others, how a little communication can make the world of difference in enhancing and fortifying it.

If you tell your friend in this scenario, that you are not happy about a particular outcome and you do so with the aim of finding a resolve and NOT attacking them, and they choose to respond negatively, then so be it, “Que Sera Sera”…BUT, if they respond positively, how much better will you feel? If they value you, you’ll both find a way to compromise, it’s that simple.

I had an experience just yesterday, where a friend and I, who I have known for decades, had a misunderstanding, one that quite possibly could have caused a permanent rift between us. It took us 5 minutes to clear the air. 5 minutes of us expressing ourselves in a manner that was respectful and ultimately came from a good place to resolve the issue. 5 minutes was all it took to clear up animosity that had existed for over a year. 5 minutes.

These disparities don’t always have to mean the end of the world, it can be used as a bridge to get closer, not further way.

Too often good relationships break down because of poor and ineffective communication, and 8/10 times it could have been avoided with simple, clear, and respectful communication.

Don’t deprive yourself of a good thing, be bold enough to simply talk it out.

XO

Ps I used lots of capitals ugh. #sorrynotsorry 😛

Pps Ill be moving over to WordPress.org soon, don’t ask…

Relationships: Family, Friends, Career, Money…?

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Relationships are hard work, irrespective of what form its in, maintaining them sometimes, will have you wanting to free fall from the highest cliff, grrrr!

I was sent a video last night that wound me up. It was a woman talking about how you should treat your man and a few seconds in, I was rolling my eyes, blah blah blah. The thing is, it wasn’t that I didn’t agree with some of what she said, it was the conviction she held that women are SUPPOSED to treat their men that way period. I thought, hold up, what about the men? what will they be doing? does one not have to take into account the calibre of the recipient of such wonderful treatment? It made me think…

People are out here in these streets having expectations of others that they themselves are not fulfilling.

Why do we always want what we have not worked for?

Why do you expect to be taken care of, when you cannot take care of yourself?

How much have you put in for you command this in return?

What do you bring to the table?

In my experience you attract what you are. Years ago I noticed that the men I was attracted to, had one thing in common, my bad traits. It was like fighting with myself on a daily basis, stress! My vibrations were operating at a much lower level and it showed. Thank goodness for growth!

Your relationship to friends, family, career, and money need effort, consistency, nurturing and patience in order for them to flourish and be fruitful. If you are not contributing in that way, the end results will certainly reflect that.

Being on the receiving end of the amazing things in life will often require you to supply something of yourself, a sacrifice of sorts. Everything has a price, whether you think it is worth or not is entirely up to you.

So lets do away with the idea that you get something for nothing, and accept that what you sow, be it good or bad, you’ll reap in due time. I have said this before and ill say it again, you cannot sow and reap at the same time, one must happen before the other.

One must happen before the other.

People change and that’s okay.

03 Wednesday Aug 2016

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Sometimes the people you know, change, and that’s perfectly okay.

I had a situation at work where I “thought” I was building a good working relationship with someone and then I found out she was intentionally trying to undermine my capabilities to another colleague. I. Was. Livid.

It wouldn’t have mattered if it was someone who wasn’t in close proximity, people talk, people will always talk, but to find out it was someone I was “pally pally” with, stung. I wanted to take back every ounce of my genuine care, consideration, niceness and effort. Of course I can’t do that now, it’s too late, damn it!

I had a neighbour, an older woman, who was lovely to me and my family for 14 years. She would always and I mean always gift my family with home cooked meals, biscuits, sweets, apples from her garden, you name it she provided it. We had supported each other in many different ways over the years. She and my late grandma were even good friends.
And then, all of sudden, she stopped communicating with us, stopped coming by, was curt and the usual friendliness that we were used to was no longer there.
I made a couple of attempts to see how she was doing and enquire if everything is okay and she would respond with plain answers without looking me in the eye. To say I was perplexed is an understatement.

I had someone who I believed to be a good friend, who purposely excluded me from being privy to major life changes, that Sue, Bob, Jim, Mary, basically *randoms all knew about…erm what?-_-

All of which was strange, abrupt and unsettling.

Things like this can leave you confused, upset, questioning your actions and theirs, yet you’d be no closer to understanding what the hell happened.

It’s surprising and it’s hurtful, but it happens and there is no need to blame yourself. How they behave is entirely on them, you cannot assume responsibility for it, you can only be responsible for yourself and how you conduct yourself.

Why don’t you simply ask them what’s wrong, you say? There’s this thing called denial. You can ask till your purple in the face and get nothing. They’re not comfortable in revealing what’s upset them so they say nothing or it may be that they have issues completely unrelated to you, you just happen to be on the receiving end.

How do you conduct yourself in these situations? As you always have, with a little more caution. The best thing is to redirect that focus onto yourself and the other people you have in your life. Remove yourself from the people and situations that no longer serve you. Give these people the space to just be, don’t get mad, retaliate or harbour ill feelings, instead wish them well.

I have encountered many of these types of situations and I opt for the high road. I don’t act out, I don’t behave like I have horns and if I do, I soon come to my senses and remedy it. I continue to be a good person and not allow their actions to change my character. If you do this, the testament is they usually come back, apologetic, different and willing to be better. I can personally vouch for this.

Life is way too short to deal with BS of any kind from anyone.

XO

*Randoms is British slang for a nobody, an irrelevant being, stragglers. You get my drift…