Tag Archives: Single

A Single Mind

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You cannot have two masters, one will rule over the other. Ever tried to go left and right at the same time? It’s impossible.

It works the same if you are double minded. When working towards a goal, you cannot willingly accept alternative outcomes because the likelihood is you’ll end up with the least desired one.

Let’s say you want a brand new 2018 Mercedes Benz. You have this car in mind but then repeatedly say ‘Well if not a Mercedes, a Ford, Peugeot or Mini Cooper will do’. Can you see the confusion? You want a Mercedes but you’ve already considered various other options. By doing this you have done two things 1. You have already introduced failure and doubt into the equation by that line of thinking 2. It also means you won’t give all your efforts to getting the Mercedes because you have options and are comfortable with settling.

You must be clear and concise with what it is that you desire. Not being clear causes you to be stagnant, creates confusion, mediocrity and eventually frustration.

Focused and determined people are seldom unsuccessful.

If you are unsure of what it is you want or the goal, that’s completely fine. Simply set some time aside to write what’s in your head down on paper and begin to sift through what’s there until you’re more confident in what it is that you desire.

Being clear minded is not to be confused with not being open. To be open means to be flexible in how the thing comes to you not in what the thing is itself. Being clear minded is to know what you want. They work together.

Every accomplished person, knew what they wanted first. Get clear, your present and future depends on it.

Xo

The Single Life

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Navigating through life certainly has its ups and downs and I am starting to think that with some things there is no right or wrong, only better.

In keeping with the theme of other posts this week, I thought I’d share 2 things single (and non-single) people should do before entering or considering a relationship.

Now before you give me the side-eye about this, yes I am single, however I’ve had a fair bit of experience to know what has worked and not worked for me. We know by now that desperation doesn’t work and is at the top of the ‘Do not do’ list.

There’s no point in entering into an unhealthy and unedifying relationship for the sake of not being alone or keeping up with the status quo. When we get into one, although it might be challenging, we want it to match our fly and be everything we’ve ever imagined it could be. To get this we have to be right ourselves.

So, let’s get into this list.

  1. Know thy self. What knowing yourself does is set the standards you have for your life. It means you’d know bullshit when you see it, you’d know when something is right for you and when it’s not and you will not compromise on what it is you want just because it seems like it’s not happening yet. In other words, knowing yourself is knowing your power and because of this you are intentional in creating the world and life you want to live. Knowing yourself builds confidence in how and what you do with your life, for example, if someone comes along and says you’ll never amount to anything, you’d be able to laugh at them as you know who you are, what you’re capable of and they do not determine what that looks like, you do. You can also see your ex’s recent engagement and not be moved by it, because you know what is for you is for you. Getting to this level of surety does require a large amount of introspection and a lot of work, it’s definitely not an overnight stint. When you don’t know yourself, you’ll easily accept anything and everything that comes your way, when you do, you won’t- Don’t play yourself.

 

  1. Work on yourself. Focus on the things that you know has been harmful to you or that can be improved upon. For a while I had it in my head that I’d always be alone or that I’m the black sheep. The reason this became a belief system is because I was constantly questioned as to why I am single and made to feel (or should I say I allowed them to) like there was something wrong with me. I soon accepted it as gospel. I have since spent time changing the rhetoric that I have repeated to myself for years and replaced it with one that believes in myself more and trusts my intuition. What if you don’t know what needs to be worked on? Here’s one hint, stop ignoring the little voice telling you there is something wrong here, as I often say to my friend ‘unpack’ it, meaning examine/learn the root cause. Whatever your beliefs are will be mirrored in your life, nothing is by mistake, we are all creators after all…let that marinate.

Doing these two things alone is sure to bring you much more of what you want. Okay granted, its not that simple or straightforward but simply becoming more aware of yourself is a great start in itself and things will evolve as time passes.

The journey is worth it.

Xo

Cuffing Season

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Winter is here! And cuffing season is upon us. The struggle to find a bae is real. 

For those of you that don’t know what cuffing season is, by my definition it’s the autumn/winter period where due to the drastic change in weather, people find themselves a partner. It may be for the purpose of cuddling, having someone to go home to, Netflix and Chill, Christmas and all the other reasons to have a significant other. After all no one really wants to be alone especially during the festive period.

What makes C-Season particularly different is the urgency increases and the standards decrease and my thought is this: don’t let desperation take you where your backside(ass) isn’t supposed to be. 

One more time for those of you at the back.

Don’t 

Let

Desperation 

Take 

You 

Where

Your 

Backside(ass)

Isn’t 

Supposed 

To 

Be. 

And this is for all times and all things.

Let me tell you about this one time I found myself in a predicament I had no business being in. 

This time last year I was a mess! I literally hopscotched from one crappy ‘relationship’ to another shitty ‘relationship’ and why? Because my backside(ass) was, dare I admit it, desperate to change my status with a quickness. I was tired of being in an unfulfilling relationship and stupidly entertained another one that had the ‘appearance’ of being a good one. I was so wrong! And life taught me an invaluable lesson to mind my mother******* business. Fortunately for me, I was only bruised and not broken.

Things will transpire organically, there is never a need to manipulate or force life to happen for you the way you want it because 1) It’s likely to be more detrimental for you and 2) Because of number 1. 

Don’t allow society or the people around you, pressurise you into making a decision with potentially permanent effects based on a temporary feeling. Do focus on having fun and living your best life.

As always there is a time to sow and a time to harvest, just like seasons change so do circumstances.

Xo

Would You Date You?

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Would you date you? Be honest.

Not your typical Monday spiel but I think it’s worth thinking about it.

Whether you’re single, dating or in a relationship, every status is a minefield that needs to be broached with care and lots of thought. But, let’s talk about a significant other.

A lot of people often have long lists of wants and expectations that they themselves have no intention of meeting, do not meet and probably wouldn’t recognise even if it were right in front of them. So the question is, is it then okay to make these demands of others when you fall short yourself?

I do believe that the people in your life are a reflection of what you intrinsically believe about yourself and how you think. This of course will inform your decision on what you do and how you act. Ultimately it means that you attract what you are. So…I say this next bit with love, would the people you want to have in your life want you too? Again, be honest.

Yes, we are all wonderful in our own way, however, there is always always room for improvement.

Have a think about the question above and if you decide that yes there are things you can do to be better, start doing the work. Rome wasn’t built in a day so don’t expect the improvements to happen overnight, but with time, effort and consistency, it will begin to manifest.

Become the person you would want to have around you.

Xo

P.s I’m going to be back this week. I know I know, I say this all the time don’t I? and suddenly disappear, I am working on it, honest 🙂

I’d Love You…If You Changed.

09 Tuesday May 2017

Posted by in Experiences, love, relationships

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I’m seeing someone. Things are going well enough but there have been some red flags.

I was thinking about all the things I didn’t like about their behaviour and how they would have to change this, that and the third for me to be with them- I stopped myself mid ramble.

If this person has to change the way they are so we can “be” together, then I have no business being with them whatsoever. He shouldn’t have to change himself for me at all. It’s rather cheeky; who do I think I am to request that someone change on my behalf?!

Could you imagine someone saying to you, “I need you to change your hairstyle, stop hanging around this person, wear this, do this job, speak proper English”, you’d soon tell him or her to piss right off! I know I would, why should it be any different the other way around?

I realised this was the mistake I made in my last relationship by saying, If they would just do this, or do that, and this too then it would be great. In all honesty he could never get the shit right because he was being measured by standards that only I knew all the parameters of.

We sometimes want people to fit a mould that we have created. That mould is defective because it is formed from our point of view and is what we consider to be the best way of being. By doing this we automatically set the people around us up to fail.

Take people as they are or leave them the hell alone. Stop trying to make them fit into YOUR box, its unfair and selfish (let’s get rid of the box altogether). If they choose and are willing to change for themselves, wonderful! You can you assist them in doing that, but not under any other circumstance unless its life or death.

Sure we can influence and encourage them but nag them to change? No.

They don’t have to be like you, they need to be like them. Let them live, be it good or bad, they will deal with the consequences.

We are only capable of changing ourselves no one else has that ability.

With all of that said, my spidey senses are telling me to quit this situation whilst I’m ahead because this won’t work. Ugh another bites the dust.

Xo

29 and Unmarried

27 Monday Feb 2017

Posted by in Dreams, Experiences, Late night, Life, More Action, relationships, Thoughts in motion, Uncategorized

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I can’t even begin to tell you what its like to be a woman of African descent born and raised in the United Kingdom.

Trust me when I say there are many realms to navigate through, AND to do it successfully? Its hard, hard af.

In my culture if you’re not married at 29, you’re already past your sell-by date. Yes it IS the be all and end all. It’s something almost all mothers irrespective of backgrounds are worried about.

It’s heralded as an unspoken and if you’re Nigerian very spoken of rite of passage for a lot of women. I remember shortly after graduating, the questions began to come in thick and fast about when I will get married, as if I am supposed to pluck a good suitor from a tree, wrap him up and present him to the family. As the first born in my family and one of the eldest in my extended family, in Tupac’s words “All eyes on me”. I had to ban my family at one point from asking me such questions and I won’t even begin to touch on the children, biological clock, and your eggs will be dust talk…That’s too much to discuss in one day.

If its not my family, its my friends and their families. Sometimes they say it and at other times I just feel it, the general consensus is “Irene, you are the problem, stop being so picky etc”. At some point, not sure when exactly, I started to believe them and it cost me! I mean if ‘everyone’ is thinking it and often times saying it, they must be right, right? I MUST be the problem, right? I didn’t want to be the black sheep and the one who wouldn’t get in line, so I ignored all the alarm bells and stood in the shit for a little too long. I entertained pursuits that I knew from the get-go were not right. Fortunately for me, I came out bruised and not broken.

Do not and by that I mean NEVER go against what you feel in your gut.

In addition to desperately trying to make something work, I spent a few months last year looking at every woman’s finger and then harshly judging her because the conditioning I had had since I was a child began to engulf me and swallow me whole, like Jonah. The thoughts swirling around my head were what’s wrong me? Why does she get to be married? Why wasn’t this a part of my life? Nobody wants me?! (Proceeds to cry in the corner).

The pressure to be married or find your soul mate is everywhere and unavoidable. It’s on TV, its on social media, it’s on YouTube, it’s on the tube, anywhere you can think of it, it’s there, haunting you.

There is an implicit notion that you are broken if you are not in relationship, engaged or married. Having a ring on your finger infers that you are wanted, loved and that someone saw value in you enough to make you a Mrs. This train of thought is detrimental, soul destroying and on every level, just wrong.

You are not broken, nor unloved or unwanted. The ideals established by our families, our cultures and society are often times unrealistic and can lead to an unhealthy state of being.

Anyway, I say all of that to say that I have been delivert*,I have finally made peace with all those demands and expectations that I and others had for my life. I have opted to be nobodies bitch least of all this society’s.

I have become very clear on what a good suitor looks like and my previous experiences were not it and I’ll be damned if I get to the altar and Mr Big chooses not to show up, someone will die, sorry I mean…nah, someone will die!

There is a whole lot more to life than being married or in a relationship. Life doesn’t stop there as my many married friends will tell me, it’s also not an easy feat. While it may not be in your very immediate future, do not sit there moping and become a glutton, get busy. Get busy in discovering more about yourself and living your best life yet while it is still on your own terms, because when you do eventually settle down, you can kiss goodbye to that lol.

Really spend time investing in yourself and your goals. Focus on the things that make you happy outside of anyone and do that, explore, learn a language, travel a lot, buy a home, do a placement abroad, write a book, go back to university to study (actually don’t, tbc), try new things, become a yoga instructor, take a series of cooking classes, make money, join a circus, start painting, get into photography, start a business, take a twerking class (hey, your mate will thank you later),spend time with your non annoying family members and friends, become so busy with living a wonderful life that you do not have time to feel sorry for yourself or look at other peoples lives as being seemingly better than yours. Your life can be amazing on your own, you do not need a mate to have a fulfilling life.

Now, I am not advocating that you completely shun your desire to have a mate, simply that you do not make it your everything. When people are desperate, desperate ideas and decisions become them. When people are happy, well you know how that goes.

I’m off to the gym now at 00:40, okay i’m lying, I was going to though, ha! Tomorrow, I promise.

Goodnight Xo

Ps Delivert- The act of being over delivered from something. Past past tense lol.

Relationships: You need to cut it

15 Wednesday Jun 2016

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Relationships, friendships, situationships, familyships = Work

When you’re single you think, wouldn’t it be great to be in a relationship? And when you’re in a relationship, being single sounds like a wonderful idea- The grass always seems greener on the other side.

The truth is every type of relationship requires consistency, effort, and most certainly compromise. It’s work, the grass is greener where you nurture it.

People have the impression that relationships (all forms) are supposed to be easy, fun, like they appear in the movies. When it doesn’t fit that idealistic picture, then the answer is to cut them out.

The attitude that there’s plenty more fish in the sea in this society is very much rampant and although that statement might be true, the focus should always be on quality not quantity. Quality and edifying relationships are hard to come by and when you have them, they should be valued and respected accordingly, rather than disposed of.

I often see on social media declarations like, ‘I’ll cut that person off’ or ‘I have no qualms cutting people off’ as if it’s an accomplishment *Slow claps*. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t behave like this when I was younger, I was ruthless albeit justified in some cases by very humble opinion. Over time I learnt the value of nourishing relationships, which includes telling people the hard truth (and also hearing it) and making the effort to make it work.

Was and is it easy? Heck no. Many times I want to be stubborn and hold on to my pride for dear life, because temporarily that will make me feel better. In the long run you will suffer.

You cannot jump from friend to friend, relationship to relationship and the like, just because you don’t like something they did it or said. You will find that whomever you are with and wherever you go, the problem remains. Shirking your issues with others won’t make them disappear.

In order to have the kind of loving, nurturing, healthy relationships that you desire, you must take responsibility and approach it with a level of maturity that sometimes, may not be present in others.

If it means something to you, then treat it that way, if it is no longer worth it to you, have the decency to respectfully leave it peace and not in pieces.

XO